Friday, June 26, 2009

Just a Few Questions Left Unanswered Following the Death of Michael Jackson

Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop?

What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles?

What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly.

What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still.

Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right?

Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why?

Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left?

What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one.

Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that work out?

How would a 70-year-old Michael Jackson look, with particular attention to the long-term effects of multiple plastic surgeries?

Was the recent exclusive in Effeminate Androgynous High Tenor Albino Celebrity Magazine really exclusive?

What was Wolf Blitzer thinking as he turned to yet another celebrity weirdo about their experience with the King of Pop? No seriously, what do you imagine he was thinking?

How will all those die-hard fans living in such complete denial go on with their lives? Who will they stalk next? I'm just saying.

What will happen to the alpacas?

What will happen to his kids?

How will this affect me?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts

Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake.
Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may.

Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness.
Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her?
Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.
Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign.

Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this?
Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened.
Governor Sanford: And he was incredibly gentlemanly, as you cannot imagine, in saying here were some things that I was struggling with.

Bob Woodruff: Why did you continue to deny it and not tell the truth?
Senator Edwards: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple.
Governor Sanford: And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self; that sin is, in fact, grounded in this notion of what is it that I want as opposed to somebody else?

Bob Woodruff: There are reports that you have tried to cover up.
Senator Edwards: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved.
Governor Sanford: All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it.

Bob Woodruff: Any final thoughts?
Senator Edwards: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.
Governor Sanford: I had my own ticket. We swapped e-mails, whatever.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Correction Notices That Quite Possibly Caused Confusion or Grief

Correction: In the weekend movie review section, Stephen Baldwin was described as a "washed-up, born-again, second-rate, reality-show actor." Mr. Baldwin is a washed-up, born-again, third rate, reality-show actor. We apologize for the error.

Correction: In an article on the hidden dangers of horticulture, Mildred P. Mulligan was incorrectly described as a resident of West Side Village, a suburb of Brookside. She is currently a resident of the Indiana Women's Prison at Clarksville. She is serving seven to life.

Correction: In a caption accompanying a photograph of the Brookside Garden and Civic Club, the obese lady on the left of the table of finger sandwiches was misidentified. She is Constance "Connie" Barnham. She only looks like the late Shelly Winters during her fat years and gets that a lot.

Correction: In our recent series on child abuse, James A. Fallanger, who lives in the 400 block of Ivy Way in Brookside, and volunteers at the Senior Center on Main Street, was incorrectly characterized as a sex offender. Mr. Fallenger is an architect. We apologize for this unfortunate editing error.

Correction: A recent restaurant review of the Westside Tavern mentioned that the empanadas were "an affront to humanity." In fact, the empanadas in question are "horrid, vile, and contemptable" and the management is "an affront to humanity." Our bad.

Correction: Our review of Danny's Eatery refers to it as being next to the AMC movie complex. In fact, the tavern is conveniently next to the Brookside Gentlemen's Pleasure and Social Club. There is shared parking.

Correction: A review of the new Brookside All-You-Can-Eat Emporium described the Emporium as a "bustling family-friendly restaurant." In fact, while it bustles, it is only family-tolerant, and then only to White families. Not tolerant with hippies, Gays, or foreigners. Certainly not Gay foreign hippies.

Correction: In an article about the West Coast Hip Hop Rap artist Snoop Dogg, Mr. Dogg was incorrectly described as being one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable proteges. In fact, Mr. Dogg was one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable source for weed.

Correction: A recent article regarding the use of administration-approved torture techniques characterized Former Vice President Cheney as "a liar and an enabler of torture." We meant to say that Mr. Cheney is "technically not human, has no soul, and is therefore exempt from the laws of the country and nature."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Tips for Becoming a Successful Recovering Celebrity Addict

1. Become a celebrity (film, movies, music, porn).

2. Acquire wicked addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn).

3. Experience: (A) Compulsion, (B) Loss of control, (C) Continued use despite adverse consequences, and (D) Something about relapse.

4. Hit bottom (See B, C, and D above). Maybe bounce a bit.

5. Apologize. Renounce vice of choice. Create nonprofit and website. Replace publicist.

6. Do community service and blog about it. Or pay someone to make amends.

7. Do Letterman or Oprah. Or concert. Movie of the week.

8. Tell cute vignettes from recovery book.

9. Repeat as required.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes Again

1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?”

1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?”

1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea."

1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.”

1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered.

1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?”

2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”

2.1 Again, silence. “So, tell me if I got this right. A dude finds a treasure buried in the dirt. Fine. He re-buries it. Gets all joyful and stuff. Then sells all he has to buy that field?”

2.2 Jesus said, “So far, so good. Tell me more."

2.4 The disciple continued, “Why doesn’t he just take the treasure? Problem solved! Why all that burying it again and then buying the field? Unnecessary complications. I don’t get the logic. Was the farmer dyslexic or something like that?”

2.3 Jesus said, “You are over-thinking it. I speak to you in parables and allegories so that you may understand deeper truths.” Under his breath he said, “My Father who art in heaven warned me that I would have days like this. But seriously....”

2.4 One of his disciples said, “Lord, among our people, it is well known that an allegory is a figurative mode of representation conveying a meaning other than the literal. The Chronicles of Narnia can be considered allegorical."

2.5 Jesus wept.

2.6 Another disciple said, “Yes, and we all know that a parable is a brief, succinct story that illustrates a moral or religious lesson. So, a parable is an allegory, but not all allegories are parables. Does that blow your mind?"

2.6 Another said, “And everyone knows that a fable is….” But just then, Jesus cut him off in kind of a huff. Adding insult to injury, he accidentally stepped in something that he really regretted having stepped in over the next few hours.

3.0 Jesus continued, “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, collecting fish of every kind. When it is full they haul it ashore and put what is good into buckets. What is bad they throw away. Or give it to a soup kitchen. Thus it will be at the end of the age. The angels will separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth. Taking the "naughty or nice" thing to a higher level.”

3.1 "Do you understand all these things?"

3.2 Silence. Then a disciple answered, "I'm really not not getting what you are saying. So either the Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast, a buried and re-buried treasure, or a fishing net. Seriously, I’m totally lost. Do you have another performance later?"

3.3 “As a dentist, I’m really concerned about this wailing and grinding of teeth.” I hope that part is allegorical or something. My people have enough problems."

3.4 “Lord, when is the last day we can drop this class?” said a disciple. “Can we just audit it? And do you grade on a curve?” Another said, “Is this a required course?”

3.4 Jesus sighed.

3.5 Deep furrows crossing his face, Jesus said, "Let's pick this up tomorrow. Hey, falafel guy! Over here! Sure could use a brewski."