Tips for Writing Out of the Office Email Messages

Five Easy Steps:
1. Summarize your place on the space-time continuum
2. Provide imaginary reason and dates
3. Mention whether you will pretend to check email
4. Suggest useless emergency contact
5. Provide irrational disclaimer and warning

Handy Example:
I am currently out of the office, as are most of my co-workers, since executive management is on this ridiculous retreat to enhance bonding and diminish lawsuits among each other.

I find myself at a series of job interviews in an attempt to leave this wretched organization. Or perhaps I am at the Quarry House Tavern. Or playing golf. Or sleeping.

If my job interviews go poorly, I shall return three days hence. When in the office, I rarely return emails on a timely basis. Thus, it is preposterous that I would read, much less reply, to your email while out of the office.

If this is an emergency, you really need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are contacting the wrong person in the first place. You may want to think this through again. I’m not The One.

Sincerely,

Arunachalam Raajkumar (Rohit) Gnanapragasam

Associate Senior Intern

Help Desk and IT Services

Friendly and Fast Government IT Services (FFGITS) Inc.

DISCLAIMER: This email is intended solely for the use of the poor soul(s) to whom it is addressed. If you received this email in error, it means the sender (Rohit) was probably intoxicated. It happens. If so, please notify Rohit immediately (good luck with that), delete the email, and set your computer on fire. We’re serious. This stuff is confidential.

WARNING: Failure to comply with the above will result in punishments that range from the merely humiliating to an excrutiating weekend with Dick Cheney. Lots of bad juju.NOTICE: The contents in this email do not necessarily represent the views of FFGITS, Rohit, or any person whether living or dead, or any corporation, real or imaginary. We have no idea who wrote this or what it means.

LIABILITY: The sender (Rohit) does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message. He’s just that way. He’s barely responsible for his personal hygiene, much less anything work-related.