Odd, Unusual, and Improbable Suggestions for Mitt Romney Vice President Picks

Allen West: For the Folks Who Actually Think That Democrats are Communists.
Rick Santorum: To entice the Fear-of-Gays-and Birth Control voting bloc.
Glenn Beck: To nail down the Apocalyptic-Conspiracy-Fear-Race-Baiting voting bloc.
Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer (Co-VPs): To confuse and annoy some people.
Rush Limbaugh: To attract the Disinformation-Anti-woman-Hate bloc.
Michelle Bachmann: To get the Obama-is-a-Secret-Muslim Birther vote bloc. Oh shut up.
Newt Gingrich: To court the Anti-Child-Labor Law Lover and Pro-Torture voter bloc.
Tim Pawlenty: For the Home School-Intelligent Design-Enhanced Interrogation bloc.
Rick Perry: To get the Pro-Sonogram-Death Penalty-Pro-Guantanamo Bay bloc. Yay!
Buddy Roemer: For the Pro-Medical Marijuana Pre-Born Civil Rights voter bloc.
Donald Trump: To get the Legalize & Tax Drugs and Pro-Universal Health Care vote.

Your Handy Guide to the Republican Presidental Candidate Position on a few Key Issues

Family Values

Romney—With the same lady since 1969. But she’s in it for the money.

Paul—Dude, he has been with the same lady since 1957. But kinda racist in a grandfatherly sort of way.

Santorum—He’s probably married or something because he has seven kids. Way homophobic.

Gingrich—Let’s see now. He married his high school teacher (he was 19 and she was 26—discuss); while married, he had an affair with and then married Marianne Ginther; while married, he had an 6-year affair with and then married Callista Bisek (23 years difference-discuss). Whoops, we forgot about another affair between wives 1 and 2.

Torture

Romney—Not sure if waterboarding is torture. “Get back to you later.”

Paul—Against it.

Santorum—Believes the lie that torture has been “proven to be successful.” Also big fan of Opus Dei, a controversial right-wing organization that promotes self-flagellation and corporal mortification.

Gingrich—Kind of into it.

Same-Sex Marriage

Romney—Tells Fox News he supports constitutional amendment. Tells gays “I’m all in.”

Paul—“If gay people want the same headaches and as straight married people, good grief, let em have it!”

Santorum—Compares homosexuality with bestiality, child molestation, and incest, and not in a good way. Also believes same-sex marriage would usher in the Apocalypse.  

Gingrich—Would send his openly lesbian half-sister Candace to Guantanamo Bay.  

Birth Control

Romney—Glad that Gingrich uses contraception.  

Paul—Has prescribed contraceptives.  

Santorum—Believes contraception is the leading danger to the country.  

Gingrich—“Are you kidding me? If I didn’t use a rubber, you know how many kids I would have today?”

Immigration

Romney—Pro-fence. Now anti-amnesty but was previously for “path to citizenship.”  

Paul—Anti-fence. Would place Michelle Bachman at border.

Santorum—Would deputize and move all 311 On The Border franchises to the actual border.

Gingrich—Ridiculous call for “100 percent control” of the Mexican border. Good luck with that.

China

Romney—Says “China is a currency manipulator” but he likes Kung Pao Chicken.

Paul—Advocates “peaceful engagement” and Peking Duck.

Santorum—Wants to avoid trade war and likes Hot and Sour Soup.

Gingrich—Build "Double Fence," beef up US military in Australia “just in case” and only eats American.

A Few Other Things Being Suspended at the Herman and Gloria Cain Household

Not going to sleep mad
The use of pet names
Herman's Hotmail account
That Groupon for the Inside CNN Studio Tour for Two
The Atlanta Federal Credit Union joint checking account
Peace and quiet
Conjugal visits
That trip to Aruba
Dinner conversation
Dinner 
That other cell phone
The Netflix three disks at a time subscription
WomenForCain.com
Christmas

A Few Things Flying Through the Room While Mr. and Mrs. Cain Discuss his 13-Year "Friendship" with and Payments to Ginger White

A half-empty bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996
One Sergio Rossi Platform Pump from Nordstrom
Their entire set of Cece Winans albums
All copies of his book My Journey to the White House
Several pots. Numerous pans.
Many Atlanta Braves tickets
The entire Oneida Satin Garnet 65-Piece Flatware Set Service for 12
An autographed photo of Sean Hannity
Looks that could kill
Several cell phones
That photo of their 43rd wedding anniversary taken earlier this year
A plaque from WomenForCain.com
A piece of the quartz countertop from Atlanta Kitchen, Inc.

Herman Cain’s Logic Model for Lies and Deceit Regarding Sexual Harassment, Affairs, and Such

Step 1: Issue Absolute Denial About Sexual Harassment

Example: I have never sexually harassed anyone.

Step 2: Issue Absolute Denial About Affairs

Example: The accusations are not true. 

Example: It was just a friendship relationship.

Step 3: Issue Impossible and Implausible Denial

Example: I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.

Step 4: Become a Victim Yourself!

Example: I am falsely accused.

Step 5: Blame the Media for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: It’s a liberal media conspiracy [for releasing report].

Step 6: Blame the Ladies for Your Sexual Harassment

Example: She is a troubled woman.

Example: She was out of work and destitute, desperate.
Example: They are all lying.

Step 7: Blame Vague but Sinister Forces

Example: [I blame] factions that are trying to destroy me [i.e., Rick Perry].

Step 8: Blame Imaginary but Malevolent Entity

Example: The Democratic Machine is making false accusations.

Step 9: Issue False but Cute Falsehood

Example: Most of my supporters have stayed on the Cain train.

Step 10: Inject Unnecessary and Confusing Race/Racism Comment

Example: African-Americans have been brainwashed….

A Few Other Things That Herman Cain Might Be Reassessing Right About Now

Waking up this morning
Advice he received from Clarence Thomas
Mixing Ambien with Southern Comfort whiskey
That stuff he told his wife this morning
Texting at 4:26 a.m.
His understanding of the phrase "sexual harassment"
A tattoo with the phrase "Tiger"
That thing he did with that lady for 13 years
That whole running for President thing
His use of the phrase "false allegations"
Why all those ladies are so mad at him
Politics
What's next for Herman Cain

Some Other Things That Herman Cain Suddenly Just Remembered

Clarence Thomas told me that this might happen.

Oh yeah. Now I remember doing that thing with that lady that time.

I remember drinking heavily and then allegations. No connection.

I remember the tattoo but not why I got it or who "Hazel" is. 

I don't remember what I did, but I remember that I didn't do it.

I remember the Titans.

I remembered to get the milk but not the dry cleaning.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. --- Mark Twain