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Showing posts from May, 2009

Rejected Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) Work Group

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Fareed Zakaria Zoloft Deficiency Mixed Avoidant-Dependent Personality Disorder Co-Occurring Stigmata-Compulsive Hand-Washing Disorder Persistent and Irritating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Mild or Habañero) Mental Disorder due to Falun Gong (法輪功) Scientology Donald Rumsfeld’s Syndrome Disorder Ego-Dystonic and Totally Clueless Homosexuality Co-Occurring Apathy-Amnestic Disorder Chronic Religious Fundamentalism Disorder Maladaptive but Completely Understandable Relational Disorder Manifest Destiny Chronic Undifferentiated Maternal Whining Disorder 1. Jewish Mother Type 2. Catholic Mother Type 3. Muslim Mother Type

Antidepressants That Sound Like They Might Be Fun

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Celexa—A fun, outer-space suicide cult on vacation। Maybe in France. Or a sassy stripper. Zoloft—A magical and wonderful world of robots somewhere in the near future. Zelapar—Another, better, more wonderful and magical world of robots in the future. Desyrel—A world of heavily tattooed, drunk, hippie wench chicks at the local Renaissance Faire. Zelapar, Nardil, and Marplan—A kabob house and hookah lounge in Lebanon that gets crazy at night. Remeron—A cool place with a science fiction or friendly alien buzz. Lustral—A land of gorgeous, luxurious, shining hair. Or a city in Egypt. Or both. Lexapro—Masculine and professional like HomeDepot. Or a fax-photocopier. Paxil—Peace. A pill. Peace in a pill, man. Om Shanti Om. St. John's Wort—Spiritual whisky mash. Organic. Asendin—Manifest Destiny in pill form. I wanna be taken higher. Wellbutrin—Perfect well-being and overall wonderfulness. No aftertaste.

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One

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1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." 1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one." 1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?" 1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?" 1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez." 1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up." 1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil:

British Airways Email Phrases that Sound Better with a British Accent

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"Please note that for longhaul flights from Terminal 5, our baggage acceptance times remain unchanged at three hours before flight departure." "Designed by Anya Hindmarch, our new washbag is filled with a range of products from D. R. Harris, a classic British chemist and perfumer." "Added for your comfort is a new 400-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow with silver luster detailing to help make drifting off to sleep more blissful than ever." "And later this year we will begin to introduce a completely redesigned cabin and service culminating in a quintessential First experience that will recapture the wonder and enjoyment of flying." "This Galleries-style lounge is a wonderful expanse of glass and light, designed to help you relax while you wait for your flight." "British Airways will not sell your data to any third party for direct marketing." "View our privacy policy."

Tips for Writing Out of the Office Email Messages

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Five Easy Steps: 1. Summarize your place on the space-time continuum 2. Provide imaginary reason and dates 3. Mention whether you will pretend to check email 4. Suggest useless emergency contact 5. Provide irrational disclaimer and warning Handy Example: I am currently out of the office, as are most of my co-workers, since executive management is on this ridiculous retreat to enhance bonding and diminish lawsuits among each other. I find myself at a series of job interviews in an attempt to leave this wretched organization. Or perhaps I am at the Quarry House Tavern. Or playing golf. Or sleeping. If my job interviews go poorly, I shall return three days hence. When in the office, I rarely return emails on a timely basis. Thus, it is preposterous that I would read, much less reply, to your email while out of the office. If this is an emergency, you really need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are contacting the wrong person in the first place. You may want to think this throu

Genesis 1:1-4 Alternate Versions

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Genesis 1:1-4 (King James Version) In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Genesis 1:1-4 (Valley Girl Version) So like God totally created the heaven AND the earth! Bonus! Awesome! BUT like the earth wasn’t accessorized (barf) and the waters weren’t pretty (gag me). And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters and junk. Like whatever. And so He was like “Let there be light” and stuff. And like OMG, there was light! You know? Awesome! Genesis 1:1-4 (Cockney Rhyming Slang Version) In the bloody beginnin’ God created the chuffin’ ‘eaven and the earf. and the earf was wifaht form, and void; and darkness was upon the Chevy Chase of the deep. and the spirit of God moved upon the Chevy Chase of the waters. And God said, let there be light: and there was Isle Of Wight. G

Anniversary Cards for Polygamists

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Honey, You’re the Best You may be my second wife But you will always be Number One to me . To my Loving Wife Number Three When one is not enough But four is a crowd It fills me with glee, to remember That 10 years ago today, You wanted to be Wife Number Three. A Belated Anniversary It’s a plural life Having many a wife So many kids and spouses milling around. I get forgetful — Please excuse my ways। I just wanted to say: A belated anniversary to you today. To My Latest Wife My latest wife–and the youngest, yet So wide-eyed with wonder about our little sect. Your sister-wives will watch your back, Although they hope you too will soon be fat. To My Fourth Wife on Our Anniversary My wives are many And that is true But that shouldn’t make you Feel so blue. Mark my words–no seriously, mark them You bring me happiness like Old Number Two To One of My Wives on our Anniversary As the days pass so quickly, And kids’ cries deafen the day, We sometimes forget the little things. Take for examp

Rejected Titles for Barack Obama’s Book: The Audacity of Hope

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The Paucity of Dope The Audacity of Expectorants Why Not Sanguinity? Axis: Bold as Love Half-Black Like Me Why Jesus Don’t Love You The Impudence of a Lack of Pessimism Righteous In-Dig-Nation (get it?) Expecting the Opposite of Despair Positively Main Street Hope is Four Letter Word Is This a Self-Help or a Trade Book? Blood Sugar Sex Magik The Impudence of Optimism The Mendacity of Apprehension The Dream of the Blue Turtles The Audacity of Audacity Why Bad Things Happen to Good People Don’t Touch Me There, Mister