Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch

Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.

Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.

A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.

Sarah Palin shows up.

Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.

Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."

Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.

Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."

Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.

Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.

Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.

And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts

Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake.
Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may.

Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness.
Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her?
Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.
Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign.

Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this?
Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened.
Governor Sanford: And he was incredibly gentlemanly, as you cannot imagine, in saying here were some things that I was struggling with.

Bob Woodruff: Why did you continue to deny it and not tell the truth?
Senator Edwards: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple.
Governor Sanford: And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self; that sin is, in fact, grounded in this notion of what is it that I want as opposed to somebody else?

Bob Woodruff: There are reports that you have tried to cover up.
Senator Edwards: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved.
Governor Sanford: All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it.

Bob Woodruff: Any final thoughts?
Senator Edwards: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.
Governor Sanford: I had my own ticket. We swapped e-mails, whatever.