Thursday, December 20, 2012

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang




Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse? 
Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.

Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips?
Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled? 
Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends.

Question: Hi, I’m John and I’m a Zombie. [Hi John] So, we were wondering since we are already deceased technically, what’s in it for us? Is there like a downside?
Answer: Hi John. During the first 20 minutes after the start of the Mayan Apocalypse, there will be widespread panic and confusion, unkeepable and unspeakable promises will be made, and the rivers will run red with blood. So, go for it. Note that this will be immediately followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: I am scheduled to take annual leave on Friday. Dental thing. Can I bill against my project in the event that the world does not end?
Answer: You are strongly encouraged to adhere to Federal Government auditing standards right up to that final moment in which the world ceases to exist. You may find that the dental thing which seems quite distressful now becomes significantly less meaningful as the world comes to an abrupt end.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is inconvenient for me. I have a Groupon for a Manicure and Pedicure With OPI or Jessica Polish scheduled for Saturday. Can't you do something? I'm not even Mayan!
Answer: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse will usher in the end of the world, including Groupons. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: My mother-in-law is scheduled to arrive here over the weekend for the holidays. Any tips?
Answer: You are in luck. The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is schedule to arrive here on Friday. So, either way, the odds are slim to none that you will enjoy the holidays with your mother-in-law this year. Cheers.

Question: What happens to my annual leave after the Mayan Apocalypse?
Answer: You are kinda not getting this. Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse = End of World. No world = no annual leave. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.