Friday, February 19, 2010

More Things Tiger Woods Should Apologize For

Using my putter to make an urgent point during rush hour
For not keeping my head down and my left arm straight
Trying to hit on the sex addiction treatment counselor
Going through the 10-Items Or Less Line with 12 items
That thing I said to that lady the other day. My bad.
Not giving Accenture a heads up about my massive infidelities
Being a total Sarah Silverman freak
Making fun of Carrie Prejean (but it's so easy!)
For mixing up the names of all my mistresses
For losing my mojo
Taking advice from Charlie Sheen 
Not hooking up with the ladies from the LPGA
For not being a Saints Fan when it mattered
Being kind of into that Octomom lady
For naming my son Charlie Axel
For getting caught

Friday, February 5, 2010

Who Dat? New Orleans Saints' Secret Weapons for Superbowl XLIV

The awesome power of Who Dat Nation
Community Coffee + Beignets = better than Gatorade
Saturday afternoon Mass does not interfere with pregame activities
Brittany Brees hotter than Ashley Manning
We got Voodoo and Marie Laveau
All dem French Quarter Novenas to St. Jude 
Buddy D. bought a dress!
The Manning Meter has run out
Brees' mole on right cheek blocks fear
The amazing healing powers of Boudin
It's change we can believe in
Hot air from James Carville reduces wind resistance
The late Sister Mary Celestine
All Saint's Day
Bobby Hebert did the Stanky Leg
Mojo: Colt's defensive end Dwight Freeney right ankle ligament
Laissez le bon temps rouler all over dem Colts!
Colt's team bus still looking for Joe Robbie Stadium
New Orleans Saints Stand Up and Get Crunk!
Garrett Hartley
The Colt's don't have no Pledge of Allegience (to the Saints)
The Dear Miami Letter to the Editor of the Times-Picayune 
The priest at St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans who wore a Brees jersey

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hypothetical Activities by 70-Year-Old Jimi Hendrix If He Were Still Alive

Investment Manager, Stone Free Hedge Fund
Still despondent over cancellation of ER and Arrested Development
Losing to grandkids on Wii Mario Kart
Recurring role on Law and Order as Seymour "Puffy" Stockton 
Vice President, Guitar Hero Division, MTV Networks
Frustrated Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for Sly Stone and Rip Torn
Rogaine hair loss product spokesman
Motivational speaker for the Dude, Don't Drop Out! program
Touring with Weezer and Blink-182
Not worried about that whole Fiscal Cliff thang
Undersecretary of Agriculture for Weed and Weed Sustainability
Recovering from hip replacement surgery
Arguing with contractor about renovation delays for Electric Lady Studios
Kicking back a cold one with both Bill and George Clinton  
Cashing his Social Security Check
Still ignoring Beck's "friend" request on Facebook
Watching reruns of Modern Family and My Name is Earl
Professor Emeritus, Museum Studies, Cornell University
Chair of the AARP Committee on Psychedelics and Hallucinogens
Tearing down the house at Superbowl Halftime