Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Rejected Names for the Omicron COVID-19 Variant

 


  • Omicron Prime: The Destroyer of Megatron
  • Cuarentena de Quinceañera
  • Omega Psi Phi
  • Variante Ennui-sur-Blasé 
  • Jeffrey Epstein-Rosanne Barr Virus
  • Rivian Variant
  • Variant B.1.1.529
  • Cerulean Blue Flu
  • De Viris Mundi Ad Finem
  • The Travel Ban Variant
  • Variante de Geraldo Rivera
  • Long-Haul Mixmaster
  • 不是中国病毒
  • The Mandalorian
  • The January 6 Super Spreader
  • Kinda Like the Flu or the Cold
  • Blink-182 

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

A Few Other Things that Andrew Cuomo Might Consider Quitting

 










Annoying subscription to CNN Breaking News

Jezebel news feed on Flipboard

Guest appearance on White Lotus as love interest to Jennifer Coolidge

The upcoming Albany Law School reunion 

Joining Girls Night Out at TGI Fridays

9 to 5 from Netflix favorites list

The New York Pontiac GTO Auto Club

Fourth term gubernatorial election

2021 International Cosplay Day NYC 

Doing or saying what he’s thinking

Sunday Mass

 

A Few Things Former New York Governor Cuomo Might Consider

Update LinkedIn Page and add “Open to Work” banner

Find password for old Tinder account

Update resume without asking Executive Assistant

Monthly recurring donations to TIME’s UP

Get a WeWork account after leaving the Governor’s Mansion

Ask New York Governor Kathy Hochul very nicely for a job reference

Sunday Mass








Thursday, October 3, 2019

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Impeachment But Were Afraid to Ask*



The House of Representatives called for a formal impeachment inquiry of President Donald Trump. But people have questions, such as: What does it mean? What is it about? How does it affect me, an average person? Will this be on the final exam? Will there be snacks? Can I get off early?

What does the word “impeach” mean? The Word impeach comes from two Latin words: “imp” and “each”. The word “imp” is a shortened variant of the root word “imperiumisu” which refers to a style of outdoor roman toilet. The word “each” is derived from “eschatology” which is a key concept of creation science and the Mueller Report. Please note that “impeach” is different from ‘MPeach, a 1970s soul duo who kind of flamed out in 1973 after creative differences about a soul patch and bell bottom jeans. 

Why impeach the President? How much time you got? 

Seriously, why impeach the President? There are as many reasons as there are stars in the sky. Or grains of sand on earth. Or grains of sand in the sky. Lots.

Why impeach the President now? Right off the top of my head, we got Obstruction of Justice (OoJ), violating the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution, advocating violence, undermining freedom of the press, and illegally separating children and their families. And of course: Asking a foreign government to influence an upcoming election. Twice. There are more but we got tired while listing them.

How does this affect Insane Clown Posse? Just asking for a friend. Well, weed will be in very high demand during the impeachment process, especially if there are performances testimonies by principal witnesses who will be torn between the truth and their loyalty to the president, for what, I don’t know. 

It this a good use of the Taxpayer’s money? Yes. Very much so.

Why conduct an impeachment inquiry now? Why not?

Will there be an impeachment party? No. There will be many impeachment parties. Likely fireworks and rampant tattoos. Many tattoos of fireworks. A few firework displays of tattoos. Take due care and govern yourself accordingly.

What happens next? During and shortly after the impeachment process, anticipate a massive embolism, specifically a fat globule embolism from several decades of junk food and hate, lodging either in the brain, heart, or carotid artery causing a significant interruption of blood accompanied by more than normal diaphoresis, numbness and tingling, and incoherence. The average person will not readily detect any outward difference from baseline, namely sweating and incoherence

What happens after an impeachment?  A tremendous sigh of relief will be palpable across the land, especially across North America, South America, Central America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and Antarctica. Things get dicey in Russia and North Korea. Sales of Xanax plummet worldwide.

Friday, November 10, 2017

A Short List of People Who I Really Hope Are Not Revealed to Have Engaged in Sexual Harassment or Other Horrid Behaviors Because I'm Starting to Run Out of Famous People I Respect (Updated Regularly)
















Alec Baldwin
Tavis Smiley
Where in the world is Matt Lauer?
Charlie Rose
Jeffrey Tambor
Dustin Hoffman****
Al Franken
Tom Sizemore
Tom Hanks
Richard Dreyfuss
Morgan Freeman
Ben Affleck
Jane Lynch
Dave Grohl
Channing Tatum **
Hank Azaria
Louis C.K.
Ryan Gosling
George Clooney
Johnny Depp
James Franco
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani‏
Kevin Spacey
Bradley Cooper
Maya Angelou 
Colin Powell
Jeremy Piven
Steve Jobs*
Bill Gates***
Clint Eastwood
Bill Murray
Sanjay Gupta
Jimmy Carter
Muhammad Ali*
Michelle Dockery
Adam Sandler
Warren Buffett
Matt Lauer
Tina Fey
James Earl Jones
Moby

* Deceased
** For shattering CP's crush celeb image
*** I meant Steve Jobs. Bill Gates is not yet deceased.

Thursday, February 23, 2017


The Trump Administration:
Highlights from Next Month or so In the Future



White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gradually realizes the metaphysical, existential, and epistemological impossibility of continuing to carry out this, the most impressive job of his life, with a straight face. No emoji can adequately describe his despair.

Suddenly, the imaginary Death Panels that were purposefully used as scare tactics against the Affordable Care Act now seem like plausible options for White House interns who dreamed of being White House interns during their high school and college years but have now sunk into Level Six depressions.

Alt Right Muslim Travel Ban situation gets confusing after the alt rock Muslim Travel Band does a Southern tour with Korn and Green Day. Tickets available at ticketmaster.com. 

Due to clerical error by Betsy DeVos, trans fats now banned from public elementary, middle, and high school bathrooms, which is good. Meanwhile, trans kids pee in special Betsy DeVos Unisex Toilette de Trans, which is good enough for now. Every time a trans kid flushes the toilet, Betsy receives a text message with the song “Believe in Yourself” from The Wiz.

Kim Jong Un anonymously sends his resume to the Trump transition team (Senior Analyst) but gets bummed out about the federal government hiring freeze and decides to test another Taepodong intercontinental ballistic missile, kill his half-brother, and tweets Dennis Rodman.

Uber-racist and hottie fascist Steve Bannon takes a break from the White House Administration to join the cast of Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theater in New York City. Says Bannon, “This cast is fabulous! Just fabulous! Who knew? Lin-Manuel Miranda is my new politics!”

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

U.S. Federal Government Shutdowns: More FAQs Than Really Necessary


Your Federal Government increasingly operates under “continuing appropriations resolutions.” These temporarily fund government programs and activities that have already been authorized. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date—either a continuing resolution or a regular appropriation bill—Federal Government operations will shut down and Federal Government employees will be furloughed. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. No more Panda Cam.

The following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) provide answers to key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and of course, zombies.


How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy air show over Washington DC and a few other cities. Oh, you’ll know. It’ll be loud and scary. Like dinner time at the Assad’s in Damascus.

The Blue Angel’s routine will begin with a Fat Albert (C-130) high performance takeoff and Flat Pass, a FA-18 Diamond Take-off with a Half Squirrel Cage, an Opposing Knife-Edge Pass, several Diamond Rolls, and a Double Farvel. They will do several Sneak Passes, Vertical Breaks, Delta Rolls, and a Loop Break Cross. It will be huge and posted to the YouTube, which is located inside the Internet. You should get that if you don’t already.

But aren’t the Blue Angels Part of the Federal Government? You bet they are. But they get permission from their commanders to rock on. And so they do.


Say, What is a Furlough? Isn't that French? A furlough involves placing an employee in a temporary nonduty, nonpay status because of lack of work or funds. During a furlough, Federal Government employees are prohibited from conducting official work duties, if any. For some Federal Government employees and government contractors, the difference between nonduty and duty is negligible. 


Can I go to My Office During a Furlough? Nope. Remember: Nonduty-nonpay. You gotta go home. Chill. Out.

Can I Volunteer to do my Job on a Nonpay Basis During a Furlough? HAHAHA. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Can I Work at Home During a Furlough? You may tinker in the garden, putter around the garage, and work in the kitchen. You may work on your car or your vocabulary. But if you check your Federal Government email or turn on your Government-issued Blackberry, the Federal Government will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you will know that this is your Government when We lay Our vengeance upon thee. 

Can I Work as an Exotic Dancer During a Furlough? You bet. It’s heart healthy! Your Federal Government fully supports your interest to work as an exotic dancer while on furlough. Simply provide your supervisor the address and times of your upcoming performances and you are good to go.

I am in the middle of a battle outside of Kabul, Afghanistan. What should I do? Thank you for your service. Stay put for now. Download form SR-634-B, complete it online, and forward it to your commander. That will provide permission to continue fighting until the next continuing resolution. Keep your head down. Boo-yah.

What about the National Zoo Panda Cam? Sadly, the National Zoo Panda Cam will go dark during a shutdown. I know, right? However, ladies can amuse themselves via Jezebel.com and there is no shortage of online entertainment for the guys, if you know what I mean. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Do Furloughed Federal Employees Get Paid? You will receive retroactive pay following the furlough in Rupees or IOUs.

What Happens to my Employee Benefits During a Furlough? They will be put in a locked box. Al Gore has the key. 

What Happens if I Die During the Furlough? If you were in a government-approved and registered religion in good standing, lived a good life, helped others, and filled out form AL-6501, you are likely to go to Heaven and/or a pleasant and/or meaningful alternative destination. Please note that your Federal Government wishes you a pleasant afterlife. Enjoy.

I am a Prisoner in a Federal Penitentiary. Can I Leave Now? No. The rules for Federal Government employees and Federal Government prisoners are slightly different. Shelter in place. We’ll get to you when we can.

How Does This Affect Obamacare? Business as usual. The Death Panels will continue to operate, but from a secret location, such as Mississauga, Canada. Medical marijuana shoppes will remain open 24/7 with happy hour from 5-6. Flu shots will be provided free-of-charge to seniors at all Nando’s Peri-Peri locations. Senator Ted Cruz will continue his marathon speech against Obamacare at Hooter’s in Fiscal Cliff, Texas and rant something about his new universal lawn-care bill. Unfortunately, Medical conditions developed during a shutdown will be considered pre-existing conditions when your Federal Government turns back on again. Sorry about that.

What About Zombies? Technically deceased, Zombies pay only sporadic attention to the news, social media, and email. They are notably disorganized. Thus, they may not fully appreciate the fact that there has been a government shutdown. Their primary focus will likely be the acquisition and consumption of brains. That’s what they do. Keep some distance. Note that Zombies are nearly always considered nonessential personnel and will thus be barred from entering Federal Government property and “working.”

How will I know that the Shutdown is Over? Oh don’t worry about that. Your Federal Government will find you and let you know when the coast is clear and that you can resume the fine and productive work that you presumably provide now. No phone calls, please. We’ll call you.





Rejected Names for the Omicron COVID-19 Variant

  Omicron Prime: The Destroyer of Megatron Cuarentena de Quinceañera Omega Psi Phi Variante Ennui-sur-Blasé  Jeffrey Epstein-Rosanne Barr Vi...