Thursday, December 20, 2012

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang




Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse? 
Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff.

Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips?
Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled? 
Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends.

Question: Hi, I’m John and I’m a Zombie. [Hi John] So, we were wondering since we are already deceased technically, what’s in it for us? Is there like a downside?
Answer: Hi John. During the first 20 minutes after the start of the Mayan Apocalypse, there will be widespread panic and confusion, unkeepable and unspeakable promises will be made, and the rivers will run red with blood. So, go for it. Note that this will be immediately followed by the end of the world. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: I am scheduled to take annual leave on Friday. Dental thing. Can I bill against my project in the event that the world does not end?
Answer: You are strongly encouraged to adhere to Federal Government auditing standards right up to that final moment in which the world ceases to exist. You may find that the dental thing which seems quite distressful now becomes significantly less meaningful as the world comes to an abrupt end.

Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is inconvenient for me. I have a Groupon for a Manicure and Pedicure With OPI or Jessica Polish scheduled for Saturday. Can't you do something? I'm not even Mayan!
Answer: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse will usher in the end of the world, including Groupons. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Question: My mother-in-law is scheduled to arrive here over the weekend for the holidays. Any tips?
Answer: You are in luck. The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse is schedule to arrive here on Friday. So, either way, the odds are slim to none that you will enjoy the holidays with your mother-in-law this year. Cheers.

Question: What happens to my annual leave after the Mayan Apocalypse?
Answer: You are kinda not getting this. Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse = End of World. No world = no annual leave. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Mim's Handy FAQs about the Fiscal Cliff



Fiscal Clift is the son of moody and sullen 1950’s actor Montgomery Clift
Fiscal Cliff was one of the rejected names for the country music group Rascal Flatts
The Fiscal Cliff overlooks the newly-remodel Fiscal Bay Spa Hotel and Beach Resort
New Disney World Fiscal Cliff ride much better than the Abyss of Sequestration
Despite years of renovations, the Fiscal Cliff is still not ADA-accessible
Fiscal Cliff and the Psychedelic Rangers will tour with the Goo Goo Dolls in 2013
Best Fiscal Cliff diving: Red Bull Fiscal Cliff Diving World Series-Muscat, Oman
Fiscal Clift and Aunt Eleanor Clift both play the bassoon and pinochle
Fiscal Slope and Hill both easier and safer to snow ski than Fiscal Cliff
Jelly Defense-Fiscal Cliff Android and Apple apps now available
Fiscal Cliff Notes: Sequestration not nearly as much fun as it sounds
For what its worth, Fiscal Cliff in Arabic looks like this: كليف المالية 


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mim's Election Day FAQs



Where do I vote?
Republicans vote at a secret Masonic Lodge downtown.
Democrats vote at the Cajun Lounge and Social Club. Gumbo!
Libertarians somberly vote at bookstores that sell Ayn Rand books.
Green Party members vote at Burning Man or out in the woods.
Scientologists don’t vote. They focus on the expression of the cosmic source.

Do I need identification?
Yes, we accept VISA, Mastercard, American Express, and PayPal.

My precinct does not have electricity. How can I vote?
Under emergency procedures, you may vote by email and FAX. 

Um, we don’t have electricity for computers or FAX machines.
Okay then, give us a call and take care of it for you. Trust us.

We don’t have phone service. What can I do?
Send us your votes using ESP, telepathy, clairvoyance, or retrocognition.

What if I change my mind?
If you change your mind before the end of the day, return to the place where you voted and explain to the officials that you changed your mind and would like a do-over, also called a re-vote. It happens all the time. You might end up on America’s Funniest Videos.

If you change your mind after the election has ended, you have many options. You may write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper, conduct a seance, complain to one of my well-meaning aunts, or speak with your minister or psychotherapist. Also, you have four years to make your decision next time.  

What is the Electoral College?
Technically not an accredited college. More like continuing ed.
Seriously hard to get a copy of your Electoral College transcript. 
The Sorority Sisters at the Electoral College are fine, phat, and thick!
Newt Gingrich was held back a year for well, you know.
The Electoral College Marching Band is kind of a rag-tag affair but fun.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Democratic Convention Schedule



6:05 PM - Gabby Douglas Does Backflip and Sings Star Spangled Banner

6:15 PM - Bloopers and Outtakes: Joe Biden Goes Wild!
6:30 PM - John Edwards and Anthony Weiner Live From Bar Across Street
6:45 PM - Intoxicated Glenn Beck Mistakenly Hits On Rahm Emanuel
7:00 PM - Obama Tribute Video: Neither Muslim Nor Mormon: What Am I? 

7:30 PM - Joe Biden Opens Mouth and Everyone Gets Really Nervous
7:45 PM - Emotional Joe Lieberman Wants Back In
8:00 PM - Al Green. Really? Dang.
8:15 PM - Nancy Pelosi: I'm Better Off Than Four Years Ago

8:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Kickoff 
8:45 PM - Barbara Mikulski: Broad's Shoulders and Lipstick Ladies
9:15 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update
10:15 PM - Geraldo Rivera Still Looking for Tampa Convention Center
10:30 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Update
10:45 PM - President Bill Clinton Keynote Address
11:00 PM - Cowboys vs. Giants Wrapup
11:00 PM - President Bill Clinton Meets Dallas Cheerleaders
11:15 PM - President Clinton Brings Cheerleaders to Gentlemen's Club 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Mitt Romney's Republican Convention Speech: Highlights, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes

Mitt's Moving Personal Story--Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia.

It's All Obama's Fault--Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop.


Big Ideas--Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out of Vietnam--I mean when your flight arrives, Liberate France, or at least their wines, and End Both the Cold War and the War on Drugs. Mandatory Family Home Evenings. Privatize everything. Privatize privatization. 


Get Super-Duper Tough on Terrorism--Will find, capture, and re-kill Osama bin Laden and stuff like that. But more toughly than Obama.

Clint Eastwood--Whoops, my bad. That did not turn out like We expected. My apologies to the chair. 


Thursday, August 30, 2012

2012 Republican Convention Schedule



4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey
4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent
4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love
4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it.
4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat"

5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him
5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again?
5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin
5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes
6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style
6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day
6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably
6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not
7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There

7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough
7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig
7:45 PM - Lecture by a Vial of Ronald Reagan's Blood 
8:00 PM - Zombie Preparedness by the CDC
8:15 PM - Lecture: Why Obama Hates America, Kids, and Senior Citizens

8:45 PM - Video of John McCain Being Really Cranky
9:15 PM - Mitt Accepts Nomination and Electrifies the Nation. Psych! 
10:00 PM - Lynyrd Skynyrd Plays Something Really Old

10:15 PM - A Very Late  Geraldo Rivera Arrives Wet From Hurricane Isaac
11:00 PM - John McCain Leads Entire Delegation to Tampa Strip Clubs 
11:15 PM - Romney Makes Bold Presidential Move to Go to Bed Early

Friday, June 29, 2012

Odd, Unusual, and Strange Supreme Court Announcements About the Affordable Care Act



The Supreme Court ruled that well, The Supreme Court Rules.
Chief Justice Roberts was the swing voter but not in the way you think.
Death Panels are back! Canadian health system jealous it didn’t think of it.
The American people now have an individual mandate to rock.
Zombiecare not covered since they are technically deceased.
The fine for not purchasing health insurance: 5 hours of Fox News.
The Affordable Care Act is off the hizzle fo shizzle my fizzle.
The Constitution’s Commerce Clause: Nothing to do with Santa Claus.
Dude, you should so get some of that health care.
Dramatic Medicaid expansion not as dramatic as Newt Gingrich expansion.
Health benefit payouts will be managed by the Hard Rock Casino in Biloxi, MS.
If you are an adult age 26 living with your parents, dude, really? Time to go.
You may be entitled to coverage of preventive services that include weed.
If you have preexisting conditions, well that really sucks for you.
If your employer does not provide insurance, don’t get sick.
National high-risk insurance pool will close for 15 minutes after lightening.

The Affordable Care Act: More FAQs Than You Can Handle

Q. Will I be able to keep my physician? No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.



Q. Will my insurance be portable? Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.


Q. How will we pay for health care reform? Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.


Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea? Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.


Q. What would a public option look like? More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.


Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan? Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.


Q. Will health care be rationed? You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries. 


Q. How will the Death Panel work? The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination. 


Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling? Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.


Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor?  President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.


Q. What about medical marijuana? Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Odd, Unusual, and Improbable Suggestions for Mitt Romney Vice President Picks

Allen West: For the Folks Who Actually Think That Democrats are Communists.
Rick Santorum: To entice the Fear-of-Gays-and Birth Control voting bloc.
Glenn Beck: To nail down the Apocalyptic-Conspiracy-Fear-Race-Baiting voting bloc.
Keith Olbermann and Eliot Spitzer (Co-VPs): To confuse and annoy some people.
Rush Limbaugh: To attract the Disinformation-Anti-woman-Hate bloc.
Michelle Bachmann: To get the Obama-is-a-Secret-Muslim Birther vote bloc. Oh shut up.
Newt Gingrich: To court the Anti-Child-Labor Law Lover and Pro-Torture voter bloc.
Tim Pawlenty: For the Home School-Intelligent Design-Enhanced Interrogation bloc.
Rick Perry: To get the Pro-Sonogram-Death Penalty-Pro-Guantanamo Bay bloc. Yay!
Buddy Roemer: For the Pro-Medical Marijuana Pre-Born Civil Rights voter bloc.
Donald Trump: To get the Legalize & Tax Drugs and Pro-Universal Health Care vote.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Your Handy Guide to the Republican Presidental Candidate Position on a few Key Issues


Family Values
Romney—With the same lady since 1969. But she’s in it for the money.
Paul—Dude, he has been with the same lady since 1957. But kinda racist in a grandfatherly sort of way.
Santorum—He’s probably married or something because he has seven kids. Way homophobic.
Gingrich—Let’s see now. He married his high school teacher (he was 19 and she was 26—discuss); while married, he had an affair with and then married Marianne Ginther; while married, he had an 6-year affair with and then married Callista Bisek (23 years difference-discuss). Whoops, we forgot about another affair between wives 1 and 2.

Torture
Romney—Not sure if waterboarding is torture. “Get back to you later.”
Paul—Against it.
Santorum—Believes the lie that torture has been “proven to be successful.” Also big fan of Opus Dei, a controversial right-wing organization that promotes self-flagellation and corporal mortification.
Gingrich—Kind of into it.

Same-Sex Marriage
Romney—Tells Fox News he supports constitutional amendment. Tells gays “I’m all in.”
Paul—“If gay people want the same headaches and as straight married people, good grief, let em have it!”
Santorum—Compares homosexuality with bestiality, child molestation, and incest, and not in a good way. Also believes same-sex marriage would usher in the Apocalypse.  
Gingrich—Would send his openly lesbian half-sister Candace to Guantanamo Bay.  

Birth Control
Romney—Glad that Gingrich uses contraception.  
Paul—Has prescribed contraceptives.  
Santorum—Believes contraception is the leading danger to the country.  
Gingrich—“Are you kidding me? If I didn’t use a rubber, you know how many kids I would have today?”

Immigration
Romney—Pro-fence. Now anti-amnesty but was previously for “path to citizenship.”  
Paul—Anti-fence. Would place Michelle Bachman at border.
Santorum—Would deputize and move all 311 On The Border franchises to the actual border.
Gingrich—Ridiculous call for “100 percent control” of the Mexican border. Good luck with that.

China
Romney—Says “China is a currency manipulator” but he likes Kung Pao Chicken.
Paul—Advocates “peaceful engagement” and Peking Duck.
Santorum—Wants to avoid trade war and likes Hot and Sour Soup.
Gingrich—Build "Double Fence," beef up US military in Australia “just in case” and only eats American.