Odd and Unusual Perks That Accompany the Nobel Peace Prize

Cool Nobel Bling 

Three-month free trial of Netflix

Gnarly Nobel Peace Prize tribal tattoo
2007 Toyota Yaris

Get star named after you

Can go to the front of the line at Disneyworld

All expense paid weekend package at Kandahar Hilton

Lunch with the King of Norway (Norway has a King?)

Honorary Degree from Strayer University Online

Can keep frequent-flyer miles for trip to Norway

Fareed Zakaria’s cell phone number

Gets to jam with Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and Ice-Cube

Lifetime all you can eat Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips

New email account (Obama@NobelPeacePrize.com)

Advanced viewing of Law & Order: Norway

$1 off Pillsbury Toaster Strudel Coupon

Photo on Wheaties cereal box

Rides with Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade

Becomes King of the Krew of Comus at Mardi Gras

Private audience with Lady Gaga

Nobel Peace Prize Grillz

Cameo appearance in upcoming Nicolas Cage movie

Free Ambien
An "I Won the Peace Prize" T-shirt

Afghanistan Surge: Curious, Unusual, and Confusing Programs, Issues, and Promises

Iraqi shoe-thrower to throw the first shoe as the surge begins

Countrywide "Camels for Clunkers Program" begins

Surge largely paid for by sponsors Pepsi, KFC, and Toyota

Tiger Woods to lead tank and mechanized infantry battalion

The entire surge to be carbon neutral

Uninvited Visits by Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Sri Lankan Army force surges from 10 to 15 troops

Netflix pop-up ads to be banned in Afghanistan

Tourism Department: free hookah pipes for the first 100 post-war visitors

Taliban to be warned about Santa's Naughty or Nice List

New reality TV show: Is That My Goat?

Tea Bag protesters invited to Afghanistan to find something real to protest

Dick Cheney to say something horribly ridiculous every couple of weeks

Turns out that some of those Taliban caves are pretty cool

Bush to mount massive "My Bad" campaign

War to be decided by arm wrestling contest with Secretaries of State from the US, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Governor of Louisiana

People And Groups For Whom Priority For Obtaining the H1N1 Vaccine Has Not Yet Been Determined

Industrial steampunk Goth Girls > 40 years old
Single adult men who still live in their mom's basement
Primary caregivers of more than 10 gerbils
Fareed Zakaria
Conspiracy theorists
People who sweat too much
Drama queens
Pseudoscientists
People who pick their nose at work
Men with unicorn tattoos
Vampires
Road kill removers
Emo bands 
Amateur creation scientists
Yuppie scum
People who call suicide prevention just for fun
People who stuff their pets
People who claim to be saved but lie, cheat, and backstab
Portable toilet cleaners
People with armpit tattoos
Mall Santas
Sarah Palin

Things Overheard While Waiting in Line for the H1N1 Flu Vaccine

"I don't want the H1N1 vaccine. I just like hanging out in line."


"Across the street, they got H1N1 vaccine mixed with ecstasy (MDMA). It's trippy."


"This is a line for the flu vaccine? Darn. I thought it was a line for the new Michael Jackson film."


"Kinda feels like we're at Disney World. But more needles and less rides."


"Say man, you want some H1N1 vaccine that’ll knock your socks off?"


"I got some bird flu vaccine from a few years ago. I think it's still good."


"Is this the line for 10 items or less?"


"I guess the iPhone doesn’t have an app for that."


"Is this the line for people who have completed Form H1N1 for their visa application?"


"Hey, is that Michelle Obama?"


"That’s so H1N1."


"I don't know nothing about no queue. This here is a line, bro."

 

Groups and Individuals who should be Low Priority to Receive the H1N1 (Swine Flu) Vaccine

People who talk during movies at the theater
That guy on that show
Married couples who look like each other
Men with comb-overs
People with more than one hyphen in their name
First responders who are often tardy and late
Caregivers of stuffed animals between the ages of 6 to 9
People who walk too slowly in crowded malls
Chiropractors (since they don’t believe in vaccines)
People who wheeze on a good day
People who have too many cats
Individuals who are currently deceased
People who cut you off and then wave
Pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control pills
Parents who let their kids make a mess at restaurants
People who claim obesity is a charming lifestyle choice
People who live with and speak with mannequins
That guy who somehow got pregnant
Insurance company executives
People who finish your sentences
People who talk too loudly on their cell phones
People who leave their trash cans on the curb too long
Republicans and spitters

Glenn Beck’s Delightfully Paranoid Observations of the World around Him: A Whitman's Sampler of Real Quotes

On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.”

On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.”


On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.”


On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.”


On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?”


On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.”


On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”


On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran Cindy Sheehan: “Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut.”


On Al Gore: “Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however.”


On Michael Moore: “I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it.”


On imaginary FEMA concentration camps: “We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination. I have to tell you, I'm doing a story tonight that I wanted to debunk these FEMA camps…. I can't debunk them.”


On the end days: “There are people -- they said this about Bill Clinton -- that actually believe he might be the anti-Christ. Odds that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.”


On spreading paranoia: “The Manchurian Candidate couldn't destroy us faster than Barack Obama. If you were planning a sleeper to come in and become president of the United States, this is how he would do it.”


On the State Children's Health Insurance Program: “Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great.”


On imaginary information: “But they -- on Friday Drudge released a report that Rockefeller, Jay Rockefeller is now introducing a presidential ability to take control of the Internet and shut it down.”


On imaginary fascism: “I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. I'm not saying the Democrats are a fascist. I'm saying the government under Bush and under Obama and under -- under all of the presidents that we've seen, or at least most of the presidents that we've seen for quite some time, are slowly but surely moving us away from our republic and into a system of fascism.”


On imaginary reparations: “Everything that is getting pushed through Congress, including this health care bill, are transforming America. And they are all driven by President Obama's thinking on one idea: reparations." Beck later added that Obama's "goal is creating a new America, a new model, a model that will settle old racial scores through new social justice.”

Myths and Facts about Influenza (The Flu, Catarrh, Grippe) and the Flu Shot

Myth: Cold weather causes the flu.
Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners.


Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu.
Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed.


Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu.
Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances.


Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless.
Fact: The season flu can cause significant disability of the body and mind, including Female Hysteria, Melancholia, Nostalgia, and of course, Wandering Uterus.


Myth: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes the flu.
Fact: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes your head to be cold. And wet.


Myth: Starve a fever, feed a cold.
Fact: To rid fevers and catarrh, boil a large pot with figs and cooked onions, peeled and mixed with yeast, butter, and a cordial of wormwood, lungwort, bloodroot, and toothwort. In this water, bathe oneself for four hours. Keep the head and chest covered with the skin of a goat, to fend off a sudden chill. When finished, drink a half-pint of the mixture. It will also expel intestinal parasites.