Herman Cain’s Logic Model for Lies and Deceit Regarding Sexual Harassment, Affairs, and Such

Step 1: Issue Absolute Denial About Sexual Harassment

Example: I have never sexually harassed anyone.

Step 2: Issue Absolute Denial About Affairs

Example: The accusations are not true. 

Example: It was just a friendship relationship.

Step 3: Issue Impossible and Implausible Denial

Example: I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.

Step 4: Become a Victim Yourself!

Example: I am falsely accused.

Step 5: Blame the Media for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: It’s a liberal media conspiracy [for releasing report].

Step 6: Blame the Ladies for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: She is a troubled woman.

Example: She was out of work and destitute, desperate.
Example: They are all lying.

Step 7: Blame Vague but Sinister Forces

Example: [I blame] factions that are trying to destroy me [i.e., Rick Perry].

Step 8: Blame Imaginary but Malevolent Entity

Example: The Democratic Machine is making false accusations.

Step 9: Issue False but Cute Falsehood

Example: Most of my supporters have stayed on the Cain train.

Step 10: Inject Unnecessary and Confusing Race/Racism Comment

Example: African-Americans have been brainwashed….

Why the Al and Tipper Gore Split Seems Boring

Lacks an Eliot Spitzer prostitution ring 

No John Edwards adultery + chemo thang

Lacks Heather Mills temper tantrums 

That whole Gulf of Mexico thing
Global warming: lost that loving feeling?
Lacks the James McGreevey "whoops I'm gay" thing
Gore marriage more believable than Clinton "marriage"
Lacks the Mel Gibson anti-semitic rants 

Makes Iran-Contra affair seem like a real affair

Lacks Governor Mark Sanford's whining
No divorce by Twitter ala Jim Carrey
Lacks the bizarre touches of a Mike Tyson
No A-Rod affair with Madonna
Lacks the obvious adultery of Rudy Giuliani
Just to ask: What was Lisa Marie thinking?
Lacks the Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown drama

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts

Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake.
Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may.

Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness.
Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her?
Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.
Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign.

Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this?
Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened.
Governor Sanford: And he was incredibly gentlemanly, as you cannot imagine, in saying here were some things that I was struggling with.

Bob Woodruff: Why did you continue to deny it and not tell the truth?
Senator Edwards: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple.
Governor Sanford: And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self; that sin is, in fact, grounded in this notion of what is it that I want as opposed to somebody else?

Bob Woodruff: There are reports that you have tried to cover up.
Senator Edwards: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved.
Governor Sanford: All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it.

Bob Woodruff: Any final thoughts?
Senator Edwards: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.
Governor Sanford: I had my own ticket. We swapped e-mails, whatever.