Friday, November 10, 2017

A Short List of People Who I Really Hope Are Not Revealed to Have Engaged in Sexual Harassment or Other Horrid Behaviors Because I'm Starting to Run Out of Famous People I Respect (Updated Regularly)

Alec Baldwin
Tavis Smiley
Where in the world is Matt Lauer?
Charlie Rose
Jeffrey Tambor
Dustin Hoffman****
Al Franken
Tom Sizemore
Tom Hanks
Richard Dreyfuss
Morgan Freeman
Ben Affleck
Jane Lynch
Dave Grohl
Channing Tatum **
Hank Azaria
Louis C.K.
Ryan Gosling
George Clooney
Johnny Depp
James Franco
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani‏
Kevin Spacey
Bradley Cooper
Maya Angelou 
Colin Powell
Jeremy Piven
Steve Jobs*
Bill Gates***
Clint Eastwood
Bill Murray
Sanjay Gupta
Jimmy Carter
Muhammad Ali*
Michelle Dockery
Adam Sandler
Warren Buffett
Matt Lauer
Tina Fey
James Earl Jones

* Deceased
** For shattering CP's crush celeb image
*** I meant Steve Jobs. Bill Gates is not yet deceased.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Trump Administration:
Highlights from Next Month or so In the Future

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gradually realizes the metaphysical, existential, and epistemological impossibility of continuing to carry out this, the most impressive job of his life, with a straight face. No emoji can adequately describe his despair.

Suddenly, the imaginary Death Panels that were purposefully used as scare tactics against the Affordable Care Act now seem like plausible options for White House interns who dreamed of being White House interns during their high school and college years but have now sunk into Level Six depressions.

Alt Right Muslim Travel Ban situation gets confusing after the alt rock Muslim Travel Band does a Southern tour with Korn and Green Day. Tickets available at 

Due to clerical error by Betsy DeVos, trans fats now banned from public elementary, middle, and high school bathrooms, which is good. Meanwhile, trans kids pee in special Betsy DeVos Unisex Toilette de Trans, which is good enough for now. Every time a trans kid flushes the toilet, Betsy receives a text message with the song “Believe in Yourself” from The Wiz.

Kim Jong Un anonymously sends his resume to the Trump transition team (Senior Analyst) but gets bummed out about the federal government hiring freeze and decides to test another Taepodong intercontinental ballistic missile, kill his half-brother, and tweets Dennis Rodman.

Uber-racist and hottie fascist Steve Bannon takes a break from the White House Administration to join the cast of Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theater in New York City. Says Bannon, “This cast is fabulous! Just fabulous! Who knew? Lin-Manuel Miranda is my new politics!”

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

U.S. Federal Government Shutdowns: More FAQs Than Really Necessary

Your Federal Government increasingly operates under “continuing appropriations resolutions.” These temporarily fund government programs and activities that have already been authorized. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date—either a continuing resolution or a regular appropriation bill—Federal Government operations will shut down and Federal Government employees will be furloughed. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. No more Panda Cam.

The following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) provide answers to key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and of course, zombies.

How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy air show over Washington DC and a few other cities. Oh, you’ll know. It’ll be loud and scary. Like dinner time at the Assad’s in Damascus.

The Blue Angel’s routine will begin with a Fat Albert (C-130) high performance takeoff and Flat Pass, a FA-18 Diamond Take-off with a Half Squirrel Cage, an Opposing Knife-Edge Pass, several Diamond Rolls, and a Double Farvel. They will do several Sneak Passes, Vertical Breaks, Delta Rolls, and a Loop Break Cross. It will be huge and posted to the YouTube, which is located inside the Internet. You should get that if you don’t already.

But aren’t the Blue Angels Part of the Federal Government? You bet they are. But they get permission from their commanders to rock on. And so they do.

Say, What is a Furlough? Isn't that French? A furlough involves placing an employee in a temporary nonduty, nonpay status because of lack of work or funds. During a furlough, Federal Government employees are prohibited from conducting official work duties, if any. For some Federal Government employees and government contractors, the difference between nonduty and duty is negligible. 

Can I go to My Office During a Furlough? Nope. Remember: Nonduty-nonpay. You gotta go home. Chill. Out.

Can I Volunteer to do my Job on a Nonpay Basis During a Furlough? HAHAHA. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Can I Work at Home During a Furlough? You may tinker in the garden, putter around the garage, and work in the kitchen. You may work on your car or your vocabulary. But if you check your Federal Government email or turn on your Government-issued Blackberry, the Federal Government will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you will know that this is your Government when We lay Our vengeance upon thee. 

Can I Work as an Exotic Dancer During a Furlough? You bet. It’s heart healthy! Your Federal Government fully supports your interest to work as an exotic dancer while on furlough. Simply provide your supervisor the address and times of your upcoming performances and you are good to go.

I am in the middle of a battle outside of Kabul, Afghanistan. What should I do? Thank you for your service. Stay put for now. Download form SR-634-B, complete it online, and forward it to your commander. That will provide permission to continue fighting until the next continuing resolution. Keep your head down. Boo-yah.

What about the National Zoo Panda Cam? Sadly, the National Zoo Panda Cam will go dark during a shutdown. I know, right? However, ladies can amuse themselves via and there is no shortage of online entertainment for the guys, if you know what I mean. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Do Furloughed Federal Employees Get Paid? You will receive retroactive pay following the furlough in Rupees or IOUs.

What Happens to my Employee Benefits During a Furlough? They will be put in a locked box. Al Gore has the key. 

What Happens if I Die During the Furlough? If you were in a government-approved and registered religion in good standing, lived a good life, helped others, and filled out form AL-6501, you are likely to go to Heaven and/or a pleasant and/or meaningful alternative destination. Please note that your Federal Government wishes you a pleasant afterlife. Enjoy.

I am a Prisoner in a Federal Penitentiary. Can I Leave Now? No. The rules for Federal Government employees and Federal Government prisoners are slightly different. Shelter in place. We’ll get to you when we can.

How Does This Affect Obamacare? Business as usual. The Death Panels will continue to operate, but from a secret location, such as Mississauga, Canada. Medical marijuana shoppes will remain open 24/7 with happy hour from 5-6. Flu shots will be provided free-of-charge to seniors at all Nando’s Peri-Peri locations. Senator Ted Cruz will continue his marathon speech against Obamacare at Hooter’s in Fiscal Cliff, Texas and rant something about his new universal lawn-care bill. Unfortunately, Medical conditions developed during a shutdown will be considered pre-existing conditions when your Federal Government turns back on again. Sorry about that.

What About Zombies? Technically deceased, Zombies pay only sporadic attention to the news, social media, and email. They are notably disorganized. Thus, they may not fully appreciate the fact that there has been a government shutdown. Their primary focus will likely be the acquisition and consumption of brains. That’s what they do. Keep some distance. Note that Zombies are nearly always considered nonessential personnel and will thus be barred from entering Federal Government property and “working.”

How will I know that the Shutdown is Over? Oh don’t worry about that. Your Federal Government will find you and let you know when the coast is clear and that you can resume the fine and productive work that you presumably provide now. No phone calls, please. We’ll call you.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

False, Untrue, Fictitious, Improbable, and Implausible Names of Saints and the Things About Which They are Apparently Patrons

Saint Ambien—patron saint of sleep-eating
Saint Fareed the Zakaria—patron saint of truthiness
Saint Yves Saint Laurent-patron saint of le parfum et les cosmétiques
Saint Zoloft of Celexa—patron saint of vapors and melancholia 
Saint Remulon—patron saint of robots
Saint Arabica—patron saint of coffee, coffee beans, and coffee houses
Saint Scopalamine of Benadrylpatron saint of impending seasickness
Saint Flöardfull—patron saint of people putting Ikea things together
Saint Sinus the Deviated—patron saint of allergic rhinitis 
Saint Deus ex Machina—patron saint of frustrated screenwriters
Saint Groupón—patron saint now 40% off
Saint Gingrich of Newt—patron saint of Bezerkistan
Saint Yaris of Slough-upon-Avon—patron saint of F1 Karting
Saint Alzheimer—patron saint of uh, wait, um, hold on, I know this
Saint Paxil the Dizzy—patron saint of Legoland rides
Saint Cruise of Travolta—patron saint of Dianetics and Diabetics
Saint Wiener of Brooklyn—patron saint of selfies 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham

Manage a Papal-themed food truck: Pontificiae Victus Carrus
Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints
Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna (Papal Crush!)
Celebrity Survivor Austria
Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime
Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome
Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen
An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV withDanica Patrick
Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars
V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “Molly

Spending time with the grandkids
Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family
Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee House in Milan
Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer
Work on my moves
Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about
Part time school bus driver and crossing guard
Going to Disneyland! (Paris) with the boyz

Assistant manager at local Nandos Peri Peri

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Odd, Unusual, False, and Imaginary Reasons why the Electricity Went Out During the Superbowl

Saving electricity for Mardi Gras
Excessive power needed to remove Beyonce's Spanx
So 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick could get another tattoo
King Richard III kind of angry finding self buried in parking lot
PBS turned it off so people would watch Downton Abbey
Louisiana Voodoo, Curses, and Gris-Gris
Beyonce flashed the Illuminati Sign signaling New World Order
To give the 49ers something to think about
New Orleans just ran out of electricity 
Saints Coach Sean Payton Gets Payback After Suspension
So CBS could run a few more commercials
So Oreo could tweet the instant ad: You can still dunk in the dark
Some nonesense about substations and wires