2012 Republican Convention Schedule

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey
4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent
4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love
4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it.
4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat"
5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him
5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again?
5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin
5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes
6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style
6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day
6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably
6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not
7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There
7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough
7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig
7:45 PM - Lecture by a Vial of Ronald Reagan's Blood 
8:00 PM - Zombie Preparedness by the CDC
8:15 PM - Lecture: Why Obama Hates America, Kids, and Senior Citizens
8:45 PM - Video of John McCain Being Really Cranky
9:15 PM - Mitt Accepts Nomination and Electrifies the Nation. Psych! 
10:00 PM - Lynyrd Skynyrd Plays Something Really Old
10:15 PM - A Very Late  Geraldo Rivera Arrives Wet From Hurricane Isaac
11:00 PM - John McCain Leads Entire Delegation to Tampa Strip Clubs 
11:15 PM - Romney Makes Bold Presidential Move to Go to Bed Early

Very Uncool things to do Following a Nuclear Disaster (#Losing)

Telling rescue worker “I’m OK. How is Charlie Sheen?”
Sexting rather than texting the Red Cross.

Selling ½-off Hello Kitty radiation HAZMAT suit Groupons.
Comparing recent “dating disaster” with actual disaster.

Selling your irradiated land as “Beach Front” property.
Organizing damaged reactor tours with “Free X-Rays.”
Trying to hit up that really cute rescue lady.
Selling spent fuel rods. Get ‘em while they’re hot!
Building another nuclear power plant on same fault line.
Trying to translate Zach Galifianakis in Japanese.
Explaining the situation using episodes of The Simpsons.”
Asking Glenn Beck what it all means. And believing it.
Describing your bad hair day as a “huge disaster.”
Wondering what a President Palin would have done.
Taking a swim in a reactor pool.
Asking Senator John McCain for advice.