Jesus Tries Hard to Teach the Multitudes, Again

The Parable of the Sower

And again Jesus began to teach by the sea. A great multitude had gathered, so He hopped into a boat and sat in it on the sea, looking very wise and nautical.

Although many in the multitude were not the brightest lights in the house, He tried to teach them using parables, and said to them: “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow."

Someone in the multitude interrupted Him and said, "Hey mate, is that s-e-w or s-o-w? It's a bit loud back here." The crowd awkwardly stirred.

Jesus repeated Himself and more loudly said, "Behold, a sower went out to sow (s-o-w). Can you hear me now?"

And He continued the parable: "As he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it."

"Say, Brother, what kind of seed are we talking about? And are they special birds or just any old birds?"

Jesus said, "It doesn't matter. It's a parable, dude. Just try to keep up."

And He continued, "Some fell on stony ground, and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth. Since it had no root it withered away. And some seed fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up and produced: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.” And He said to them, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear! You know what I'm saying?”

"A loud voice came from the multitude: "I just don't get it. What you talking about, man?"

Frustrated, Jesus put His hands on His hips, glared at the crowd and said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable?"

The crowd answered in unison, "No, it's bloody hard to follow. We're a bit gobsmacked. Can you kindly walk us through it? That might help."

Jesus Tries The Cliff Notes Version

Jesus drew a long puff from his cigarette, threw it to the ground, and said, "Chill, dude, I'm going to lay the Cliff Notes version on you."

Jesus continued, "Let me break it down for you."

"The farmer sows the word. Get it? Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan (ask me later about a funny story about him) comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. You still with me?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Awright geeezzaa! Dude that is seriously heavy. Keep going. I'm curious where you are going with this."

"Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble comes, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life and other stuff choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

A voice from the multitude said, "Okay I think I got it. Why didn't you just say it that way in the first place?" Another said, "So it means that you want us to grow gardens? Do some weeding? Something like that?"

Jesus Tries out a new Bit: A Lamp on a Stand

Jesus said, "Oh Jeez. Okay, here's a bit I like to call 'A Lamp on a Stand.' It's short, so maybe you can get this one."

He said to them, “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Is that a trick question?" Another said, "Is this going to be on the test?" Another said, "How big is the lamp?"

Jesus turned away from the multitudes, mumbling under his breath, "Boneheads."

Jesus skedaddled.

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes Again

1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?”

1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?”

1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea."

1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.”

1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered.

1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?”

2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

2.1 Again, silence. “So, tell me if I got this right. A dude finds a treasure buried in the dirt. Fine. He re-buries it. Gets all joyful and stuff. Then sells all he has to buy that field?”

2.2 Jesus said, “So far, so good. Tell me more."

2.4 The disciple continued, “Why doesn’t he just take the treasure? Problem solved! Why all that burying it again and then buying the field? Unnecessary complications. I don’t get the logic. Was the farmer dyslexic or something like that?”

2.3 Jesus said, “You are over-thinking it. I speak to you in parables and allegories so that you may understand deeper truths.” Under his breath he said, “My Father who art in heaven warned me that I would have days like this. But seriously....”

2.4 One of his disciples said, “Lord, among our people, it is well known that an allegory is a figurative mode of representation conveying a meaning other than the literal. The Chronicles of Narnia can be considered allegorical."

2.5 Jesus wept.

2.6 Another disciple said, “Yes, and we all know that a parable is a brief, succinct story that illustrates a moral or religious lesson. So, a parable is an allegory, but not all allegories are parables. Does that blow your mind?"

2.6 Another said, “And everyone knows that a fable is….” But just then, Jesus cut him off in kind of a huff. Adding insult to injury, he accidentally stepped in something that he really regretted having stepped in over the next few hours.

3.0 Jesus continued, “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, collecting fish of every kind. When it is full they haul it ashore and put what is good into buckets. What is bad they throw away. Or give it to a soup kitchen. Thus it will be at the end of the age. The angels will separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth. Taking the "naughty or nice" thing to a higher level.”

3.1 "Do you understand all these things?"

3.2 Silence. Then a disciple answered, "I'm really not not getting what you are saying. So either the Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast, a buried and re-buried treasure, or a fishing net. Seriously, I’m totally lost. Do you have another performance later?"

3.3 “As a dentist, I’m really concerned about this wailing and grinding of teeth.” I hope that part is allegorical or something. My people have enough problems."

3.4 “Lord, when is the last day we can drop this class?” said a disciple. “Can we just audit it? And do you grade on a curve?” Another said, “Is this a required course?”

3.4 Jesus sighed.

3.5 Deep furrows crossing his face, Jesus said, "Let's pick this up tomorrow. Hey, falafel guy! Over here! Sure could use a brewski."

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One

1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth."

1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one."

1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?"

1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?"

1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez."

1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up."

1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

1.7 The crowd grew restless and dark. "Dude," one disciple said, "You want us to do what?" Another disciple questioned, "What does smite mean anyway? It that like a gay thing? I'm really not comfortable with that."

1.8 From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice saying, "Can you guys keep it down? We can't hear a thing. It's like a multitude here. Hey, Jesus, can you talk a little louder? Thanks."

1.9 Another said, "Are there any handouts? I can't stay for the whole thing."

2. Jesus spat.

2.1 He continued, "And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also."

2.2 "Okay, wait, lemme get this straight. If somebody sues me and rips me off for my coat, I gotta go buy him a cloak?", said a young disciple.

2.3 "No, you're not listening," said Jesus. "If somebody takes something from you, it makes you mad, right? So rather than get mad, just give him the damn coat and have a glass of wine. I can help. I've been there. " Jesus paused and said, "No, wait, that's not it. I got kind of lost in there. Let me start over."

2.4 "Okay, so the main idea is just to treat people with kindness even if they hurt you. You know what I mean?"

2.5 The same disciple said, "Sorry, I just don't get it."

2.6 Yet another said, "Lord, can we go back to the part about an eye for an eye?--I think I was starting to understand that one."

2.7 A voice from the back of the crowd inquired, "Will this be on the test?"

3. Just a little bit too loudly, Jesus said, "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid." His face kind of twitched a little.

3.1 "Say, where do you get this stuff from? Does that just come out of your head or did you read it somewhere?" Said a disciple.

3.2 Another disciple rushed to the front and said, "Oh sorry I'm late. It's a wicked bad traffic jam out there. What did I miss? Can I copy anybody's notes?"

4. Jesus threw his cigarette down and said, "Okay, let's just take a break for now."