Odd, Unusual, and Improbable Suggestions for Mitt Romney Vice President Picks

Allen West: For the Folks Who Actually Think That Democrats are Communists.
Rick Santorum: To entice the Fear-of-Gays-and Birth Control voting bloc.
Glenn Beck: To nail down the Apocalyptic-Conspiracy-Fear-Race-Baiting voting bloc.
Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer (Co-VPs): To confuse and annoy some people.
Rush Limbaugh: To attract the Disinformation-Anti-woman-Hate bloc.
Michelle Bachmann: To get the Obama-is-a-Secret-Muslim Birther vote bloc. Oh shut up.
Newt Gingrich: To court the Anti-Child-Labor Law Lover and Pro-Torture voter bloc.
Tim Pawlenty: For the Home School-Intelligent Design-Enhanced Interrogation bloc.
Rick Perry: To get the Pro-Sonogram-Death Penalty-Pro-Guantanamo Bay bloc. Yay!
Buddy Roemer: For the Pro-Medical Marijuana Pre-Born Civil Rights voter bloc.
Donald Trump: To get the Legalize & Tax Drugs and Pro-Universal Health Care vote.

Odd, Unusual, and Imaginary Groupon Deals

Half off for last year’s flu vaccine
$100 Borders gift certificate
$300 for a week-long George W. Bush Wilderness Adventure Camp
$150 to tell your wife that yes, that outfit does makes her look fat

$7 for somebody to taste that green stuff for you at that Indian place

$30 for a half-hour in a hot tub with Donald Rumsfeld
Half off for an official Donald Trump comb-over lesson
Half off for all-expense-paid one-week vacation in Tripoli, Libya
$20 to to tell your neighbor to take their garbage can from the curb
Half off history lessons by Michele Bachmann and Sara Palin
$35 to sit at table next to Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner arguing
$7 for seven cases of Gluten Free Cheddar Cheese Curls
$40 for avocado facial treatment at the new Dick Cheney Spa!
Half off (!) for transgender reassignment surgery

 
$45 to watch Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin mud wrestle Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert while Charlie Sheen becomes intensely intoxicated and looks for "my tilapia," Tim Pawlenty gently cries, David Petraeus referees, and Newt Gingrich solves the budget crisis. Ten percent goes to the Red Cross.

A Few More Things that God Presumably Told Presidential Candidate Rick Perry the Other Day

• Um, Rick. I did not issue a Divine Calling for you to run for the US President. If I make a Divine Calling, you'll know. Ask Anthony Weiner.
• Michelle Bachman's migrane headaches? Yeah. Now that's Me.
• Rick, stop invoking My name about natural disasters. They are: Natural disasters.
• Rick, about your hair: Cut, Cap, and Balance, dude.
• You wondered "Is Michelle Bachman's husband an anti-gay gay?" "Is Glenn Beck berzerk?" Duh.
• Tim Pawlenty should worry less about Bachman's migranes and more his upcoming anyeurism.
• Michelle Bachman: Hates Government Health Care and Gays but has Gay husband and Government Doctor.
• Neither Sean Hannity nor Bill O'Reilly will join Me in heaven. Brit Hume is a "Maybe."
• Pawlenty ripping Bachman's record of achievement is fun, right? Just say thanks.
• I see another bus in Sarah Palin's future.
• Even I don't understand why people who say Government is the problem want to get a job in the Government.What's that about?

Glenn Beck’s Delightfully Paranoid Observations of the World around Him: A Whitman's Sampler of Real Quotes

On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.”

On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.”


On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.”


On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.”


On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?”


On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.”


On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”


On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran Cindy Sheehan: “Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut.”


On Al Gore: “Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however.”


On Michael Moore: “I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it.”


On imaginary FEMA concentration camps: “We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination. I have to tell you, I'm doing a story tonight that I wanted to debunk these FEMA camps…. I can't debunk them.”


On the end days: “There are people -- they said this about Bill Clinton -- that actually believe he might be the anti-Christ. Odds that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.”


On spreading paranoia: “The Manchurian Candidate couldn't destroy us faster than Barack Obama. If you were planning a sleeper to come in and become president of the United States, this is how he would do it.”


On the State Children's Health Insurance Program: “Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great.”


On imaginary information: “But they -- on Friday Drudge released a report that Rockefeller, Jay Rockefeller is now introducing a presidential ability to take control of the Internet and shut it down.”


On imaginary fascism: “I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. I'm not saying the Democrats are a fascist. I'm saying the government under Bush and under Obama and under -- under all of the presidents that we've seen, or at least most of the presidents that we've seen for quite some time, are slowly but surely moving us away from our republic and into a system of fascism.”


On imaginary reparations: “Everything that is getting pushed through Congress, including this health care bill, are transforming America. And they are all driven by President Obama's thinking on one idea: reparations." Beck later added that Obama's "goal is creating a new America, a new model, a model that will settle old racial scores through new social justice.”