2012 Republican Convention Schedule

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey
4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent
4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love
4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it.
4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat"
5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him
5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again?
5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin
5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes
6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style
6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day
6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably
6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not
7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There
7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough
7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig
7:45 PM - Lecture by a Vial of Ronald Reagan's Blood 
8:00 PM - Zombie Preparedness by the CDC
8:15 PM - Lecture: Why Obama Hates America, Kids, and Senior Citizens
8:45 PM - Video of John McCain Being Really Cranky
9:15 PM - Mitt Accepts Nomination and Electrifies the Nation. Psych! 
10:00 PM - Lynyrd Skynyrd Plays Something Really Old
10:15 PM - A Very Late  Geraldo Rivera Arrives Wet From Hurricane Isaac
11:00 PM - John McCain Leads Entire Delegation to Tampa Strip Clubs 
11:15 PM - Romney Makes Bold Presidential Move to Go to Bed Early

Odd, Unusual, and Strange Supreme Court Announcements About the Affordable Care Act

The Supreme Court ruled that well, The Supreme Court Rules.

Chief Justice Roberts was the swing voter but not in the way you think.

Death Panels are back! Canadian health system jealous it didn’t think of it.

The American people now have an individual mandate to rock.

Zombiecare not covered since they are technically deceased.

The fine for not purchasing health insurance: 5 hours of Fox News.

The Affordable Care Act is off the hizzle fo shizzle my fizzle.

The Constitution’s Commerce Clause: Nothing to do with Santa Claus.

Dude, you should so get some of that health care.

Dramatic Medicaid expansion not as dramatic as Newt Gingrich expansion.

Health benefit payouts will be managed by the Hard Rock Casino in Biloxi, MS.

If you are an adult age 26 living with your parents, dude, really? Time to go.

You may be entitled to coverage of preventive services that include weed.

If you have preexisting conditions, well that really sucks for you.

If your employer does not provide insurance, don’t get sick.

National high-risk insurance pool will close for 15 minutes after lightening.

The Affordable Care Act: More FAQs Than You Can Handle

Q. Will I be able to keep my physician? No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.



Q. Will my insurance be portable? Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.


Q. How will we pay for health care reform? Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.


Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea? Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.


Q. What would a public option look like? More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.


Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan? Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.


Q. Will health care be rationed? You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries. 


Q. How will the Death Panel work? The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination. 


Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling? Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.


Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor?  President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.


Q. What about medical marijuana? Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?

Odd, Unusual, and Improbable Suggestions for Mitt Romney Vice President Picks

Allen West: For the Folks Who Actually Think That Democrats are Communists.
Rick Santorum: To entice the Fear-of-Gays-and Birth Control voting bloc.
Glenn Beck: To nail down the Apocalyptic-Conspiracy-Fear-Race-Baiting voting bloc.
Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer (Co-VPs): To confuse and annoy some people.
Rush Limbaugh: To attract the Disinformation-Anti-woman-Hate bloc.
Michelle Bachmann: To get the Obama-is-a-Secret-Muslim Birther vote bloc. Oh shut up.
Newt Gingrich: To court the Anti-Child-Labor Law Lover and Pro-Torture voter bloc.
Tim Pawlenty: For the Home School-Intelligent Design-Enhanced Interrogation bloc.
Rick Perry: To get the Pro-Sonogram-Death Penalty-Pro-Guantanamo Bay bloc. Yay!
Buddy Roemer: For the Pro-Medical Marijuana Pre-Born Civil Rights voter bloc.
Donald Trump: To get the Legalize & Tax Drugs and Pro-Universal Health Care vote.

Your Handy Guide to the Republican Presidental Candidate Position on a few Key Issues

Family Values

Romney—With the same lady since 1969. But she’s in it for the money.

Paul—Dude, he has been with the same lady since 1957. But kinda racist in a grandfatherly sort of way.

Santorum—He’s probably married or something because he has seven kids. Way homophobic.

Gingrich—Let’s see now. He married his high school teacher (he was 19 and she was 26—discuss); while married, he had an affair with and then married Marianne Ginther; while married, he had an 6-year affair with and then married Callista Bisek (23 years difference-discuss). Whoops, we forgot about another affair between wives 1 and 2.

Torture

Romney—Not sure if waterboarding is torture. “Get back to you later.”

Paul—Against it.

Santorum—Believes the lie that torture has been “proven to be successful.” Also big fan of Opus Dei, a controversial right-wing organization that promotes self-flagellation and corporal mortification.

Gingrich—Kind of into it.

Same-Sex Marriage

Romney—Tells Fox News he supports constitutional amendment. Tells gays “I’m all in.”

Paul—“If gay people want the same headaches and as straight married people, good grief, let em have it!”

Santorum—Compares homosexuality with bestiality, child molestation, and incest, and not in a good way. Also believes same-sex marriage would usher in the Apocalypse.  

Gingrich—Would send his openly lesbian half-sister Candace to Guantanamo Bay.  

Birth Control

Romney—Glad that Gingrich uses contraception.  

Paul—Has prescribed contraceptives.  

Santorum—Believes contraception is the leading danger to the country.  

Gingrich—“Are you kidding me? If I didn’t use a rubber, you know how many kids I would have today?”

Immigration

Romney—Pro-fence. Now anti-amnesty but was previously for “path to citizenship.”  

Paul—Anti-fence. Would place Michelle Bachman at border.

Santorum—Would deputize and move all 311 On The Border franchises to the actual border.

Gingrich—Ridiculous call for “100 percent control” of the Mexican border. Good luck with that.

China

Romney—Says “China is a currency manipulator” but he likes Kung Pao Chicken.

Paul—Advocates “peaceful engagement” and Peking Duck.

Santorum—Wants to avoid trade war and likes Hot and Sour Soup.

Gingrich—Build "Double Fence," beef up US military in Australia “just in case” and only eats American.

A Few Other Things Being Suspended at the Herman and Gloria Cain Household

Not going to sleep mad
The use of pet names
Herman's Hotmail account
That Groupon for the Inside CNN Studio Tour for Two
The Atlanta Federal Credit Union joint checking account
Peace and quiet
Conjugal visits
That trip to Aruba
Dinner conversation
Dinner 
That other cell phone
The Netflix three disks at a time subscription
WomenForCain.com
Christmas

A Few Things Flying Through the Room While Mr. and Mrs. Cain Discuss his 13-Year "Friendship" with and Payments to Ginger White

A half-empty bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996
One Sergio Rossi Platform Pump from Nordstrom
Their entire set of Cece Winans albums
All copies of his book My Journey to the White House
Several pots. Numerous pans.
Many Atlanta Braves tickets
The entire Oneida Satin Garnet 65-Piece Flatware Set Service for 12
An autographed photo of Sean Hannity
Looks that could kill
Several cell phones
That photo of their 43rd wedding anniversary taken earlier this year
A plaque from WomenForCain.com
A piece of the quartz countertop from Atlanta Kitchen, Inc.