Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch

Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.

Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.

A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.

Sarah Palin shows up.

Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.

Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."

Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.

Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."

Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.

Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.

Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.

And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."

Just a Few Questions Left Unanswered Following the Death of Michael Jackson

Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop?

What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles?

What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly.

What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still.

Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right?

Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why?

Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left?

What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one.

Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that work out?

How would a 70-year-old Michael Jackson look, with particular attention to the long-term effects of multiple plastic surgeries?

Was the recent exclusive in Effeminate Androgynous High Tenor Albino Celebrity Magazine really exclusive?

What was Wolf Blitzer thinking as he turned to yet another celebrity weirdo about their experience with the King of Pop? No seriously, what do you imagine he was thinking?

How will all those die-hard fans living in such complete denial go on with their lives? Who will they stalk next? I'm just saying.

What will happen to the alpacas?

What will happen to his kids?

How will this affect me?