U.S. Federal Government Shutdowns: More FAQs Than Really Necessary

Your Federal Government increasingly operates under “continuing appropriations resolutions.” These temporarily fund government programs and activities that have already been authorized. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date—either a continuing resolution or a regular appropriation bill—Federal Government operations will shut down and Federal Government employees will be furloughed. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. No more Panda Cam.

The following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) provide answers to key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and of course, zombies.

How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy air show over Washington DC and a few other cities. Oh, you’ll know. It’ll be loud and scary. Like dinner time at the Assad’s in Damascus.

The Blue Angel’s routine will begin with a Fat Albert (C-130) high performance takeoff and Flat Pass, a FA-18 Diamond Take-off with a Half Squirrel Cage, an Opposing Knife-Edge Pass, several Diamond Rolls, and a Double Farvel. They will do several Sneak Passes, Vertical Breaks, Delta Rolls, and a Loop Break Cross. It will be huge and posted to the YouTube, which is located inside the Internet. You should get that if you don’t already.

But aren’t the Blue Angels Part of the Federal Government? You bet they are. But they get permission from their commanders to rock on. And so they do.

Say, What is a Furlough? Isn't that French? A furlough involves placing an employee in a temporary nonduty, nonpay status because of lack of work or funds. During a furlough, Federal Government employees are prohibited from conducting official work duties, if any. For some Federal Government employees and government contractors, the difference between nonduty and duty is negligible. 

Can I go to My Office During a Furlough? Nope. Remember: Nonduty-nonpay. You gotta go home. Chill. Out.

Can I Volunteer to do my Job on a Nonpay Basis During a Furlough? HAHAHA. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Can I Work at Home During a Furlough? You may tinker in the garden, putter around the garage, and work in the kitchen. You may work on your car or your vocabulary. But if you check your Federal Government email or turn on your Government-issued Blackberry, the Federal Government will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you will know that this is your Government when We lay Our vengeance upon thee. 

Can I Work as an Exotic Dancer During a Furlough? You bet. It’s heart healthy! Your Federal Government fully supports your interest to work as an exotic dancer while on furlough. Simply provide your supervisor the address and times of your upcoming performances and you are good to go.

I am in the middle of a battle outside of Kabul, Afghanistan. What should I do? Thank you for your service. Stay put for now. Download form SR-634-B, complete it online, and forward it to your commander. That will provide permission to continue fighting until the next continuing resolution. Keep your head down. Boo-yah.

What about the National Zoo Panda Cam? Sadly, the National Zoo Panda Cam will go dark during a shutdown. I know, right? However, ladies can amuse themselves via Jezebel.com and there is no shortage of online entertainment for the guys, if you know what I mean. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Do Furloughed Federal Employees Get Paid? You will receive retroactive pay following the furlough in Rupees or IOUs.

What Happens to my Employee Benefits During a Furlough? They will be put in a locked box. Al Gore has the key. 

What Happens if I Die During the Furlough? If you were in a government-approved and registered religion in good standing, lived a good life, helped others, and filled out form AL-6501, you are likely to go to Heaven and/or a pleasant and/or meaningful alternative destination. Please note that your Federal Government wishes you a pleasant afterlife. Enjoy.

I am a Prisoner in a Federal Penitentiary. Can I Leave Now? No. The rules for Federal Government employees and Federal Government prisoners are slightly different. Shelter in place. We’ll get to you when we can.

How Does This Affect Obamacare? Business as usual. The Death Panels will continue to operate, but from a secret location, such as Mississauga, Canada. Medical marijuana shoppes will remain open 24/7 with happy hour from 5-6. Flu shots will be provided free-of-charge to seniors at all Nando’s Peri-Peri locations. Senator Ted Cruz will continue his marathon speech against Obamacare at Hooter’s in Fiscal Cliff, Texas and rant something about his new universal lawn-care bill. Unfortunately, Medical conditions developed during a shutdown will be considered pre-existing conditions when your Federal Government turns back on again. Sorry about that.

What About Zombies? Technically deceased, Zombies pay only sporadic attention to the news, social media, and email. They are notably disorganized. Thus, they may not fully appreciate the fact that there has been a government shutdown. Their primary focus will likely be the acquisition and consumption of brains. That’s what they do. Keep some distance. Note that Zombies are nearly always considered nonessential personnel and will thus be barred from entering Federal Government property and “working.”

How will I know that the Shutdown is Over? Oh don’t worry about that. Your Federal Government will find you and let you know when the coast is clear and that you can resume the fine and productive work that you presumably provide now. No phone calls, please. We’ll call you.

The US Debt Crisis: More FAQs Than You Need

Introduction

So. The United States faces the possibility of defaulting on its debts. That’s something that might happen in, oh let’s say, Haiti. And it’s kind of a big deal. Your Congress and the White House struggle in vain to negotiate a deal that would prevent a default. Democrats and Republicans have repeatedly failed to agree on spending cuts. Not gonna happen.

Meanwhile, Tea Party-sponsored lawmakers agree only that taxes are worse than immigrants, closing tax loopholes leads to heroin addiction, and Reagan would never do that, although he did exactly that um, about a dozen times.

Oh, and it seems that nearly every bonehead on Capitol Hill is making his or her own debt proposal which don’t stand a chance in hell of doing anything except making underpaid staffers pull all-nighters and have to work on weekends. Thank you for your service, kids.

Just the FAQs, Ma’am

During these difficult and challenging times, persistent questions about what will happen next continue to swirl around like the late Amy Winehouse’s beehive on a blustery day. To help you navigate your way through the swirl, we have provided more FAQs than you want or need regarding the debt ceiling, defaulting, and of course, Zombies.

Hey, What is Debt, Anyway?

Good question. Let’s start at the beginning and see what the Bible has to say about debt. To paraphrase:

God wants us to lend to others. However, it’s kinda tough if you don’t have anything to lend. (Deuteronomy 15:6, 28:12, Matthew 5:42)

We must pay back what we borrowed. Or said another way, if we borrowed it, we should pay it back. (Psalm 37:21, Ecclesiastes 5:4).

Hmm, that last one is kind of interesting.

What is a Debt Ceiling?

The debt ceiling is the legal limit that your US Federal Government can borrow money. Kind of a budgety thing. Math.

Can the Debt Ceiling be Changed?

You bet! Since the late 1950s, your US Federal Government increased its borrowing from the public in all years, except in FY1969 following imposition of a war surcharge and in the period FY1997-FY2001. You should try it!

No Way!

Way! Members of Congress don’t like to talk about it openly, but every time they vote for a spending hike or tax cut, they tacitly agree to raise the debt ceiling.

How Much $ is the Debt Ceiling?

The debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion, give or take. If the debt crisis continues, your US Government reaches a point in which it cannot borrow the money it needs to run stuff. And that would be a bad thing.

Is That a Lot of Money?

Yes.

What’s the Big Deal?

The nation’s debt is slouching toward the legal limit of $14.3 trillion. Treasury Secretary/boy-wonder Timmy Geithner says the ceiling could be breached any minute now. You can almost feel it.

Say, You Got a Chart About All That?

Sure. Check this out. It lists the gross US federal debt as a percentage of the GDP by Presidential term. You know, for a while, your US Government ran a profit. Actually made money. I’m just saying.

President	Term Years	Increase Debt/GDP
Nixon	69-73	-3.0%
Nixon/Ford	73-77	+2.0%
Carter	77-81	-3.3%
Reagan	81-85	+11.3%
Reagan	85-89	+9.3%
Bush 1	89-93	+13.0%
Clinton	93-97	-0.7%
Clinton	97-01	-9.0%
Bush 2	01-05	+7.1%
Bush 2	05-09	+20.7
Obama	09-	+9.0%

Hey, I thought Reagan…Wow. Really?

Yep. Funny thing—people believe what they want to believe, despite the facts.

So What Now?

Lawmakers must raise the ceiling by $2.2 trillion, simply to help the government make it through next year.

Is That Really a Lot?

That is more than the amount Newt Gingrich owes Tiffany and Co. for jewelry purchased for his current and third wife, the one they fear and call Callista.

 Why Does the US Have So Much Debt?

Funny story. Under President George W. Bush, the national debt soared to $4.36 trillion to pay for the wars conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, massive government expansion, and new tax cuts. Under Obama, $3.9 trillion was added for the stimulus to avoid economic meltdown and due to decreased tax revenue during a recession. Also, Michelle Obama bought a new White House tea set.

Wasn’t There a Commission About This?

Yes sir. That would be the bipartisan National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. Bye-Partisan.

Well, What Did They Propose?

They proposed a six-part plan to put our nation on a path to fiscal health, promote economic growth, and protect the most vulnerable among us. Like zombies.

Did Our Lawmakers Adopt the Plan?

Oh heavens no. They are indebted to lobbyists who would slap their hands if they tried to change anything. But Representative John Boehner proposes another commission to seriously study the situation again. Mo better, I suppose.

What Has the Government Been Doing?

Your US Government has managed to avoid default for the past few weeks by using what the Treasury describes as "extraordinary measures to create additional headroom under the debt limit." Kind of like what bordellos do when they have obese clients.

What Happens If We Default?

First, if the deadline is not met, the country would likely enter a super serious recession which would cause super bad chaos in the global economy. Bad things would happen. Gloom would prevail. Goth bands would be taken seriously.

Second, Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion would reduce the country’s credit ratings from the 900s down to the 300s. The country couldn’t get a credit card, buy a used car, or pay for hookers. Things would be grim. End times.

Third, it would cost more for the government to borrow money. Higher interest rates for mortgages, loans, and credit card balances. People will sell their gold fillings, relatives, and body organs. Many Americans would move to Canada.

Fourth, the country’s economic reputation would take a major hit in the markets, creditors would demand higher interest rates, and investors would drop their holdings in US dollars. The country would be renamed North Mexico.

Say What?

In the event of a default, the rating agency Standard & Poor's would cut America's credit rating by one notch, from the top level, AAA, to the next level, AA+. At that point, millions of investors, Government officials, and retirees would take a series of steps that eventually lead to joining AA themselves.

How Does All This Affect Me?

If your US Government defaults, it may not be able to pay Social Security and Medicare benefits, military salaries, interest on the national debt, tax refunds, or Groupons. 

How Will this Affect my 401(K)?

Hopefully, your retirement funds are diversified in relation to capitalization ranges, fundamental characteristics, and region. Nevertheless, your portfolio will be affected in ways that you can’t wrap your mind around just yet. You are doomed. Sell now. Buy gold. Avoid bonds.

What Happens to Govt. Employees?

For the most part, Federal Government employees will have a lot of time to gently reflect on the myriad mistakes in their lives that led them to become Federal Government Employees in the first place. The question “Why” will come up a lot, followed by “What just happened?” 

What About Zombies?

In the event of a default, a Zombie Apocalypse is likely. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has set up Zombie Preparedness Centers throughout the country. The CDC will provide critical information regarding Zombie-related prevention, treatment, and evaluation routes, primarily through Facebook and Twitter.

PDF version with nice photos: 

http://www.scribd.com/doc/60979007/The-US-Debt-Crisis-More-FAQs-Than-You-Need