Tuesday, March 29, 2011

President Obama's Reasons for Getting All Airstrikey on Libya

That Charlie Sheen thing was making me crack.
What can a Tomahawk cruise missile do? Let's find out.
It’s Springtime! Cherry blossoms! B-2s! F-15! F-16!
The Arab League asked the UN Security Council to do it.
Manifest destiny, dude.
We had this Operation Odyssey Dawn Website and, ….
That whole brutal dictator murdering his own people thing.
US national security interests: Primo beaches!
Getting jiggy with the Obama Doctrine.

يجعلني أشعر أنها جميلة.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Fragments of an Overheard Imaginary Conversation Between Mr. and Mrs. Gaddafi During a Recent Air Strike

Honey, remind me to pick up some mustard gas on the way out.
No silly, this is not what the Americans call “March Madness.”
Damn cruise missiles. I wish they had an app for that.
Did I really just say “Dustbin of history?” What was I thinking?
Safia, please turn the damn foursquare off on your iPhone!
We just don’t have time to get a Charlie Sheen update. Let’s go!
I doubt very much that there is a Groupon for an escape helicopter.
Hey look, they are playing, “What’s My Tribe” on TV!
I need to look more incognito. How about a soul patch?
Before we escape, does this burqa make my butt look big?

Where the hell are my virgin bodyguards? 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rejected Names for Operation Odyssey Dawn

Operation Odyssey Mid-Afternoon
Operation Kia Sedona
Operation Rock the Kasbah
Operation Libyian Oil Reserves
Operation Insane Clown Posse
Operation Lego Deathstar (my son's favorite)
Operation Truffle Junkie Upchuck
Operation Hammer Time!
Operation Hey, Let's Invade Another Arab Country!
Operation No Fly/No Service
Operation Mission Creep
Operation What the Hell Were We Thinking?
Operation Manifest Destiny
Operation Hey, I Have an Idea
Operation What Mustard Gas?
Operation Let's Go Libya!
Operation  Al-Qaeda Hallucinatory Nescafe Conspiracy Soiree
Where in the World is Matt Lauer Charlie Sheen?

Oh, by the way: Odyssey: (1) A long series of wanderings or adventures, usually marked by changes of fortune, (2) An intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest, (3) An epic poem attributed to Homer recounting the long wanderings of Odysseus. Odyssey, really?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Things that Japanese Survivors do not Need

Hello Kitty HAZMAT suits
Neither Onyums nor Pringles
Groupons for facials
Radiation in drinking water
Advice from Glenn Beck
Cheering up
Neither Geraldo Rivera nor Bill O'Reilly
Another tsunami
Neither Celene Dior nor Mel Gibson

How to help

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Very Uncool things to do Following a Nuclear Disaster (#Losing)

Telling rescue worker “I’m OK. How is Charlie Sheen?”
Sexting rather than texting the Red Cross.
Selling ½-off Hello Kitty radiation HAZMAT suit Groupons.
Comparing recent “dating disaster” with actual disaster.
Selling your irradiated land as “Beach Front” property.
Organizing damaged reactor tours with “Free X-Rays.”
Trying to hit up that really cute rescue lady.
Selling spent fuel rods. Get ‘em while they’re hot!
Building another nuclear power plant on same fault line.
Trying to translate Zach Galifianakis in Japanese.
Explaining the situation using episodes of The Simpsons.
Asking Glenn Beck what it all means. And believing it.
Describing your bad hair day as a “huge disaster.”
Wondering what a President Palin would have done.
Taking a swim in a reactor pool.
Asking Senator John McCain for advice.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Charlie Sheen & Muammar Gaddafi Quotes: Conceptual Framework

Charlie Sheen

Muammar Gadaffi

Conceptual Framework
I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood man.
There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.
Ridiculous and easily proven to be untrue
Im Not Bipolar. Im Bi-winning.

Democracy means permanent rule! There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.
Actually false but maybe he believes it
If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! Can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from, uh...this terrestrial realm.
I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I’ll merely imprison anyone who logs in to it.
The exhilaration of improbable potentialities
We are high priest assassin warlocks.

Were it not for electricity, we would have to watch television in the dark.

Contemplative reflection and brainstorming
I have cleansed myself, I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself.
I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired. When I do, everything will burn.
I'm sorry man I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.

I am like the Queen of England.
The wish for magical powers
If you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and y our children will weep over your exploded body.
Protest however you want, but do not go onto the streets and squares!
Vicious recrimination and warnings
I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering.

They love me. All my people with me. They love me all.
Spitballing, wishing, and believing one’s own spin
Ambien. Hello. Ambien. Hello. The devil's aspirin.
They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe.
Cautionary product placement
I’m an F-18 bro.
Moammar Gadhafi is one of you.

Mystical and trippy yet dubious 

You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, ‘Look, you've got to get into rehab. You have to shut it down. You're going to die.’

The invasion of Iraq was not justified because Saddam had already abandoned weapons of mass destruction.
That is actually true

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Charlie Sheen's To-Do List

Get today’s Groupon for customized nutrition bars & call it #WINNING
Update my LinkedIn page to include new brain and Adonis DNA.
Renew my subscription to Manic Psycho Rant Monthly magazine.
Call Qaddafi’s radio show and rant RE Libyan TV series  2،5 الرجال
Return Modern Man In Search of a Soul by Carl Jung to the library.
Drop by the church and get ashes!
Drive to Target to get a few more bottles of Tiger Blood.
Ask NATO to establish a no fly zone over my house.
Sharpen my machete for a fight in the Octogon.
Think about a new charitable cause I can support while high.
Get seven gram rocks of cocaine, because that’s how I roll.
Threaten to sue somebody. Maybe sue myself? Gnarly.

Call Daddy.

Monday, March 7, 2011

What Charlie Sheen Meant: Misquoting Lord Tennyson, a lot

Charlie Sheen meant well. He simply misquoted Alfred Lord Tennyson. A lot. But, things happen. Everything's different since 9/11. 

What Charlie said: “Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
What he meant to say: “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever.” 

What Charlie said: “You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can’t handle it. Unplug this bastard.’”
What Charlie meant: “"Better not be at all than not be noble."

What Charlie said: “I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA.
What Charlie meant: “Who are wise in love, love most, say least.”

What Charlie said: “I’m going to hang out with these two smoooooking hotties and fly privately around the world.
What Charlie meant: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

What Charlie said: “Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.
What Charlie meant: “Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.”

What Charlie said: “It boils and it fuels you. It boils in a state that would eclipse a microwave.
What Charlie meant: “Theirs is not to reason why, theirs is but to do and die.”

What Charlie said: “I’m an F-18 bro.”
What Charlie meant: “I’m an F-18 bro.”

What Charlie said: “My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.
What Charlie meant:  “A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”

What Charlie said: “I have one speed. I have one gear. Go.
What Charlie meant: “To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

What Charlie said: “Most of the time- and this includes naps- I’m an F-18.”
What Charlie meant: “Nor is it wiser to weep a true occasion lost, but trim our sails, and let old bygones be.”

What Charlie said: “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.
What Charlie meant: “I am a part of all that I have met.”

What Charlie said: “I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that’s how I roll.
What Charlie meant: “I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that’s how I roll.”