A Few Other Things Being Suspended at the Herman and Gloria Cain Household

Not going to sleep mad
The use of pet names
Herman's Hotmail account
That Groupon for the Inside CNN Studio Tour for Two
The Atlanta Federal Credit Union joint checking account
Peace and quiet
Conjugal visits
That trip to Aruba
Dinner conversation
Dinner 
That other cell phone
The Netflix three disks at a time subscription
WomenForCain.com
Christmas

A Few Things Flying Through the Room While Mr. and Mrs. Cain Discuss his 13-Year "Friendship" with and Payments to Ginger White

A half-empty bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996
One Sergio Rossi Platform Pump from Nordstrom
Their entire set of Cece Winans albums
All copies of his book My Journey to the White House
Several pots. Numerous pans.
Many Atlanta Braves tickets
The entire Oneida Satin Garnet 65-Piece Flatware Set Service for 12
An autographed photo of Sean Hannity
Looks that could kill
Several cell phones
That photo of their 43rd wedding anniversary taken earlier this year
A plaque from WomenForCain.com
A piece of the quartz countertop from Atlanta Kitchen, Inc.

Herman Cain’s Logic Model for Lies and Deceit Regarding Sexual Harassment, Affairs, and Such

Step 1: Issue Absolute Denial About Sexual Harassment

Example: I have never sexually harassed anyone.

Step 2: Issue Absolute Denial About Affairs

Example: The accusations are not true. 

Example: It was just a friendship relationship.

Step 3: Issue Impossible and Implausible Denial

Example: I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.

Step 4: Become a Victim Yourself!

Example: I am falsely accused.

Step 5: Blame the Media for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: It’s a liberal media conspiracy [for releasing report].

Step 6: Blame the Ladies for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: She is a troubled woman.

Example: She was out of work and destitute, desperate.
Example: They are all lying.

Step 7: Blame Vague but Sinister Forces

Example: [I blame] factions that are trying to destroy me [i.e., Rick Perry].

Step 8: Blame Imaginary but Malevolent Entity

Example: The Democratic Machine is making false accusations.

Step 9: Issue False but Cute Falsehood

Example: Most of my supporters have stayed on the Cain train.

Step 10: Inject Unnecessary and Confusing Race/Racism Comment

Example: African-Americans have been brainwashed….

A Few Other Things That Herman Cain Might Be Reassessing Right About Now

Waking up this morning
Advice he received from Clarence Thomas
Mixing Ambien with Southern Comfort whiskey
That stuff he told his wife this morning
Texting at 4:26 a.m.
His understanding of the phrase "sexual harassment"
A tattoo with the phrase "Tiger"
That thing he did with that lady for 13 years
That whole running for President thing
His use of the phrase "false allegations"
Why all those ladies are so mad at him
Politics
What's next for Herman Cain