Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Glenn Beck’s Delightfully Paranoid Observations of the World around Him: A Whitman's Sampler of Real Quotes

On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.”

On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.”

On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.”

On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.”

On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?”

On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.”

On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”

On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran Cindy Sheehan: “Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut.”

On Al Gore: “Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however.”

On Michael Moore: “I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it.”

On imaginary FEMA concentration camps: “We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination. I have to tell you, I'm doing a story tonight that I wanted to debunk these FEMA camps…. I can't debunk them.”

On the end days: “There are people -- they said this about Bill Clinton -- that actually believe he might be the anti-Christ. Odds that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.”

On spreading paranoia: “The Manchurian Candidate couldn't destroy us faster than Barack Obama. If you were planning a sleeper to come in and become president of the United States, this is how he would do it.”

On the State Children's Health Insurance Program: “Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great.”

On imaginary information: “But they -- on Friday Drudge released a report that Rockefeller, Jay Rockefeller is now introducing a presidential ability to take control of the Internet and shut it down.”

On imaginary fascism: “I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. I'm not saying the Democrats are a fascist. I'm saying the government under Bush and under Obama and under -- under all of the presidents that we've seen, or at least most of the presidents that we've seen for quite some time, are slowly but surely moving us away from our republic and into a system of fascism.”

On imaginary reparations: “Everything that is getting pushed through Congress, including this health care bill, are transforming America. And they are all driven by President Obama's thinking on one idea: reparations." Beck later added that Obama's "goal is creating a new America, a new model, a model that will settle old racial scores through new social justice.”

Monday, September 14, 2009

Myths and Facts about Influenza (The Flu, Catarrh, Grippe) and the Flu Shot

Myth: Cold weather causes the flu.
Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners.

Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu.
Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed.

Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu.
Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances.

Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless.
Fact: The season flu can cause significant disability of the body and mind, including Female Hysteria, Melancholia, Nostalgia, and of course, Wandering Uterus.

Myth: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes the flu.
Fact: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes your head to be cold. And wet.

Myth: Starve a fever, feed a cold.
Fact: To rid fevers and catarrh, boil a large pot with figs and cooked onions, peeled and mixed with yeast, butter, and a cordial of wormwood, lungwort, bloodroot, and toothwort. In this water, bathe oneself for four hours. Keep the head and chest covered with the skin of a goat, to fend off a sudden chill. When finished, drink a half-pint of the mixture. It will also expel intestinal parasites.
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Ten Questions About Health Care Reform*

Q. Will I be able to keep my physician?
A. No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.

Q. Will my insurance be portable?
A. Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.

Q. How will we pay for health care reform?
A. Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.

Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea?
A. Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.

Q. What would a public option look like?
A. More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.

Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan?
A. Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.

Q. Will health care be rationed?
A. You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries.

Q. How will the Death Panel work?
A. The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination.

Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling?
A. Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.

Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor?
A. President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.

Q. What about medical marijuana?
A. Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?

* Okay, 11