Friday, November 10, 2017

A Short List of People Who I Really Hope Are Not Revealed to Have Engaged in Sexual Harassment or Other Horrid Behaviors Because I'm Starting to Run Out of Famous People I Respect (Updated Regularly)

Alec Baldwin
Tavis Smiley
Where in the world is Matt Lauer?
Charlie Rose
Jeffrey Tambor
Dustin Hoffman****
Al Franken
Tom Sizemore
Tom Hanks
Richard Dreyfuss
Morgan Freeman
Ben Affleck
Jane Lynch
Dave Grohl
Channing Tatum **
Hank Azaria
Louis C.K.
Ryan Gosling
George Clooney
Johnny Depp
James Franco
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani‏
Kevin Spacey
Bradley Cooper
Maya Angelou 
Colin Powell
Jeremy Piven
Steve Jobs*
Bill Gates***
Clint Eastwood
Bill Murray
Sanjay Gupta
Jimmy Carter
Muhammad Ali*
Michelle Dockery
Adam Sandler
Warren Buffett
Matt Lauer
Tina Fey
James Earl Jones

* Deceased
** For shattering CP's crush celeb image
*** I meant Steve Jobs. Bill Gates is not yet deceased.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Trump Administration:
Highlights from Next Month or so In the Future

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gradually realizes the metaphysical, existential, and epistemological impossibility of continuing to carry out this, the most impressive job of his life, with a straight face. No emoji can adequately describe his despair.

Suddenly, the imaginary Death Panels that were purposefully used as scare tactics against the Affordable Care Act now seem like plausible options for White House interns who dreamed of being White House interns during their high school and college years but have now sunk into Level Six depressions.

Alt Right Muslim Travel Ban situation gets confusing after the alt rock Muslim Travel Band does a Southern tour with Korn and Green Day. Tickets available at 

Due to clerical error by Betsy DeVos, trans fats now banned from public elementary, middle, and high school bathrooms, which is good. Meanwhile, trans kids pee in special Betsy DeVos Unisex Toilette de Trans, which is good enough for now. Every time a trans kid flushes the toilet, Betsy receives a text message with the song “Believe in Yourself” from The Wiz.

Kim Jong Un anonymously sends his resume to the Trump transition team (Senior Analyst) but gets bummed out about the federal government hiring freeze and decides to test another Taepodong intercontinental ballistic missile, kill his half-brother, and tweets Dennis Rodman.

Uber-racist and hottie fascist Steve Bannon takes a break from the White House Administration to join the cast of Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theater in New York City. Says Bannon, “This cast is fabulous! Just fabulous! Who knew? Lin-Manuel Miranda is my new politics!”