08:00 Breakfast and Parade of Washington DC Food and Cupcake Trucks
09:00 Wake up with Jimmy Eat World and Rage Against the Machine
09:45 The General Atomics Predator Drone Surveillance Photograph Swarm
09:50 National Salute to the Jumbotron Information Technology Specialists
09:55 Moment of Silence by Insane Clown Posse, Mel Gibson, and Jody Foster
10:00 Silence Broken by all-girl Led Zeppelin Cover Band Lez Zeppelin
10:40 National Moment of Reflection About Hippies in the Reflection Pool
10:45 The Bud Light 2013 Presidential Inauguration Air Guitar Competition
11:00 Yahoo Presents Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen
11:45 The Viagra UFC Octagon Cage Mixed Martial Arts Competition
11:50 The Vice President Biden Poetry Slam and Yo Momma Insult Competition
12:00 Ben’s Chili Bowl Chili Eating Competition and Half-Smoke Smoke-Off
12:30 Lunch (on your own) Food Trucks!
12:45 Doritos 2013 Inaugural Swearing in of the President and Vice President
12:50 The NRA 2013 Inaugural Swearing at the President and the Vice President
01:00 The Living Social Stage Presents that indie band in that Chevy Cruze ad
01:45 The USA Jobs Stage Presents Portlandia the Musical
02:00 Groupon Presents that band with the guy who lost all that weight
02:30 The Naval Observatory Open House, Scavenger Hunt, Open Mike & Bar
02:45 Jonas Brothers Tribute Band: We Dress Like This
03:00 Kinda Like Weezer, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, & Justin Bieber
03:30 Parade led by Doctor John and the Krewe of Mona Lisa and Moon Pie
03:45 Beyonce: Incoherent Speech and Invocation About Something
4:00 The Lumineers do Jay-Z and 2 Chainz and Ke$ha
5:00 Dramatic Reading of the Names of the Lost Children and Their Parents
5:30 Dramatic Arrest and Admonishment of Parents Who Lost their Children
6:00 Fireworks and More Arrests
INAUGURAL BALLS
08:00 The ChristianMingle.com Christian Mingle
09:00 The Ambien-Tiger Woods Night to Remember Ball
09:00 The Scientology Thetan Eight Dynamics of Existence Shindig!
09:00 The Kimberly-Clark Hooker’s Ball and Rave with Avicii
09:00 The Quest Diagnostics Masquerade Ball and Cholesterol Check
09:00 Charlie Sheen Presents the Lance Armstrong #Winning Ball
10:00 The Ryan Gosling Hey Girl Dreamy Ball (invited but not confirmed)
10:30 The Zoloft-Bacardi Romney-Ryan Dance-Ball
