Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shocking Wikileaks Revelations

Mercurial Libyan ruler Muammar Qaddafi feels splendid and posh wearing Channel haute couture while watching Eddie Izzard in concert.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad craves polyester, believes that Wikipedia caused 9/11, and desperately wants to meet Justin Bieber and "ask him to stop it."

U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told leaders of Israel and the PLO to “Just hug it out.”

It turns out that Kazakhstan is an actual country with a capital city, its own language, a government, a military, a currency, roads, hookers, and something called the Baikonur Cosmodrome.

U.N. Secretary Ban Ki-moon reveals that he actually prefers the new aggressive pat-down searches at the airport. He sometimes pats himself down. Harshly.

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe is corrupt, repressive, and dictatorial. But he can’t miss an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sexcapades, womanizing, booze and drug parties, and bunga-bunga party games have been good for the escort girl business during these tough times.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton: Same size 48 pant suit, sometimes switch suits during sleepovers, and think that David Cameron is "dreamy."

Hasni Mubarak has been to every Yanni concert in the past four years. Misses Gino Vannelli.
Prince Andrew (who is he anyway?) has his own Captain Kirk chair and likes to “fire rockets” to impress his guests. 

Kim Jong Un likes to take the ladies to the Yongbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center and chat them up about fissile material and stuff while listening to Michael Jackson.

Osama bin Laden hates America but wow does he love www.bettycrocker.com and the recipe for potato au gratin. Add Portobello shrooms and broccoli. Also hates bedbugs, the kind they got in caves.

Prince Charles was really mad that he was not invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. He bought a gift and everything.

Long before Wikileaks, Camilla Parker had her own problem with leaks, if you know what I mean.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has all the same tattoos as Snoop Dogg. And then some.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jesus Tries Hard to Teach the Multitudes, Again

The Parable of the Sower

And again Jesus began to teach by the sea. A great multitude had gathered, so He hopped into a boat and sat in it on the sea, looking very wise and nautical.

Although many in the multitude were not the brightest lights in the house, He tried to teach them using parables, and said to them: “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow."

Someone in the multitude interrupted Him and said, "Hey mate, is that s-e-w or s-o-w? It's a bit loud back here." The crowd awkwardly stirred.

Jesus repeated Himself and more loudly said, "Behold, a sower went out to sow (s-o-w). Can you hear me now?"

And He continued the parable: "As he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it."

"Say, Brother, what kind of seed are we talking about? And are they special birds or just any old birds?"

Jesus said, "It doesn't matter. It's a parable, dude. Just try to keep up."

And He continued, "Some fell on stony ground, and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth. Since it had no root it withered away. And some seed fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up and produced: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.” And He said to them, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear! You know what I'm saying?”

"A loud voice came from the multitude: "I just don't get it. What you talking about, man?"

Frustrated, Jesus put His hands on His hips, glared at the crowd and said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable?"

The crowd answered in unison, "No, it's bloody hard to follow. We're a bit gobsmacked. Can you kindly walk us through it? That might help."

Jesus Tries The Cliff Notes Version

Jesus drew a long puff from his cigarette, threw it to the ground, and said, "Chill, dude, I'm going to lay the Cliff Notes version on you."

Jesus continued, "Let me break it down for you."

"The farmer sows the word. Get it? Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan (ask me later about a funny story about him) comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. You still with me?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Awright geeezzaa! Dude that is seriously heavy. Keep going. I'm curious where you are going with this."

"Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble comes, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life and other stuff choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

A voice from the multitude said, "Okay I think I got it. Why didn't you just say it that way in the first place?" Another said, "So it means that you want us to grow gardens? Do some weeding? Something like that?"

Jesus Tries out a new Bit: A Lamp on a Stand

Jesus said, "Oh Jeez. Okay, here's a bit I like to call 'A Lamp on a Stand.' It's short, so maybe you can get this one."

He said to them, “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Is that a trick question?" Another said, "Is this going to be on the test?" Another said, "How big is the lamp?"

Jesus turned away from the multitudes, mumbling under his breath, "Boneheads."

Jesus skedaddled.

Friday, June 25, 2010

BP Oil Spill Theme Park Rides and Games

The Blowout Preventer—Hang on for dear life and try to work a series of valves and try to seal an oil well! Whoops, look out for the robots and falling oil rigs! It’s a Tower of Doom!

The Top Kill—It takes a Top Gun to ride some heavy drilling fluid down into a live oil well! See if you can shut down the well! Bet you can’t! It’s a gusher!

Cap that Well!—Little engineers will love trying to place a “containment device” over a live gushing oil well a mile below the sea! Hey, don’t knock it off!

Skimmers and Sharks—See how much oily water you can collect using your own boat. But watch out for the sharks! They are oily and mad.

Saw and Cap—Use actual underwater robots to saw broken pipe and place a “containment device” over the spewing oil! It’s cold down there!

Junk Shot Blast!—Hey kids, try to plug up a well using golf balls, pieces of tires, and whatever you can find! The more junk you shoot, the more points you make!

Fun with Chemical Dispersants—Try your hand at “dispersing” 50,000 barrels of oil per day. It’s harder than you think!

Undersea Plume—Hang on for some slick fun as you ride an undersea plume made out of real oil! Hi Mr. Shark! Next stop: Pensacola Beach!

Controlled Burns—Grab some booms, lasso some oil, and set that ocean on fire! The more smoke you make the more points you get. Don’t get burned!

The Great Relief Well Race—Race your buddies to drill a well that will intercept the oil flow, but remember it is 17,000 feet below the sea floor!

Boom, Boom, Boom!—Create your own plastic or cloth flotation device and try to stop surface oil slick from coming inland! Just try. Hey, we need more pom-poms and hair over here!

Tar Balls!—See how many tar balls you can collect in your bucket! Be careful, it’s sticky! Points off if you step on one.

The Hurricane!—Uh oh a hurricane is coming! You have five exciting days to remove your containment device, let that oil flow freely, evade a hurricane, and return to start all over!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Why the Al and Tipper Gore Split Seems Boring

Lacks an Eliot Spitzer prostitution ring 
No John Edwards adultery + chemo thang
Lacks Heather Mills temper tantrums 
That whole Gulf of Mexico thing
Global warming: lost that loving feeling?
Lacks the James McGreevey "whoops I'm gay" thing
Gore marriage more believable than Clinton "marriage"
Lacks the Mel Gibson anti-semitic rants 
Makes Iran-Contra affair seem like a real affair
Lacks Governor Mark Sanford's whining
No divorce by Twitter ala Jim Carrey
Lacks the bizarre touches of a Mike Tyson
No A-Rod affair with Madonna
Lacks the obvious adultery of Rudy Giuliani
Just to ask: What was Lisa Marie thinking?
Lacks the Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown drama

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bad Places for Bring Your Kid to Work Day

Anywhere in Syria
Joe's Meth Lab Cleanup Services
Malleswaram Leprosarium,India
75th Ranger Regiment
Mississippi State Penitentiary
Circuit City and CompUSA
Hamad's A1 Suicide Bomb Training School 

The Piercing Pagoda
Plan B Strip Club, Juarez
Pete's Port-O-Potty Cleaners
DC Crime Scene Cleanup, Inc.

Darfur Refugee Camp
The Knife Outlet and Ammo Shop
37th Avenue Crack House
Anchorage Fish Processing Plant
The Cha Cha Cha Funeral Home
United States Senate

JFK Air Traffic Control Tower
Mel's Medical Waste Biohazard Plant
Perdue Poultry Farm Kill Room
Hazmat SCUBA Diving Division
The Vatican
Sanjay's Rodent Extermination Company
Toyota Quality Assurance Division

Friday, February 19, 2010

More Things Tiger Woods Should Apologize For

Using my putter to make an urgent point during rush hour
For not keeping my head down and my left arm straight
Trying to hit on the sex addiction treatment counselor
Going through the 10-Items Or Less Line with 12 items
That thing I said to that lady the other day. My bad.
Not giving Accenture a heads up about my massive infidelities
Being a total Sarah Silverman freak
Making fun of Carrie Prejean (but it's so easy!)
For mixing up the names of all my mistresses
For losing my mojo
Taking advice from Charlie Sheen 
Not hooking up with the ladies from the LPGA
For not being a Saints Fan when it mattered
Being kind of into that Octomom lady
For naming my son Charlie Axel
For getting caught

Friday, February 5, 2010

Who Dat? New Orleans Saints' Secret Weapons for Superbowl XLIV

The awesome power of Who Dat Nation
Community Coffee + Beignets = better than Gatorade
Saturday afternoon Mass does not interfere with pregame activities
Brittany Brees hotter than Ashley Manning
We got Voodoo and Marie Laveau
All dem French Quarter Novenas to St. Jude 
Buddy D. bought a dress!
The Manning Meter has run out
Brees' mole on right cheek blocks fear
The amazing healing powers of Boudin
It's change we can believe in
Hot air from James Carville reduces wind resistance
The late Sister Mary Celestine
All Saint's Day
Bobby Hebert did the Stanky Leg
Mojo: Colt's defensive end Dwight Freeney right ankle ligament
Laissez le bon temps rouler all over dem Colts!
Colt's team bus still looking for Joe Robbie Stadium
New Orleans Saints Stand Up and Get Crunk!
Garrett Hartley
The Colt's don't have no Pledge of Allegience (to the Saints)
The Dear Miami Letter to the Editor of the Times-Picayune 
The priest at St. Louis Cathedral in New Orleans who wore a Brees jersey

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hypothetical Activities by 70-Year-Old Jimi Hendrix If He Were Still Alive

Investment Manager, Stone Free Hedge Fund
Still despondent over cancellation of ER and Arrested Development
Losing to grandkids on Wii Mario Kart
Recurring role on Law and Order as Seymour "Puffy" Stockton 
Vice President, Guitar Hero Division, MTV Networks
Frustrated Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor for Sly Stone and Rip Torn
Rogaine hair loss product spokesman
Motivational speaker for the Dude, Don't Drop Out! program
Touring with Weezer and Blink-182
Not worried about that whole Fiscal Cliff thang
Undersecretary of Agriculture for Weed and Weed Sustainability
Recovering from hip replacement surgery
Arguing with contractor about renovation delays for Electric Lady Studios
Kicking back a cold one with both Bill and George Clinton  
Cashing his Social Security Check
Still ignoring Beck's "friend" request on Facebook
Watching reruns of Modern Family and My Name is Earl
Professor Emeritus, Museum Studies, Cornell University
Chair of the AARP Committee on Psychedelics and Hallucinogens
Tearing down the house at Superbowl Halftime 

Thursday, January 21, 2010

John Edwards, Baby Daddy: More Admissions, Apologies, and Acknowledgments

I admit that I fathered a child with third-rate actress and fourth-rate videographer Rielle Hunter out of wedlock and lied about it for the past two years. I'm a baby daddy.

I acknowledge that my mistress is more attractive than Bill Clinton's and Newt Gingrich's mistresses (way) and less attractive than Eliot Spitzer's, David Vitter's, and John Ensign's mistresses. But she's in the ballpark.

I admit that I never did any bathroom action like Larry Craig and Mark Foley. John don't go there. Remember, Baby Daddy, Baby Daddy. I like the ladies.

I admit that I wish that I had dreamed up the idea to go to North Korea to free those gorgeous hostage babes. Damn Clinton.

I admit that I like to feel pretty. And I love to condition and volumize my hair.

I admit that I went to the Million Mom March to meet the ladies. You should try it.

I admit that I check and update my Facebook page more than a grown man should. And by the way, I nearly joined the Facebook group, "I Also Slept With John Edwards" by accident.

I acknowledge that I wanted to be Vice President mostly because it has the word "Vice" in it.

I admit I can't believe I got away with this kind of stuff for so many years. Woo hoo.