Taliban Rules and Regulations: 2009 Update

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Cell Phones. We've gone over this before. Please use disposable, untraceable cell phones. No Skype, Paktel, or Verizon.

Cell Phones Part Two. Please use the family and friends plan. Use your rollover minutes. Also, place phones on vibrate in presence of Mullah Omar. You don't want to see him annoyed.

 Weapons. Mujahideen should not take weapons from others by force. Use motivational enhancement techniques (Miller and DiClemente, 1995) to strongly encourage subjects to voluntarily hand over his or her weapons.

 Drugs. Do not use drugs. But if you use drugs, do not use needles. But if you use needles, clean them with bleach. Clean your works.

 Discretion. What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.

 Beards. A male who has not yet grown a beard may not stay in a common sleeping area with other men. A woman who has grown a beard should stay in a special area with other women who have somehow grown a beard.

Smoking. Smoking tobacco is not permitted except in special smoking areas. For instance, caves. The Taliban follow the CDC recommendations regarding tobacco.

Disfigurement. Mujahideen should not disfigure people. Just look at that whole Michael Jackson thing. No more beheadings. Let's go with the new "Hearts and Minds" campaign.

 Media. Mujahideen should strictly adhere to standard formats for press releases, with a proper headline, dateline, intro, body, boilerplate, and the closing. Show up on time for press conferences.

Appearance. For Mujahideen, so-called "Casual Friday" is forbidden.

Manners. Officials, soldiers, contractors, or employee of the slave government should be addressed simply as "Infidel." The use of animal names is consider in bad taste.

 Gifts. Gifts over the amount of three goats must be declared in writing. Please send a written thank you note for notable gifts, including rugs, drugs, livestock, and women.

 Promptness. Whether for a wedding, trashing a CD-ROM store, or a beheading, please arrive on time. No more being "fashionably late."

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