Friday, May 29, 2009

Rejected Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) Work Group

Fareed Zakaria

Zoloft Deficiency
Mixed Avoidant-Dependent Personality Disorder
Co-Occurring Stigmata-Compulsive Hand-Washing Disorder
Persistent and Irritating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Mild or Habañero)
Mental Disorder due to Falun Gong (法輪功)
Donald Rumsfeld’s Syndrome
Disorder Ego-Dystonic and Totally Clueless Homosexuality
Co-Occurring Apathy-Amnestic Disorder
Chronic Religious Fundamentalism Disorder
Maladaptive but Completely Understandable Relational Disorder
Manifest Destiny
Chronic Undifferentiated Maternal Whining Disorder
1. Jewish Mother Type
2. Catholic Mother Type
3. Muslim Mother Type

Antidepressants That Sound Like They Might Be Fun

Celexa—A fun, outer-space suicide cult on vacation। Maybe in France. Or a sassy stripper.

Zoloft—A magical and wonderful world of robots somewhere in the near future.

Zelapar—Another, better, more wonderful and magical world of robots in the future.

Desyrel—A world of heavily tattooed, drunk, hippie wench chicks at the local Renaissance Faire.

Zelapar, Nardil, and Marplan—A kabob house and hookah lounge in Lebanon that gets crazy at night.

Remeron—A cool place with a science fiction or friendly alien buzz.

Lustral—A land of gorgeous, luxurious, shining hair. Or a city in Egypt. Or both.

Lexapro—Masculine and professional like HomeDepot. Or a fax-photocopier.

Paxil—Peace. A pill. Peace in a pill, man. Om Shanti Om.

St. John's Wort—Spiritual whisky mash. Organic.

Asendin—Manifest Destiny in pill form. I wanna be taken higher.

Wellbutrin—Perfect well-being and overall wonderfulness. No aftertaste.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One

1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth."

1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one."

1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?"

1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?"

1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez."

1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up."

1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

1.7 The crowd grew restless and dark. "Dude," one disciple said, "You want us to do what?" Another disciple questioned, "What does smite mean anyway? It that like a gay thing? I'm really not comfortable with that."

1.8 From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice saying, "Can you guys keep it down? We can't hear a thing. It's like a multitude here. Hey, Jesus, can you talk a little louder? Thanks."

1.9 Another said, "Are there any handouts? I can't stay for the whole thing."

2. Jesus spat.

2.1 He continued, "And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also."

2.2 "Okay, wait, lemme get this straight. If somebody sues me and rips me off for my coat, I gotta go buy him a cloak?", said a young disciple.

2.3 "No, you're not listening," said Jesus. "If somebody takes something from you, it makes you mad, right? So rather than get mad, just give him the damn coat and have a glass of wine. I can help. I've been there. " Jesus paused and said, "No, wait, that's not it. I got kind of lost in there. Let me start over."

2.4 "Okay, so the main idea is just to treat people with kindness even if they hurt you. You know what I mean?"

2.5 The same disciple said, "Sorry, I just don't get it."

2.6 Yet another said, "Lord, can we go back to the part about an eye for an eye?--I think I was starting to understand that one."

2.7 A voice from the back of the crowd inquired, "Will this be on the test?"

3. Just a little bit too loudly, Jesus said, "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid." His face kind of twitched a little.

3.1 "Say, where do you get this stuff from? Does that just come out of your head or did you read it somewhere?" Said a disciple.

3.2 Another disciple rushed to the front and said, "Oh sorry I'm late. It's a wicked bad traffic jam out there. What did I miss? Can I copy anybody's notes?"

4. Jesus threw his cigarette down and said, "Okay, let's just take a break for now."

British Airways Email Phrases that Sound Better with a British Accent

"Please note that for longhaul flights from Terminal 5, our baggage acceptance times remain unchanged at three hours before flight departure."

"Designed by Anya Hindmarch, our new washbag is filled with a range of products from D. R. Harris, a classic British chemist and perfumer."

"Added for your comfort is a new 400-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow with silver luster detailing to help make drifting off to sleep more blissful than ever."

"And later this year we will begin to introduce a completely redesigned cabin and service culminating in a quintessential First experience that will recapture the wonder and enjoyment of flying."

"This Galleries-style lounge is a wonderful expanse of glass and light, designed to help you relax while you wait for your flight."

"British Airways will not sell your data to any third party for direct marketing."

"View our privacy policy."

Tips for Writing Out of the Office Email Messages

Five Easy Steps:

1. Summarize your place on the space-time continuum
2. Provide imaginary reason and dates
3. Mention whether you will pretend to check email
4. Suggest useless emergency contact
5. Provide irrational disclaimer and warning

Handy Example:
I am currently out of the office, as are most of my co-workers, since executive management is on this ridiculous retreat to enhance bonding and diminish lawsuits among each other.

I find myself at a series of job interviews in an attempt to leave this wretched organization. Or perhaps I am at the Quarry House Tavern. Or playing golf. Or sleeping.

If my job interviews go poorly, I shall return three days hence. When in the office, I rarely return emails on a timely basis. Thus, it is preposterous that I would read, much less reply, to your email while out of the office.

If this is an emergency, you really need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are contacting the wrong person in the first place. You may want to think this through again. I’m not The One.


Arunachalam Raajkumar (Rohit) Gnanapragasam
Associate Senior Intern
Help Desk and IT Services
Friendly and Fast Government IT Services (FFGITS) Inc.

DISCLAIMER: This email is intended solely for the use of the poor soul(s) to whom it is addressed. If you received this email in error, it means the sender (Rohit) was probably intoxicated. It happens. If so, please notify Rohit immediately (good luck with that), delete the email, and set your computer on fire. We’re serious. This stuff is confidential.

WARNING: Failure to comply with the above will result in punishments that range from the merely humiliating to an excrutiating weekend with Dick Cheney. Lots of bad juju.NOTICE: The contents in this email do not necessarily represent the views of FFGITS, Rohit, or any person whether living or dead, or any corporation, real or imaginary. We have no idea who wrote this or what it means.

LIABILITY: The sender (Rohit) does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message. He’s just that way. He’s barely responsible for his personal hygiene, much less anything work-related.

Genesis 1:1-4 Alternate Versions

Genesis 1:1-4 (King James Version)
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Genesis 1:1-4 (Valley Girl Version)
So like God totally created the heaven AND the earth! Bonus! Awesome! BUT like the earth wasn’t accessorized (barf) and the waters weren’t pretty (gag me). And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters and junk. Like whatever. And so He was like “Let there be light” and stuff. And like OMG, there was light! You know? Awesome!

Genesis 1:1-4 (Cockney Rhyming Slang Version)
In the bloody beginnin’ God created the chuffin’ ‘eaven and the earf. and the earf was wifaht form, and void; and darkness was upon the Chevy Chase of the deep. and the spirit of God moved upon the Chevy Chase of the waters. And God said, let there be light: and there was Isle Of Wight.

Genesis 1:1-4 (Snoop Dogg Version)
In thizzle bizzle, G-O-Dizzle crizzle thizzle hizzle and thizzle eizzle. Shiznit, ya’ll. Thizzle light off the hizzle, fo shizzle, ha ha. Chuuch. My Dizzle, what you sizzle?

Genesis 1:1-4 (IM Version)
AFAIK TPTB created hevn/earth!!!!!!!! :lol:
& earth=void; water=dark/ :-(
Spirit/God moved oupon the face 0f the Waters :!:
And God s4id, le tthrebelight~~~~ :-x
And therewuz light!!!! 8-)

Genesis 1:1-4 (Elmer Fudd Version)
In the beginning God cweated the heaven and the eawth. And the eawf was without fowm, and void; and dawkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spiwit of God moved upon the face of the watews. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! And God said, Wet thewe be wight: and thewe was wight.

Genesis 1:1-4 (l337/LEET Version)
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Anniversary Cards for Polygamists

Honey, You’re the Best
You may be my second wife
But you will always be Number One to me.

To my Loving Wife Number Three
When one is not enough
But four is a crowd
It fills me with glee, to remember
That 10 years ago today,
You wanted to be Wife Number Three.

A Belated Anniversary
It’s a plural life
Having many a wife
So many kids and spouses milling around.
I get forgetful — Please excuse my ways।
I just wanted to say:
A belated anniversary to you today.

To My Latest Wife
My latest wife–and the youngest, yet
So wide-eyed with wonder about our little sect.
Your sister-wives will watch your back,
Although they hope you too will soon be fat.

To My Fourth Wife on Our Anniversary
My wives are many
And that is true
But that shouldn’t make you
Feel so blue.
Mark my words–no seriously, mark them
You bring me happiness like Old Number Two

To One of My Wives on our Anniversary
As the days pass so quickly,
And kids’ cries deafen the day,
We sometimes forget the little things.
Take for example, that I sometimes forget your name.
But on this anniversary of our blessed wed,
I hope to remember where is our bed?

Our Covenant Seal
You are my wife, loving and true
And also my first cousin–tis also true
And our kids look both like me and like you!
On this anniversary of our covenant seal
Please help your sister-wives make us a great big meal!

You are More than a Second Wife to Me
Love is patient and kind
It is not arrogant or rude
Love never ends…
But seriously, don’t you think you could get with the program like your other sister-wives? And what’s with that dress? You think we are on “Little House on the Prairie” or something? Who the hell wears a bonnet these days?

Rejected Titles for Barack Obama’s Book: The Audacity of Hope

The Paucity of Dope
The Audacity of Expectorants
Why Not Sanguinity?
Axis: Bold as Love
Half-Black Like Me
Why Jesus Don’t Love You
The Impudence of a Lack of Pessimism
Righteous In-Dig-Nation (get it?)
Expecting the Opposite of Despair
Positively Main Street
Hope is Four Letter Word
Is This a Self-Help or a Trade Book?
Blood Sugar Sex Magik
The Impudence of Optimism
The Mendacity of Apprehension
The Dream of the Blue Turtles
The Audacity of Audacity
Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
Don’t Touch Me There, Mister