More Things Tiger Woods Should Apologize For

Using my putter to make an urgent point during rush hour
For not keeping my head down and my left arm straight
Trying to hit on the sex addiction treatment counselor
Going through the 10-Items Or Less Line with 12 items
That thing I said to that lady the other day. My bad.
Not giving Accenture a heads up about my massive infidelities
Being a total Sarah Silverman freak
Making fun of Carrie Prejean (but it's so easy!)
For mixing up the names of all my mistresses
For losing my mojo
Taking advice from Charlie Sheen 
Not hooking up with the ladies from the LPGA
For not being a Saints Fan when it mattered
Being kind of into that Octomom lady
For naming my son Charlie Axel
For getting caught

Who Dat? New Orleans Saints' Secret Weapons for Superbowl XLIV

The awesome power of Who Dat Nation

Community Coffee + Beignets = better than Gatorade

Saturday afternoon Mass does not interfere with pregame activities
Brittany Brees hotter than Ashley Manning

We got Voodoo and Marie Laveau

All dem French Quarter Novenas to St. Jude 
Buddy D. bought a dress!

The Manning Meter has run out

Brees' mole on right cheek blocks fear

The amazing healing powers of Boudin

The Benson Boogie

It's change we can believe in

Hot air from James Carville reduces wind resistance

The late Sister Mary Celestine
All Saint's Day
Bobby Hebert did the Stanky Leg

Mojo: Colt's defensive end Dwight Freeney right ankle ligament

Laissez le bon temps rouler all over dem Colts!

Colt's team bus still looking for Joe Robbie Stadium
New Orleans Saints Stand Up and Get Crunk!

That whole Katrina thing (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger)
The Buddy D. Parade in the French Quarter
Retired Archbishop Phillip M. Hannan, Saints Fan

Garrett Hartley
The Colt's don't have no Pledge of Allegience (to the Saints)
The Dear Miami Letter to the Editor of the Times-Picayune 
The priest at St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans who wore a Brees jersey

Hypothetical Activities by 80-Year-Old Jimi Hendrix If He Were Still Alive

Investment Manager, Stone Free Hedge Fund
Still despondent over cancellation of ER and Arrested Development
Losing to grandkids on Wii Mario Kart
Recurring role on Law and Order as Seymour "Puffy" Stockton 
Vice President, Guitar Hero Division, MTV Networks
Frustrated Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for Sly Stone and Rip Torn
Rogaine hair loss product spokesman
Motivational speaker for the Dude, Don't Drop Out! program
Touring with Weezer and Blink-182
Not worried about that whole Fiscal Cliff thang
Undersecretary of Agriculture for Weed and Weed Sustainability
Recovering from hip replacement surgery
Arguing with contractor about renovation delays for Electric Lady Studios
Kicking back a cold one with both Bill and George Clinton  
Cashing his Social Security Check
Still ignoring Beck's "friend" request on Facebook
Watching reruns of Modern Family and My Name is Earl
Professor Emeritus, Museum Studies, Cornell University
Chair of the AARP Committee on Psychedelics and Hallucinogens
Tearing down the house at Superbowl Halftime 

John Edwards, Baby Daddy: More Admissions, Apologies, and Acknowledgments

I admit that I fathered a child with third-rate actress and fourth-rate videographer Rielle Hunter out of wedlock and lied about it for the past two years. I'm a baby daddy.


I acknowledge that my mistress is more attractive than Bill Clinton's and Newt Gingrich's mistresses (way) and less attractive than Eliot Spitzer's, David Vitter's, and John Ensign's mistresses. But she's in the ballpark.


I admit that I never did any bathroom action like Larry Craig and Mark Foley. John don't go there. Remember, Baby Daddy, Baby Daddy. I like the ladies.


I admit that I wish that I had dreamed up the idea to go to North Korea to free those gorgeous hostage babes. Damn Clinton.

I admit that I like to feel pretty. And I love to condition and volumize my hair.


I admit that I went to the Million Mom March to meet the ladies. You should try it.


I admit that I check and update my Facebook page more than a grown man should. And by the way, I nearly joined the Facebook group, "I Also Slept With John Edwards" by accident.


I acknowledge that I wanted to be Vice President mostly because it has the word "Vice" in it.


I admit I can't believe I got away with this kind of stuff for so many years. Woo hoo.

Odd and Unusual Perks That Accompany the Nobel Peace Prize

Cool Nobel Bling 

Three-month free trial of Netflix

Gnarly Nobel Peace Prize tribal tattoo
2007 Toyota Yaris

Get star named after you

Can go to the front of the line at Disneyworld

All expense paid weekend package at Kandahar Hilton

Lunch with the King of Norway (Norway has a King?)

Honorary Degree from Strayer University Online

Can keep frequent-flyer miles for trip to Norway

Fareed Zakaria’s cell phone number

Gets to jam with Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and Ice-Cube

Lifetime all you can eat Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips

New email account (Obama@NobelPeacePrize.com)

Advanced viewing of Law & Order: Norway

$1 off Pillsbury Toaster Strudel Coupon

Photo on Wheaties cereal box

Rides with Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade

Becomes King of the Krew of Comus at Mardi Gras

Private audience with Lady Gaga

Nobel Peace Prize Grillz

Cameo appearance in upcoming Nicolas Cage movie

Free Ambien
An "I Won the Peace Prize" T-shirt

Afghanistan Surge: Curious, Unusual, and Confusing Programs, Issues, and Promises

Iraqi shoe-thrower to throw the first shoe as the surge begins

Countrywide "Camels for Clunkers Program" begins

Surge largely paid for by sponsors Pepsi, KFC, and Toyota

Tiger Woods to lead tank and mechanized infantry battalion

The entire surge to be carbon neutral

Uninvited Visits by Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Sri Lankan Army force surges from 10 to 15 troops

Netflix pop-up ads to be banned in Afghanistan

Tourism Department: free hookah pipes for the first 100 post-war visitors

Taliban to be warned about Santa's Naughty or Nice List

New reality TV show: Is That My Goat?

Tea Bag protesters invited to Afghanistan to find something real to protest

Dick Cheney to say something horribly ridiculous every couple of weeks

Turns out that some of those Taliban caves are pretty cool

Bush to mount massive "My Bad" campaign

War to be decided by arm wrestling contest with Secretaries of State from the US, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Governor of Louisiana

People And Groups For Whom Priority For Obtaining the H1N1 Vaccine Has Not Yet Been Determined

Industrial steampunk Goth Girls > 40 years old
Single adult men who still live in their mom's basement
Primary caregivers of more than 10 gerbils
Fareed Zakaria
Conspiracy theorists
People who sweat too much
Drama queens
Pseudoscientists
People who pick their nose at work
Men with unicorn tattoos
Vampires
Road kill removers
Emo bands 
Amateur creation scientists
Yuppie scum
People who call suicide prevention just for fun
People who stuff their pets
People who claim to be saved but lie, cheat, and backstab
Portable toilet cleaners
People with armpit tattoos
Mall Santas
Sarah Palin