Industrial steampunk Goth Girls > 40 years old Single adult men who still live in their mom's basement Primary caregivers of more than 10 gerbils Fareed Zakaria Conspiracy theorists People who sweat too much Drama queens Pseudoscientists People who pick their nose at work Men with unicorn tattoos Vampires Road kill removers Emo bands Amateur creation scientists Yuppie scum People who call suicide prevention just for fun People who stuff their pets People who claim to be saved but lie, cheat, and backstab Portable toilet cleaners People with armpit tattoos Mall Santas Sarah Palin
People who talk during movies at the theater
That guy on that show
Married couples who look like each other
Men with comb-overs
People with more than one hyphen in their name
First responders who are often tardy and late
Caregivers of stuffed animals between the ages of 6 to 9
People who walk too slowly in crowded malls
Chiropractors (since they don’t believe in vaccines)
People who wheeze on a good day
People who have too many cats
Individuals who are currently deceased
People who cut you off and then wave
Pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control pills
Parents who let their kids make a mess at restaurants
People who claim obesity is a charming lifestyle choice
People who live with and speak with mannequins
That guy who somehow got pregnant
Insurance company executives
People who finish your sentences
People who talk too loudly on their cell phones
People who leave their trash cans on the curb too long
Republicans and spitters
On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.”
On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.”
On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.”
On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.”
On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?”
On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.”
On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”
On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran Cindy Sheehan: “Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut.”
On Al Gore: “Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however.”
On Michael Moore: “I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it.”
On imaginary FEMA concentration camps: “We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination. I have to tell you, I'm doing a story tonight that I wanted to debunk these FEMA camps…. I can't debunk them.”
On the end days: “There are people -- they said this about Bill Clinton -- that actually believe he might be the anti-Christ. Odds that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.”
On spreading paranoia: “The Manchurian Candidate couldn't destroy us faster than Barack Obama. If you were planning a sleeper to come in and become president of the United States, this is how he would do it.”
On the State Children's Health Insurance Program: “Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great.”
On imaginary information: “But they -- on Friday Drudge released a report that Rockefeller, Jay Rockefeller is now introducing a presidential ability to take control of the Internet and shut it down.”
On imaginary fascism: “I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. I'm not saying the Democrats are a fascist. I'm saying the government under Bush and under Obama and under -- under all of the presidents that we've seen, or at least most of the presidents that we've seen for quite some time, are slowly but surely moving us away from our republic and into a system of fascism.”
On imaginary reparations: “Everything that is getting pushed through Congress, including this health care bill, are transforming America. And they are all driven by President Obama's thinking on one idea: reparations." Beck later added that Obama's "goal is creating a new America, a new model, a model that will settle old racial scores through new social justice.”
Myth: Cold weather causes the flu. Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners.
Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu. Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed.
Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu. Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances.
Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless. Fact: The season flu can cause significant disability of the body and mind, including Female Hysteria, Melancholia, Nostalgia, and of course, Wandering Uterus.
Myth: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes the flu. Fact: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes your head to be cold. And wet.
Myth: Starve a fever, feed a cold. Fact: To rid fevers and catarrh, boil a large pot with figs and cooked onions, peeled and mixed with yeast, butter, and a cordial of wormwood, lungwort, bloodroot, and toothwort. In this water, bathe oneself for four hours. Keep the head and chest covered with the skin of a goat, to fend off a sudden chill. When finished, drink a half-pint of the mixture. It will also expel intestinal parasites.
Q. Will I be able to keep my physician? A. No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.
Q. Will my insurance be portable? A. Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.
Q. How will we pay for health care reform? A. Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.
Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea? A. Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.
Q. What would a public option look like? A. More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.
Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan? A. Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.
Q. Will health care be rationed? A. You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries.
Q. How will the Death Panel work? A. The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination.
Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling? A. Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.
Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor? A. President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.
Q. What about medical marijuana?
A. Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?
Death Panel secret handshake based on a Freemason handshake.
One Death Panel member must bring donuts on Friday mornings. Or bagels.
Death Panel follows the Casual Friday thing.
The Death Panel includes a veterinarian for obvious reasons.
The Death Panel lunch buffet rocks.
All Death Panel members like Crosby, Stills, and Nash. The song Dark Star is played before Death Panel staff meetings.
When Death Panel members disagree, they hug it out.
The Death Panel sometimes has secret meetings at Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family. Well, until you're not.
The Death Panel is actually a pretty funny group-- lots of Death Panel hijinks and pranks.
Canadian Health Care System jealous they didn't think of including a Death Panel first.
Death Panel uses some of the rules from Family Feud.
Family members of Death Panel victims get free T-shirts that say, "I went to a Death Panel and all I got was this stupid T-shirt." And a nice condolences card.
Paula Abdul has been invited but has not yet been confirmed.
Cell Phones. We've gone over this before. Please use disposable, untraceable cell phones. No Skype, Paktel, or Verizon.
Cell Phones Part Two. Please use the family and friends plan. Use your rollover minutes. Also, place phones on vibrate in presence of Mullah Omar. You don't want to see him annoyed.
Weapons. Mujahideen should not take weapons from others by force. Use motivational enhancement techniques (Miller and DiClemente, 1995) to strongly encourage subjects to voluntarily hand over his or her weapons.
Drugs. Do not use drugs. But if you use drugs, do not use needles. But if you use needles, clean them with bleach. Clean your works.
Discretion. What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.
Beards. A male who has not yet grown a beard may not stay in a common sleeping area with other men. A woman who has grown a beard should stay in a special area with other women who have somehow grown a beard.
Smoking. Smoking tobacco is not permitted except in special smoking areas. For instance, caves. The Taliban follow the CDC recommendations regarding tobacco.
Disfigurement. Mujahideen should not disfigure people. Just look at that whole Michael Jackson thing. No more beheadings. Let's go with the new "Hearts and Minds" campaign.
Media. Mujahideen should strictly adhere to standard formats for press releases, with a proper headline, dateline, intro, body, boilerplate, and the closing. Show up on time for press conferences.
Appearance. For Mujahideen, so-called "Casual Friday" is forbidden.
Manners. Officials, soldiers, contractors, or employee of the slave government should be addressed simply as "Infidel." The use of animal names is consider in bad taste.
Gifts. Gifts over the amount of three goats must be declared in writing. Please send a written thank you note for notable gifts, including rugs, drugs, livestock, and women.
Promptness. Whether for a wedding, trashing a CD-ROM store, or a beheading, please arrive on time. No more being "fashionably late."
Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.
Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.
A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.
Sarah Palin shows up.
Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.
Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."
Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.
Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."
Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.
Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.
Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.
And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."
Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop?
What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles?
What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly.
What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still.
Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right?
Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why?
Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left?
What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one.
Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that work out?
How would a 70-year-old Michael Jackson look, with particular attention to the long-term effects of multiple plastic surgeries?
Was the recent exclusive in Effeminate Androgynous High Tenor Albino Celebrity Magazine really exclusive?
What was Wolf Blitzer thinking as he turned to yet another celebrity weirdo about their experience with the King of Pop? No seriously, what do you imagine he was thinking?
How will all those die-hard fans living in such complete denial go on with their lives? Who will they stalk next? I'm just saying.
Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair? Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may.
Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over? Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness. Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right.
Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her? Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away. Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign.
Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this? Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened. Governor Sanford: And he was incredibly gentlemanly, as you cannot imagine, in saying here were some things that I was struggling with.
Bob Woodruff: Why did you continue to deny it and not tell the truth? Senator Edwards: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple. Governor Sanford: And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self; that sin is, in fact, grounded in this notion of what is it that I want as opposed to somebody else?
Bob Woodruff: There are reports that you have tried to cover up. Senator Edwards: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved. Governor Sanford: All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it.
Bob Woodruff: Any final thoughts? Senator Edwards: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this. Governor Sanford: I had my own ticket. We swapped e-mails, whatever.
Correction: In the weekend movie review section, Stephen Baldwin was described as a "washed-up, born-again, second-rate, reality-show actor." Mr. Baldwin is a washed-up, born-again, third rate, reality-show actor. We apologize for the error.
Correction: In an article on the hidden dangers of horticulture, Mildred P. Mulligan was incorrectly described as a resident of West Side Village, a suburb of Brookside. She is currently a resident of the Indiana Women's Prison at Clarksville. She is serving seven to life.
Correction: In a caption accompanying a photograph of the Brookside Garden and Civic Club, the obese lady on the left of the table of finger sandwiches was misidentified. She is Constance "Connie" Barnham. She only looks like the late Shelly Winters during her fat years and gets that a lot.
Correction: In our recent series on child abuse, James A. Fallanger, who lives in the 400 block of Ivy Way in Brookside, and volunteers at the Senior Center on Main Street, was incorrectly characterized as a sex offender. Mr. Fallenger is an architect. We apologize for this unfortunate editing error.
Correction: A recent restaurant review of the Westside Tavern mentioned that the empanadas were "an affront to humanity." In fact, the empanadas in question are "horrid, vile, and contemptable" and the management is "an affront to humanity." Our bad.
Correction: Our review of Danny's Eatery refers to it as being next to the AMC movie complex. In fact, the tavern is conveniently next to the Brookside Gentlemen's Pleasure and Social Club. There is shared parking.
Correction: A review of the new Brookside All-You-Can-Eat Emporium described the Emporium as a "bustling family-friendly restaurant." In fact, while it bustles, it is only family-tolerant, and then only to White families. Not tolerant with hippies, Gays, or foreigners. Certainly not Gay foreign hippies.
Correction: In an article about the West Coast Hip Hop Rap artist Snoop Dogg, Mr. Dogg was incorrectly described as being one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable proteges. In fact, Mr. Dogg was one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable source for weed.
Correction: A recent article regarding the use of administration-approved torture techniques characterized Former Vice President Cheney as "a liar and an enabler of torture." We meant to say that Mr. Cheney is "technically not human, has no soul, and is therefore exempt from the laws of the country and nature."
1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?”
1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?”
1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea."
1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.”
1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered.
1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?”
2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”
2.1 Again, silence. “So, tell me if I got this right. A dude finds a treasure buried in the dirt. Fine. He re-buries it. Gets all joyful and stuff. Then sells all he has to buy that field?”
2.2 Jesus said, “So far, so good. Tell me more."
2.4 The disciple continued, “Why doesn’t he just take the treasure? Problem solved! Why all that burying it again and then buying the field? Unnecessary complications. I don’t get the logic. Was the farmer dyslexic or something like that?”
2.3 Jesus said, “You are over-thinking it. I speak to you in parables and allegories so that you may understand deeper truths.” Under his breath he said, “My Father who art in heaven warned me that I would have days like this. But seriously....”
2.4 One of his disciples said, “Lord, among our people, it is well known that an allegory is a figurative mode of representation conveying a meaning other than the literal. The Chronicles of Narnia can be considered allegorical."
2.5 Jesus wept.
2.6 Another disciple said, “Yes, and we all know that a parable is a brief, succinct story that illustrates a moral or religious lesson. So, a parable is an allegory, but not all allegories are parables. Does that blow your mind?"
2.6 Another said, “And everyone knows that a fable is….” But just then, Jesus cut him off in kind of a huff. Adding insult to injury, he accidentally stepped in something that he really regretted having stepped in over the next few hours.
3.0 Jesus continued, “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, collecting fish of every kind. When it is full they haul it ashore and put what is good into buckets. What is bad they throw away. Or give it to a soup kitchen. Thus it will be at the end of the age. The angels will separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth. Taking the "naughty or nice" thing to a higher level.”
3.1 "Do you understand all these things?"
3.2 Silence. Then a disciple answered, "I'm really not not getting what you are saying. So either the Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast, a buried and re-buried treasure, or a fishing net. Seriously, I’m totally lost. Do you have another performance later?"
3.3 “As a dentist, I’m really concerned about this wailing and grinding of teeth.” I hope that part is allegorical or something. My people have enough problems."
3.4 “Lord, when is the last day we can drop this class?” said a disciple. “Can we just audit it? And do you grade on a curve?” Another said, “Is this a required course?”
3.4 Jesus sighed.
3.5 Deep furrows crossing his face, Jesus said, "Let's pick this up tomorrow. Hey, falafel guy! Over here! Sure could use a brewski."
1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth."
1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one."
1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?"
1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?"
1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez."
1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up."
1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."
1.7 The crowd grew restless and dark. "Dude," one disciple said, "You want us to do what?" Another disciple questioned, "What does smite mean anyway? It that like a gay thing? I'm really not comfortable with that."
1.8 From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice saying, "Can you guys keep it down? We can't hear a thing. It's like a multitude here. Hey, Jesus, can you talk a little louder? Thanks."
1.9 Another said, "Are there any handouts? I can't stay for the whole thing."
2. Jesus spat.
2.1 He continued, "And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also."
2.2 "Okay, wait, lemme get this straight. If somebody sues me and rips me off for my coat, I gotta go buy him a cloak?", said a young disciple.
2.3 "No, you're not listening," said Jesus. "If somebody takes something from you, it makes you mad, right? So rather than get mad, just give him the damn coat and have a glass of wine. I can help. I've been there. " Jesus paused and said, "No, wait, that's not it. I got kind of lost in there. Let me start over."
2.4 "Okay, so the main idea is just to treat people with kindness even if they hurt you. You know what I mean?"
2.5 The same disciple said, "Sorry, I just don't get it."
2.6 Yet another said, "Lord, can we go back to the part about an eye for an eye?--I think I was starting to understand that one."
2.7 A voice from the back of the crowd inquired, "Will this be on the test?"
3. Just a little bit too loudly, Jesus said, "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid." His face kind of twitched a little.
3.1 "Say, where do you get this stuff from? Does that just come out of your head or did you read it somewhere?" Said a disciple.
3.2 Another disciple rushed to the front and said, "Oh sorry I'm late. It's a wicked bad traffic jam out there. What did I miss? Can I copy anybody's notes?"
4. Jesus threw his cigarette down and said, "Okay, let's just take a break for now."
"Please note that for longhaul flights from Terminal 5, our baggage acceptance times remain unchanged at three hours before flight departure."
"Designed by Anya Hindmarch, our new washbag is filled with a range of products from D. R. Harris, a classic British chemist and perfumer."
"Added for your comfort is a new 400-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow with silver luster detailing to help make drifting off to sleep more blissful than ever."
"And later this year we will begin to introduce a completely redesigned cabin and service culminating in a quintessential First experience that will recapture the wonder and enjoyment of flying."
"This Galleries-style lounge is a wonderful expanse of glass and light, designed to help you relax while you wait for your flight."
"British Airways will not sell your data to any third party for direct marketing."
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