False, Untrue, Fictitious, Improbable, and Implausible Names of Saints and the Things About Which They are Apparently Patrons

Saint Ambien—patron saint of sleep-eating
Saint Fareed the Zakaria—patron saint of truthiness
Saint Yves Saint Laurent-patron saint of le parfum et les cosmétiques
Saint Zoloft of Celexa—patron saint of vapors and melancholia 
Saint Remulon—patron saint of robots
Saint Arabica—patron saint of coffee, coffee beans, and coffee houses
Saint Scopalamine of Benadryl—patron saint of impending seasickness
Saint Flöardfull—patron saint of people putting Ikea things together
Saint Sinus the Deviated—patron saint of allergic rhinitis 
Saint Deus ex Machina—patron saint of frustrated screenwriters
Saint Groupón—patron saint now 40% off
Saint Gingrich of Newt—patron saint of Bezerkistan
Saint Yaris of Slough-upon-Avon—patron saint of F1 Karting
Saint Alzheimer—patron saint of uh, wait, um, hold on, I know this
Saint Paxil the Dizzy—patron saint of Legoland rides
Saint Cruise of Travolta—patron saint of Dianetics and Diabetics
Saint Wiener of Brooklyn—patron saint of selfies 

Odd, Unusual, and Imaginary Groupon Deals

Half off for last year’s flu vaccine
$100 Borders gift certificate
$300 for a week-long George W. Bush Wilderness Adventure Camp
$150 to tell your wife that yes, that outfit does makes her look fat

$7 for somebody to taste that green stuff for you at that Indian place

$30 for a half-hour in a hot tub with Donald Rumsfeld
Half off for an official Donald Trump comb-over lesson
Half off for all-expense-paid one-week vacation in Tripoli, Libya
$20 to to tell your neighbor to take their garbage can from the curb
Half off history lessons by Michele Bachmann and Sara Palin
$35 to sit at table next to Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner arguing
$7 for seven cases of Gluten Free Cheddar Cheese Curls
$40 for avocado facial treatment at the new Dick Cheney Spa!
Half off (!) for transgender reassignment surgery

 
$45 to watch Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin mud wrestle Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert while Charlie Sheen becomes intensely intoxicated and looks for "my tilapia," Tim Pawlenty gently cries, David Petraeus referees, and Newt Gingrich solves the budget crisis. Ten percent goes to the Red Cross.

Fragments of an Overheard Imaginary Conversation Between Mr. and Mrs. Gaddafi During a Recent Air Strike

Honey, remind me to pick up some mustard gas on the way out.
No silly, this is not what the Americans call “March Madness.”
Damn cruise missiles. I wish they had an app for that.
Did I really just say “Dustbin of history?” What was I thinking?

Safia, please turn the damn foursquare off on your iPhone!
We just don’t have time to get a Charlie Sheen update. Let’s go!
I doubt very much that there is a Groupon for an escape helicopter.
Hey look, they are playing, “What’s My Tribe” on TV!
I need to look more incognito. How about a soul patch?
Before we escape, does this burqa make my butt look big?
Where the hell are my virgin bodyguards? 

Charlie Sheen's To-Do List

Get today’s Groupon for customized nutrition bars & call it #WINNING
Update my LinkedIn page to include new brain and Adonis DNA.
Renew my subscription to Manic Psycho Rant Monthly magazine.
Call Qaddafi’s radio show and rant RE Libyan TV series  2،5 الرجال
Return Modern Man In Search of a Soul by Carl Jung to the library.

Drop by the church and get ashes!

Drive to Target to get a few more bottles of Tiger Blood.
Ask NATO to establish a no fly zone over my house.
Sharpen my machete for a fight in the Octogon.
Think about a new charitable cause I can support while high.

Get seven gram rocks of cocaine, because that’s how I roll.
Threaten to sue somebody. Maybe sue myself? Gnarly.
Call Daddy.