Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham
Manage a Papal-themed food truck: Pontificiae Victus Carrus
Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints
Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna (Papal Crush!)
Celebrity Survivor Austria
Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime
Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome
Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen
An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV withDanica Patrick
Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars
V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “Molly”
Spending time with the grandkids
Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family
Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee House in Milan
Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer
Work on my moves
Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about
Part time school bus driver and crossing guard
Going to Disneyland! (Paris) with the boyz
Assistant manager at local Nandos Peri Peri

Odd, Unusual, False, and Imaginary Reasons why the Electricity Went Out During the Superbowl

Saving electricity for Mardi Gras
Excessive power needed to remove Beyonce's Spanx
So 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick could get another tattoo
King Richard III kind of angry finding self buried in parking lot
PBS turned it off so people would watch Downton Abbey
Louisiana Voodoo, Curses, and Gris-Gris
Beyonce flashed the Illuminati Sign signaling New World Order
To give the 49ers something to think about
New Orleans just ran out of electricity 
Saints Coach Sean Payton Gets Payback After Suspension
So CBS could run a few more commercials
So Oreo could tweet the instant ad: You can still dunk in the dark
Some nonesense about substations and wires

Mim's Handy Guide to the Odd and Unusual 2013 US Presidential Inauguration Schedule Events and Balls

07:30 The First Response® Wiccan Prayer to the Moon, Sun, and Jumbotrons
08:00 Breakfast and Parade of  Washington DC Food and Cupcake Trucks
09:00 Wake up with Jimmy Eat World and Rage Against the Machine
09:45 The General Atomics Predator Drone Surveillance Photograph Swarm
09:50 National Salute to the Jumbotron Information Technology Specialists 
09:55 Moment of Silence by Insane Clown Posse, Mel Gibson, and Jody Foster
10:00 Silence Broken by all-girl Led Zeppelin Cover Band Lez Zeppelin
10:40 National Moment of Reflection About Hippies in the Reflection Pool
10:45 The Bud Light 2013 Presidential Inauguration Air Guitar Competition 
11:00 Yahoo Presents Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen
11:45 The Viagra UFC Octagon Cage Mixed Martial Arts Competition
11:50 The Vice President Biden Poetry Slam and Yo Momma Insult Competition
12:00 Ben’s Chili Bowl Chili Eating Competition and Half-Smoke Smoke-Off
12:30 Lunch (on your own) Food Trucks!
12:45 Doritos 2013 Inaugural Swearing in of the President and Vice President
12:50 The NRA 2013 Inaugural Swearing at the President and the Vice President
01:00 The Living Social Stage Presents that indie band in that Chevy Cruze ad
01:45 The USA Jobs Stage Presents Portlandia the Musical
02:00 Groupon Presents that band with the guy who lost all that weight
02:30 The Naval Observatory Open House, Scavenger Hunt, Open Mike & Bar
02:45 Jonas Brothers Tribute Band: We Dress Like This
03:00 Kinda Like Weezer, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, & Justin Bieber
03:30 Parade led by Doctor John and the Krewe of Mona Lisa and Moon Pie
03:45 Beyonce: Incoherent Speech and Invocation About Something
4:00 The Lumineers do Jay-Z and 2 Chainz and Ke$ha
5:00 Dramatic Reading of the Names of the Lost Children and Their Parents
5:30 Dramatic Arrest and Admonishment of Parents Who Lost their Children 
6:00 Fireworks and More Arrests

INAUGURAL BALLS
08:00 The ChristianMingle.com Christian Mingle 
09:00 The Ambien-Tiger Woods Night to Remember Ball
09:00 The Scientology Thetan Eight Dynamics of Existence Shindig!
09:00 The Kimberly-Clark Hooker’s Ball and Rave with Avicii 
09:00 The Quest Diagnostics Masquerade Ball and Cholesterol Check
09:00 Charlie Sheen Presents the Lance Armstrong #Winning Ball
10:00 The Ryan Gosling Hey Girl Dreamy Ball (invited but not confirmed) 
10:30 The Zoloft-Bacardi Romney-Ryan Dance-Ball

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang

Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse? 
Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.

Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips?
Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled? 
Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends.

Question: Hi, I’m John and I’m a Zombie. [Hi John] So, we were wondering since we are already deceased technically, what’s in it for us? Is there like a downside?
Answer: Hi John. During the first 20 minutes after the start of the Mayan Apocalypse, there will be widespread panic and confusion, unkeepable and unspeakable promises will be made, and the rivers will run red with blood. So, go for it. Note that this will be immediately followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: I am scheduled to take annual leave on Friday. Dental thing. Can I bill against my project in the event that the world does not end?
Answer: You are strongly encouraged to adhere to Federal Government auditing standards right up to that final moment in which the world ceases to exist. You may find that the dental thing which seems quite distressful now becomes significantly less meaningful as the world comes to an abrupt end.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is inconvenient for me. I have a Groupon for a Manicure and Pedicure With OPI or Jessica Polish scheduled for Saturday. Can't you do something? I'm not even Mayan!
Answer: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse will usher in the end of the world, including Groupons. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: My mother-in-law is scheduled to arrive here over the weekend for the holidays. Any tips?
Answer: You are in luck. The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is schedule to arrive here on Friday. So, either way, the odds are slim to none that you will enjoy the holidays with your mother-in-law this year. Cheers.

Question: What happens to my annual leave after the Mayan Apocalypse?
Answer: You are kinda not getting this. Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse = End of World. No world = no annual leave. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Mim's Handy FAQs about the Fiscal Cliff

Fiscal Clift is the son of moody and sullen 1950’s actor Montgomery Clift

Fiscal Cliff was one of the rejected names for the country music group Rascal Flatts

The Fiscal Cliff overlooks the newly-remodel Fiscal Bay Spa Hotel and Beach Resort

New Disney World Fiscal Cliff ride much better than the Abyss of Sequestration

Despite years of renovations, the Fiscal Cliff is still not ADA-accessible

Fiscal Cliff and the Psychedelic Rangers will tour with the Goo Goo Dolls in 2013

Best Fiscal Cliff diving: Red Bull Fiscal Cliff Diving World Series-Muscat, Oman

Fiscal Clift and Aunt Eleanor Clift both play the bassoon and pinochle

Fiscal Slope and Hill both easier and safer to snow ski than Fiscal Cliff

Jelly Defense-Fiscal Cliff Android and Apple apps now available

Fiscal Cliff Notes: Sequestration not nearly as much fun as it sounds

For what its worth, Fiscal Cliff in Arabic looks like this: كليف المالية 

Mim's Election Day FAQs

Where do I vote?
Republicans vote at a secret Masonic Lodge downtown.
Democrats vote at the Cajun Lounge and Social Club. Gumbo!
Libertarians somberly vote at bookstores that sell Ayn Rand books.
Green Party members vote at Burning Man or out in the woods.
Scientologists don’t vote. They focus on the expression of the cosmic source.

Do I need identification?
Yes, we accept VISA, Mastercard, American Express, and PayPal.

My precinct does not have electricity. How can I vote?
Under emergency procedures, you may vote by email and FAX. 

Um, we don’t have electricity for computers or FAX machines.
Okay then, give us a call and take care of it for you. Trust us.

We don’t have phone service. What can I do?
Send us your votes using ESP, telepathy, clairvoyance, or retrocognition.

What if I change my mind?
If you change your mind before the end of the day, return to the place where you voted and explain to the officials that you changed your mind and would like a do-over, also called a re-vote. It happens all the time. You might end up on America’s Funniest Videos.

If you change your mind after the election has ended, you have many options. You may write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper, conduct a seance, complain to one of my well-meaning aunts, or speak with your minister or psychotherapist. Also, you have four years to make your decision next time.  

What is the Electoral College?
Technically not an accredited college. More like continuing ed.
Seriously hard to get a copy of your Electoral College transcript. 
The Sorority Sisters at the Electoral College are fine, phat, and thick!
Newt Gingrich was held back a year for well, you know.
The Electoral College Marching Band is kind of a rag-tag affair but fun.

Democratic Convention Schedule

6:05 PM - Gabby Douglas Does Backflip and Sings Star Spangled Banner
6:15 PM - Bloopers and Outtakes: Joe Biden Goes Wild!
6:30 PM - John Edwards and Anthony Weiner Live From Bar Across Street
6:45 PM - Intoxicated Glenn Beck Mistakenly Hits On Rahm Emanuel
7:00 PM - Obama Tribute Video: Neither Muslim Nor Mormon: What Am I? 
7:30 PM - Joe Biden Opens Mouth and Everyone Gets Really Nervous
7:45 PM - Emotional Joe Lieberman Wants Back In
8:00 PM - Al Green. Really? Dang.
8:15 PM - Nancy Pelosi: I'm Better Off Than Four Years Ago
8:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Kickoff 
8:45 PM - Barbara Mikulski: Broad's Shoulders and Lipstick Ladies
9:15 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update
10:15 PM - Geraldo Rivera Still Looking for Tampa Convention Center
10:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update
10:45 PM - President Bill Clinton Keynote Address
11:00 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Wrapup
11:00 PM - President Bill Clinton Meets Dallas Cheerleaders
11:15 PM - President Clinton Brings Cheerleaders to Gentlemen's Club