Lies, Deceit, and Stuff

Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse?  Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff. Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips? Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world . Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly. Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled?  Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends. Question: Hi, I’m John and

Fiscal Clift is the son of moody and sullen 1950’s actor Montgomery Clift Fiscal Cliff was one of the rejected names for the country music group Rascal Flatts The Fiscal Cliff overlooks the newly-remodel Fiscal Bay Spa Hotel and Beach Resort New Disney World Fiscal Cliff ride much better than the Abyss of Sequestration Despite years of renovations, the Fiscal Cliff is still not ADA-accessible Fiscal Cliff and the Psychedelic Rangers will tour with the Goo Goo Dolls in 2013 Best Fiscal Cliff diving: Red Bull Fiscal Cliff Diving World Series-Muscat, Oman Fiscal Clift and Aunt Eleanor Clift both play the bassoon and pinochle Fiscal Slope and Hill both easier and safer to snow ski than Fiscal Cliff Jelly Defense-Fiscal Cliff Android and Apple apps now available Fiscal Cliff Notes: Sequestration not nearly as much fun as it sounds For what its worth, Fiscal Cliff in Arabic looks like this: كليف المالية 

Where do I vote? Republicans vote at a secret Masonic Lodge downtown. Democrats vote at the Cajun Lounge and Social Club. Gumbo! Libertarians somberly vote at bookstores that sell Ayn Rand books. Green Party members vote at Burning Man or out in the woods. Scientologists don’t vote. They focus on the expression of the cosmic source. Do I need identification? Yes, we accept VISA, Mastercard, American Express, and PayPal. My precinct does not have electricity. How can I vote? Under emergency procedures, you may vote by email and FAX.  Um, we don’t have electricity for computers or FAX machines. Okay then, give us a call and take care of it for you. Trust us. We don’t have phone service. What can I do? Send us your votes using ESP, telepathy, clairvoyance, or retrocognition. What if I change my mind? If you change your mind before the end of the day, return to the place where you voted and explain to the officials that you changed your mind and would like a do-ove

6:05 PM - Gabby Douglas Does Backflip and Sings Star Spangled Banner 6:15 PM - Bloopers and Outtakes: Joe Biden Goes Wild! 6:30 PM - John Edwards and Anthony Weiner Live From Bar Across Street 6:45 PM - Intoxicated Glenn Beck Mistakenly Hits On Rahm Emanuel 7:00 PM - Obama Tribute Video: Neither Muslim Nor Mormon: What Am I?  7:30 PM - Joe Biden Opens Mouth and Everyone Gets Really Nervous 7:45 PM - Emotional Joe Lieberman Wants Back In 8:00 PM - Al Green. Really? Dang. 8:15 PM - Nancy Pelosi: I'm Better Off Than Four Years Ago 8:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Kickoff  8:45 PM - Barbara Mikulski: Broad's  Shoulders and Lipstick Ladies 9:15 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update 10:15 PM - Geraldo Rivera Still Looking for Tampa Convention Center 10:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update 10:45 PM - President Bill Clinton Keynote Address 11:00 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Wrapup 11:00 PM - President Bill Clinton Meets Dallas Cheerleaders 11:15 PM - President Clinton Brings Cheerleaders to

Mitt's Moving Personal Story-- Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly  became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia. It's All Obama's Fault-- Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop. Big Ideas-- Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out o

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey 4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent 4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love 4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it. 4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants 4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat" 5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him 5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again? 5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin 5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes 6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style 6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day 6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably 6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not 7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There 7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough 7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig 7:45 PM - Lec

The Supreme Court ruled that well, The Supreme Court Rules . Chief Justice Roberts was the swing voter but not in the way you think. Death Panels are back! Canadian health system jealous it didn’t think of it. The American people now have an individual mandate to rock. Zombiecare not covered since they are technically deceased. The fine for not purchasing health insurance: 5 hours of Fox News. The Affordable Care Act is off the hizzle fo shizzle my fizzle. The Constitution’s Commerce Clause: Nothing to do with Santa Claus. Dude, you should so get some of that health care. Dramatic Medicaid expansion not as dramatic as Newt Gingrich expansion. Health benefit payouts will be managed by the Hard Rock Casino in Biloxi, MS. If you are an adult age 26 living with your parents, dude, really? Time to go. You may be entitled to coverage of preventive services that include weed. If you have preexisting conditions, well that really sucks for you. If your employ

Q. Will I be able to keep my physician?  No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences. Q. Will my insurance be portable?  Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included. Q. How will we pay for health care reform?  Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much. Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea?  Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it.  Yes we can?  No they can't. Q. What would a public

Allen West: For the Folks Who Actually Think That Democrats are Communists. Rick Santorum: To entice the Fear-of-Gays-and Birth Control voting bloc. Glenn Beck: To nail down the Apocalyptic-Conspiracy-Fear-Race-Baiting voting bloc. Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer (Co-VPs): To confuse and annoy some people. Rush Limbaugh: To attract the Disinformation-Anti-woman-Hate bloc. Michelle Bachmann: To get the Obama-is-a-Secret-Muslim Birther vote bloc. Oh shut up. Newt Gingrich: To court the Anti-Child-Labor Law Lover and Pro-Torture voter bloc. Tim Pawlenty: For the Home School-Intelligent Design-Enhanced Interrogation bloc. Rick Perry: To get the Pro-Sonogram-Death Penalty-Pro-Guantanamo Bay bloc. Yay! Buddy Roemer: For the Pro-Medical Marijuana Pre-Born Civil Rights voter bloc. Donald Trump: To get the Legalize & Tax Drugs and Pro-Universal Health Care vote.

Family Values Romney— With the same lady since 1969. But she’s in it for the money. Paul— Dude, he has been with the same lady since 1957. But kinda racist in a grandfatherly sort of way. Santorum— He’s probably married or something because he has seven kids. Way homophobic. Gingrich— Let’s see now. He married his high school teacher (he was 19 and she was 26—discuss); while married, he had an affair with and then married Marianne Ginther; while married, he had an 6-year affair with and then married Callista Bisek (23 years difference-discuss). Whoops, we forgot about another affair between wives 1 and 2. Torture Romney— Not sure if waterboarding is torture. “Get back to you later.” Paul— Against it. Santorum— Believes the lie that torture has been “proven to be successful.” Also big fan of Opus Dei, a controversial right-wing organization that promotes self-flagellation and corporal mortification. Gingrich— Kind of into it. Same-Sex Marriage Romney— Tells Fox News he supports cons