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Showing posts from March, 2011

President Obama's Reasons for Getting All Airstrikey on Libya

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That Charlie Sheen thing was making me crack. What can a Tomahawk cruise missile do? Let's find out. Oil . It’s Springtime! Cherry blossoms! B-2s! F-15! F-16! The Arab League asked the UN Security Council to do it. Manifest destiny, dude. We had this Operation Odyssey Dawn Website and, …. That whole brutal dictator murdering his own people thing. US national security interests: Primo beaches! Getting jiggy with the Obama Doctrine. يجعلني أشعر أنها جميلة.

Fragments of an Overheard Imaginary Conversation Between Mr. and Mrs. Gaddafi During a Recent Air Strike

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Honey, remind me to pick up some mustard gas on the way out. No silly, this is not what the Americans call “March Madness.” Damn cruise missiles. I wish they had an app for that. Did I really just say “Dustbin of history?” What was I thinking? Safia, please turn the damn foursquare off on your iPhone! We just don’t have time to get a Charlie Sheen update. Let’s go! I doubt very much that there is a Groupon for an escape helicopter. Hey look, they are playing, “What’s My Tribe” on TV! I need to look more incognito. How about a soul patch? Before we escape, does this burqa make my butt look big? Where the hell are my virgin bodyguards?  

Rejected Names for Operation Odyssey Dawn

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Operation Odyssey Mid-Afternoon Operation Kia Sedona Operation Rock the Kasbah Operation Libyian Oil Reserves Operation Insane Clown Posse Operation Lego Deathstar (my son's favorite) Operation Truffle Junkie Upchuck Operation Hammer Time! Operation Hey, Let's Invade Another Arab Country! Operation No Fly/No Service Operation Mission Creep Operation What the Hell Were We Thinking? Operation Manifest Destiny Operation Hey, I Have an Idea Operation What Mustard Gas? Operation Let's Go Libya! Operation  Al-Qaeda Hallucinatory Nescafe Conspiracy Soiree Where in the World is Matt Lauer Charlie Sheen? Oh, by the way: Odyssey: (1) A long series of wanderings or adventures, usually marked by changes of fortune , (2) An intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest, (3) An epic poem attributed to Homer recounting the long wanderings of Odysseus. Odyssey, really?

Things that Japanese Survivors do not Need

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Hello Kitty HAZMAT suits Neither Onyums nor Pringles Groupons for facials Snowstorms Radiation in drinking water Advice from Glenn Beck Cheering up Neither Geraldo Rivera nor Bill O'Reilly Another tsunami Neither Celene Dior nor Mel Gibson How to help

Very Uncool things to do Following a Nuclear Disaster (#Losing)

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Telling rescue worker “I’m OK. How is Charlie Sheen?” Sexting rather than texting the Red Cross. Selling ½-off Hello Kitty radiation HAZMAT suit Groupons. Comparing recent “dating disaster” with actual disaster. Selling your irradiated land as “Beach Front” property. Organizing damaged reactor tours with “Free X-Rays.” Trying to hit up that really cute rescue lady. Selling spent fuel rods. Get ‘em while they’re hot! Building another nuclear power plant on same fault line. Trying to translate Zach Galifianakis in Japanese. Explaining the situation using episodes of The Simpsons. ” Asking Glenn Beck what it all means. And believing it. Describing your bad hair day as a “huge disaster.” Wondering what a President Palin would have done. Taking a swim in a reactor pool. Asking Senator John McCain for advice.

Charlie Sheen & Muammar Gaddafi Quotes: Conceptual Framework

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Charlie Sheen Muammar Gadaffi Conceptual Framework I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood man.   There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet. Ridiculous and easily proven to be untrue Im Not Bipolar. Im Bi-winning. Democracy means permanent rule! There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.   Actually false but maybe he believes it If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! Can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from, uh...this terrestrial realm.   I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I’ll merely imprison anyone who logs in to it. The exhilaration of improbable potentialities We are high priest assassin warlocks. Were it not for electricity, we would have to watch television in the dark. Con

Charlie Sheen's To-Do List

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Get today’s Groupon for customized nutrition bars & call it #WINNING Update my LinkedIn page to include new brain and Adonis DNA. Renew my subscription to Manic Psycho Rant Monthly magazine. Call Qaddafi’s radio show and rant RE Libyan TV series  2،5 الرجال Return Modern Man In Search of a Soul by Carl Jung to the library. Drop by the church and get ashes! Drive to Target to get a few more bottles of Tiger Blood . Ask NATO to establish a no fly zone over my house. Sharpen my machete for a fight in the Octogon. Think about a new charitable cause I can support while high. Get seven gram rocks of cocaine, because that’s how I roll. Threaten to sue somebody. Maybe sue myself? Gnarly. Call Daddy.

What Charlie Sheen Meant: Misquoting Lord Tennyson, a lot

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Charlie Sheen meant well. He simply misquoted Alfred Lord Tennyson. A lot. But, things happen. Everything's different since 9/11.  What Charlie said: “ Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. ” What he meant to say: “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever.”  What Charlie said: “ You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can’t handle it. Unplug this bastard. ’” What Charlie meant: “"Better not be at all than not be noble." What Charlie said: “ I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA. ” What Charlie meant: “Who are wise in love, love most, say least.” What Charlie said: “ I’m going to hang out with these two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world. ” What Charlie meant: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” What Charlie said: “ Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists. ” What Charlie meant: “Kn