Mitt Romney's Republican Convention Speech: Highlights, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes

Mitt's Moving Personal Story--Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia.

It's All Obama's Fault--Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop.

Big Ideas--Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out of Vietnam--I mean when your flight arrives, Liberate France, or at least their wines, and End Both the Cold War and the War on Drugs. Mandatory Family Home Evenings. Privatize everything. Privatize privatization. 

Get Super-Duper Tough on Terrorism--Will find, capture, and re-kill Osama bin Laden and stuff like that. But more toughly than Obama.

Clint Eastwood--Whoops, my bad. That did not turn out like We expected. My apologies to the chair. 

A Few Questions That I Would Like To Ask Osama Bin Laden's Wives

Hi ladies! Can I just call you all all Ms. bin Laden?
Or do you guys have a numbering system?
So you are 3 of bin Laden’s 5 wives. What’s up with that?
Nice burqa. Who are you wearing today?
Say, nice place! Whose your decorator?
I knew a Verna and Al Qaeda from Toronto. Any relation?
So tell me, what’s HE REALLY like?
Did he have cute pet names for you guys?
Sorry to ask but what in the world were you thinking?
So, which one of you is the cute wife?
Finish sentence: The best part about being Ms. bin Laden is....
When they make the movie, who do you want to play you?
Do you know John Edwards by any chance?
So seriously, what in the world were you thinking?
I always wondered, does Al Qaeda have an HR department?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Sorry, trick question.
So what's next for Ms. bin Laden? You go first.
Finish sentence: If I had to do it all over again, I would....
Did you guys check out Lady Gaga's new album yet? 

Abbottabad House for Sale!

Abbottabad House for Sale. Perfect for the fundamentalist extremist in the family, this spacious yet severely private complex sports a three-story home, a cozy guest cottage, and lots of room for the kids or goats to run around behind bomb-proof 15 foot high walls. Secluded and safe, this concrete block Arts and Crafts beauty can be a perfect hide-away or a cool summer home to help you escape the heat. Bring your hammer and saw because this lady is a fixer-upper! A handyman’s dream!
 
The Area. The bucolic city of Abbottabad is bounded at all four sides by the Sarban hills, from which you can see breathtaking views of the region and city. The Karakoram Highway, which runs through Abbottabad traces one of the paths of the ancient Silk Road, now called Highway N35. Abbottabad is home to the Pakistan Military Academy, so there’s that. There are complexes for cricket, hockey, squash, and militant training. The city provides easy access to the Tarbela Ghazi Air Base, used by the CIA for to conduct drone strikes in Waziristan. Whether tourist, resident, CIA, or terrorist, “Abbottabad Ain’t Bad!”

The Compound. Security and privacy, this compound has it all! Everything is safely tucked within massive high privacy walls to keep those kids, chicken, or goats either in or out as is your preference. Whimsically decorated with barbed wire, the compound evokes a posh penitentiary feel that suggests, “I really like my privacy.” Within this 1-acre complex stand two watchtowers to help you keep an eye on things. The former owners installed security cameras and a handy trash-burning area. A second wife’s delight.
 
The Main House. Three floors, 7 bedrooms, and a full bathroom with running water, there’s enough space for a large joint family. The home has great feng sui. As you enter the first floor, you will be greeted by a light-filled atrium and quite possibly an armed guard. Natural light flows down from above, in part because of recent bullet and blast holes. The Great Room is perfect for entertaining guests and the previous owner installed built-in cabinets for AK-47s that open with a remote control. The Great Room flows into a gourmet kitchen perfect for families with 15 to 20 children and multiple wives. Bedrooms are located on the second and third floors, as is a hookah room and a home office, used by the previous owner as a Command, Control, and Intelligence Center.

• Sold as-is
• Off Karakoram Highway
• Gammi Adda Bus Stop
• Near Military Training Academy
• Near militant training camps
• Bullet holes circulate air
• Barbecue/trash pit
• Sauna (when raining)
• Goats and chickens convey
• Lots of history!

Even Better PDF Version

Shocking Wikileaks Revelations

Mercurial Libyan ruler Muammar Qaddafi feels splendid and posh wearing Channel haute couture while watching Eddie Izzard in concert.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad craves polyester, believes that Wikipedia caused 9/11, and desperately wants to meet Justin Bieber and "ask him to stop it."

U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told leaders of Israel and the PLO to “Just hug it out.”

It turns out that Kazakhstan is an actual country with a capital city, its own language, a government, a military, a currency, roads, hookers, and something called the Baikonur Cosmodrome.

U.N. Secretary Ban Ki-moon reveals that he actually prefers the new aggressive pat-down searches at the airport. He sometimes pats himself down. Harshly.

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe is corrupt, repressive, and dictatorial. But he can’t miss an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sexcapades, womanizing, booze and drug parties, and bunga-bunga party games have been good for the escort girl business during these tough times.

  

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton: Same size 48 pant suit, sometimes switch suits during sleepovers, and think that David Cameron is "dreamy."

Hasni Mubarak has been to every Yanni concert in the past four years. Misses Gino Vannelli.

  

Prince Andrew (who is he anyway?) has his own Captain Kirk chair and likes to “fire rockets” to impress his guests. 

Kim Jong Un likes to take the ladies to the Yongbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center and chat them up about fissile material and stuff while listening to Michael Jackson.

Osama bin Laden hates America but wow does he love www.bettycrocker.com and the recipe for potato au gratin. Add Portobello shrooms and broccoli. Also hates bedbugs, the kind they got in caves.

Prince Charles was really mad that he was not invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. He bought a gift and everything.

Long before Wikileaks, Camilla Parker had her own problem with leaks, if you know what I mean.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has all the same tattoos as Snoop Dogg. And then some.