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Showing posts from June, 2009

Just a Few Questions Left Unanswered Following the Death of Michael Jackson

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Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop? What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles? What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly. What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still. Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right? Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why? Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left? What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one. Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that wor

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts

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Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair? Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may. Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over? Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness. Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right. Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her? Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away. Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign. Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this? Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remissio

Correction Notices That Quite Possibly Caused Confusion or Grief

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Correction: In the weekend movie review section, Stephen Baldwin was described as a "washed-up, born-again, second-rate, reality-show actor." Mr. Baldwin is a washed-up, born-again, third rate , reality-show actor. We apologize for the error. Correction: In an article on the hidden dangers of horticulture, Mildred P. Mulligan was incorrectly described as a resident of West Side Village, a suburb of Brookside. She is currently a resident of the Indiana Women's Prison at Clarksville. She is serving seven to life. Correction: In a caption accompanying a photograph of the Brookside Garden and Civic Club, the obese lady on the left of the table of finger sandwiches was misidentified. She is Constance "Connie" Barnham. She only looks like the late Shelly Winters during her fat years and gets that a lot. Correction: In our recent series on child abuse, James A. Fallanger, who lives in the 400 block of Ivy Way in Brookside, and volunteers at the Senior Center on Mai

Tips for Becoming a Successful Recovering Celebrity Addict

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1. Become a celebrity (film, movies, music, porn). 2. Acquire wicked addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn). 3. Experience: (A) Compulsion, (B) Loss of control, (C) Continued use despite adverse consequences, and (D) Something about relapse. 4. Hit bottom (See B, C, and D above). Maybe bounce a bit. 5. Apologize. Renounce vice of choice. Create nonprofit and website. Replace publicist. 6. Do community service and blog about it. Or pay someone to make amends. 7. Do Letterman or Oprah. Or concert. Movie of the week. 8. Tell cute vignettes from recovery book. 9. Repeat as required.

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes Again

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1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?” 1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?” 1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea." 1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.” 1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered. 1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?” 2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over

Driving in India

A meditation on driving. And whatnot.