Rejected Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) Work Group

Fareed Zakaria
Zoloft Deficiency
Mixed Avoidant-Dependent Personality Disorder
Co-Occurring Stigmata-Compulsive Hand-Washing Disorder
Persistent and Irritating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Mild or Habañero)
Mental Disorder due to Falun Gong (法輪功)
Scientology
Donald Rumsfeld’s Syndrome
Disorder Ego-Dystonic and Totally Clueless Homosexuality
Co-Occurring Apathy-Amnestic Disorder
Chronic Religious Fundamentalism Disorder
Maladaptive but Completely Understandable Relational Disorder
Manifest Destiny
Chronic Undifferentiated Maternal Whining Disorder
1. Jewish Mother Type
2. Catholic Mother Type
3. Muslim Mother Type

Antidepressants That Sound Like They Might Be Fun

Celexa—A fun, outer-space suicide cult on vacation। Maybe in France. Or a sassy stripper.

Zoloft—A magical and wonderful world of robots somewhere in the near future.

Zelapar—Another, better, more wonderful and magical world of robots in the future.

Desyrel—A world of heavily tattooed, drunk, hippie wench chicks at the local Renaissance Faire.

Zelapar, Nardil, and Marplan—A kabob house and hookah lounge in Lebanon that gets crazy at night.

Remeron—A cool place with a science fiction or friendly alien buzz.

Lustral—A land of gorgeous, luxurious, shining hair. Or a city in Egypt. Or both.

Lexapro—Masculine and professional like HomeDepot. Or a fax-photocopier.

Paxil—Peace. A pill. Peace in a pill, man. Om Shanti Om.

St. John's Wort—Spiritual whisky mash. Organic.

Asendin—Manifest Destiny in pill form. I wanna be taken higher.

Wellbutrin—Perfect well-being and overall wonderfulness. No aftertaste.