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Showing posts from 2009

Odd and Unusual Perks That Accompany the Nobel Peace Prize

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Cool Nobel Bling  Three-month free trial of Netflix Gnarly Nobel Peace Prize tribal tattoo 2007 Toyota Yaris Get star named after you Can go to the front of the line at Disneyworld All expense paid weekend package at Kandahar Hilton Lunch with the King of Norway (Norway has a King?) Honorary Degree from Strayer University Online Can keep frequent-flyer miles for trip to Norway Fareed Zakaria’s cell phone number Gets to jam with Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and Ice-Cube Lifetime all you can eat Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips New email account (Obama@NobelPeacePrize.com) Advanced viewing of Law & Order: Norway $1 off Pillsbury Toaster Strudel Coupon Photo on Wheaties cereal box Rides with Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Becomes King of the Krew of Comus at Mardi Gras Private audience with Lady Gaga Nobel Peace Prize Grillz Cameo appearance in upcoming Nicolas Cage movie Free Ambien An "I Won the Peace Prize" T-shirt

Afghanistan Surge: Curious, Unusual, and Confusing Programs, Issues, and Promises

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Iraqi shoe-thrower to throw the first shoe as the surge begins Countrywide "Camels for Clunkers Program" begins Surge largely paid for by sponsors Pepsi, KFC, and Toyota Tiger Woods to lead tank and mechanized infantry battalion The entire surge to be carbon neutral Uninvited Visits by Tareq and Michaele Salahi Sri Lankan Army force surges from 10 to 15 troops Netflix pop-up ads to be banned in Afghanistan Tourism Department: free hookah pipes for the first 100 post-war visitors Taliban to be warned about Santa's Naughty or Nice List New reality TV show: Is That My Goat? Tea Bag protesters invited to Afghanistan to find something real to protest Dick Cheney to say something horribly ridiculous every couple of weeks Turns out that some of those Taliban caves are pretty cool Bush to mount massive "My Bad" campaign War to be decided by arm wrestling contest with Secretaries of State from the US, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Governor of Louisiana

People And Groups For Whom Priority For Obtaining the H1N1 Vaccine Has Not Yet Been Determined

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Industrial steampunk Goth Girls > 40 years old Single adult men who still live in their mom's basement Primary caregivers of more than 10 gerbils Fareed Zakaria Conspiracy theorists People who sweat too much Drama queens Pseudoscientists People who pick their nose at work Men with unicorn tattoos Vampires Road kill removers Emo bands  Amateur creation scientists Yuppie scum People who call suicide prevention just for fun People who stuff their pets People who claim to be saved but lie, cheat, and backstab Portable toilet cleaners People with armpit tattoos Mall Santas Sarah Palin

Things Overheard While Waiting in Line for the H1N1 Flu Vaccine

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"I don't want the H1N1 vaccine. I just like hanging out in line." "Across the street, they got H1N1 vaccine mixed with ecstasy (MDMA). It's trippy." "This is a line for the flu vaccine? Darn. I thought it was a line for the new Michael Jackson film." "Kinda feels like we're at Disney World. But more needles and less rides." "Say man, you want some H1N1 vaccine that’ll knock your socks off?" "I got some bird flu vaccine from a few years ago. I think it's still good." "Is this the line for 10 items or less?" "I guess the iPhone doesn’t have an app for that." "Is this the line for people who have completed Form H1N1 for their visa application?" "Hey, is that Michelle Obama?" "That’s so H1N1." "I don't know nothing about no queue. This here is a line, bro."  

Groups and Individuals who should be Low Priority to Receive the H1N1 (Swine Flu) Vaccine

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People who talk during movies at the theater That guy on that show Married couples who look like each other Men with comb-overs People with more than one hyphen in their name First responders who are often tardy and late Caregivers of stuffed animals between the ages of 6 to 9 People who walk too slowly in crowded malls Chiropractors (since they don’t believe in vaccines) People who wheeze on a good day People who have too many cats Individuals who are currently deceased People who cut you off and then wave Pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control pills Parents who let their kids make a mess at restaurants People who claim obesity is a charming lifestyle choice People who live with and speak with mannequins That guy who somehow got pregnant Insurance company executives People who finish your sentences People who talk too loudly on their cell phones People who leave their trash cans on the curb too long Republicans and spitters

Glenn Beck’s Delightfully Paranoid Observations of the World around Him: A Whitman's Sampler of Real Quotes

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On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.” On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.” On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.” On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.” On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?” On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.” On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.” On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran C

Myths and Facts about Influenza (The Flu, Catarrh, Grippe) and the Flu Shot

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Myth: Cold weather causes the flu. Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners. Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu. Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed. Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu. Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances. Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless. Fact: The season flu can c

Ten Questions About Health Care Reform*

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Q. Will I be able to keep my physician? A. No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences. Q. Will my insurance be portable? A. Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included. Q. How will we pay for health care reform? A. Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much. Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea? A. Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't. Q. What

Obscure and Probably Inaccurate Facts About Obama's Health Care Death Panels

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Death Panel secret handshake based on a Freemason handshake. One Death Panel member must bring donuts on Friday mornings. Or bagels. Death Panel follows the Casual Friday thing. The Death Panel includes a veterinarian for obvious reasons. The Death Panel lunch buffet rocks. All Death Panel members like Crosby, Stills, and Nash. The song Dark Star is played before Death Panel staff meetings. When Death Panel members disagree, they hug it out. The Death Panel sometimes has secret meetings at Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family. Well, until you're not. The Death Panel is actually a pretty funny group-- lots of Death Panel hijinks and pranks. Canadian Health Care System jealous they didn't think of including a Death Panel first. Death Panel uses some of the rules from Family Feud. Family members of Death Panel victims get free T-shirts that say, "I went to a Death Panel and all I got was this stupid T-shirt." And a nice

Failed TV Shows: Shame or Bewilderment

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Millie T. Kraus, Undercover Horticulturist (Drama) Star Blaze, Psychic Porn Star (Drama) Abel B. Caine, Dyslexic File Clerk (Comedy) Inside Mia Farrow (Horror/Adventure) Survivor Baton Rouge (Reality Show) Medical Error (Direct to Airline Film) The Burka Match Game (Feature/Indie) Awwtopsy (Gritty Reality Sitcom) The Waiting Room (Suspense) Those Crazy Taliban (Situation Comedy) The Bipolar Mortician (Dramedy)

Taliban Rules and Regulations: 2009 Update

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Cell Phones. We've gone over this before. Please use disposable, untraceable cell phones. No Skype, Paktel, or Verizon. Cell Phones Part Two. Please use the family and friends plan. Use your rollover minutes. Also, place phones on vibrate in presence of Mullah Omar. You don't want to see him annoyed. Weapons. Mujahideen should not take weapons from others by force. Use motivational enhancement techniques (Miller and DiClemente, 1995) to strongly encourage subjects to voluntarily hand over his or her weapons. Drugs. Do not use drugs. But if you use drugs, do not use needles. But if you use needles, clean them with bleach. Clean your works. Discretion. What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul. Beards. A male who has not yet grown a beard may not stay in a common sleeping area with other men. A woman who has grown a beard should stay in a special area with other women who have somehow grown a beard. Smoking. Smoking tobacco is not permitted except in special smoking are

Unfortunate Names for a Planned Community Near Williamsburg, Virginia or Columbia, Maryland, or Both

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Al-Qaeda Acres The Slums of Biltmore Guantanamo Manor Caucasian Commons Colonic Colony Taliban Trace Rabid Run Harper's Whores Saudi KingsMill Madrassa Villages Suicide Crossings Bin-Laden Manor Hookers' Hollow Pigeon-Drop Meadows Unpleasant Creek White Folk's Luck Bitches Brook Syphilitic Villages Placenta Pastures Pandemic Flu West Crack Whore Commons Weak Stream King's Spews Savage Mill * Neverland

Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch

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Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade. Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade. A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid. Sarah Palin shows up. Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear. Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else.

Just a Few Questions Left Unanswered Following the Death of Michael Jackson

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Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop? What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles? What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly. What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still. Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right? Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why? Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left? What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one. Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that wor

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts

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Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair? Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may. Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over? Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness. Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right. Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her? Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away. Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign. Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this? Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remissio

Correction Notices That Quite Possibly Caused Confusion or Grief

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Correction: In the weekend movie review section, Stephen Baldwin was described as a "washed-up, born-again, second-rate, reality-show actor." Mr. Baldwin is a washed-up, born-again, third rate , reality-show actor. We apologize for the error. Correction: In an article on the hidden dangers of horticulture, Mildred P. Mulligan was incorrectly described as a resident of West Side Village, a suburb of Brookside. She is currently a resident of the Indiana Women's Prison at Clarksville. She is serving seven to life. Correction: In a caption accompanying a photograph of the Brookside Garden and Civic Club, the obese lady on the left of the table of finger sandwiches was misidentified. She is Constance "Connie" Barnham. She only looks like the late Shelly Winters during her fat years and gets that a lot. Correction: In our recent series on child abuse, James A. Fallanger, who lives in the 400 block of Ivy Way in Brookside, and volunteers at the Senior Center on Mai

Tips for Becoming a Successful Recovering Celebrity Addict

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1. Become a celebrity (film, movies, music, porn). 2. Acquire wicked addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn). 3. Experience: (A) Compulsion, (B) Loss of control, (C) Continued use despite adverse consequences, and (D) Something about relapse. 4. Hit bottom (See B, C, and D above). Maybe bounce a bit. 5. Apologize. Renounce vice of choice. Create nonprofit and website. Replace publicist. 6. Do community service and blog about it. Or pay someone to make amends. 7. Do Letterman or Oprah. Or concert. Movie of the week. 8. Tell cute vignettes from recovery book. 9. Repeat as required.

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes Again

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1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?” 1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?” 1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea." 1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.” 1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered. 1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?” 2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over

Driving in India

A meditation on driving. And whatnot.

Rejected Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) Work Group

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Fareed Zakaria Zoloft Deficiency Mixed Avoidant-Dependent Personality Disorder Co-Occurring Stigmata-Compulsive Hand-Washing Disorder Persistent and Irritating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Mild or Habañero) Mental Disorder due to Falun Gong (法輪功) Scientology Donald Rumsfeld’s Syndrome Disorder Ego-Dystonic and Totally Clueless Homosexuality Co-Occurring Apathy-Amnestic Disorder Chronic Religious Fundamentalism Disorder Maladaptive but Completely Understandable Relational Disorder Manifest Destiny Chronic Undifferentiated Maternal Whining Disorder 1. Jewish Mother Type 2. Catholic Mother Type 3. Muslim Mother Type

Antidepressants That Sound Like They Might Be Fun

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Celexa—A fun, outer-space suicide cult on vacation। Maybe in France. Or a sassy stripper. Zoloft—A magical and wonderful world of robots somewhere in the near future. Zelapar—Another, better, more wonderful and magical world of robots in the future. Desyrel—A world of heavily tattooed, drunk, hippie wench chicks at the local Renaissance Faire. Zelapar, Nardil, and Marplan—A kabob house and hookah lounge in Lebanon that gets crazy at night. Remeron—A cool place with a science fiction or friendly alien buzz. Lustral—A land of gorgeous, luxurious, shining hair. Or a city in Egypt. Or both. Lexapro—Masculine and professional like HomeDepot. Or a fax-photocopier. Paxil—Peace. A pill. Peace in a pill, man. Om Shanti Om. St. John's Wort—Spiritual whisky mash. Organic. Asendin—Manifest Destiny in pill form. I wanna be taken higher. Wellbutrin—Perfect well-being and overall wonderfulness. No aftertaste.

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One

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1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth." 1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one." 1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?" 1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?" 1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez." 1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up." 1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil:

British Airways Email Phrases that Sound Better with a British Accent

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"Please note that for longhaul flights from Terminal 5, our baggage acceptance times remain unchanged at three hours before flight departure." "Designed by Anya Hindmarch, our new washbag is filled with a range of products from D. R. Harris, a classic British chemist and perfumer." "Added for your comfort is a new 400-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow with silver luster detailing to help make drifting off to sleep more blissful than ever." "And later this year we will begin to introduce a completely redesigned cabin and service culminating in a quintessential First experience that will recapture the wonder and enjoyment of flying." "This Galleries-style lounge is a wonderful expanse of glass and light, designed to help you relax while you wait for your flight." "British Airways will not sell your data to any third party for direct marketing." "View our privacy policy."

Tips for Writing Out of the Office Email Messages

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Five Easy Steps: 1. Summarize your place on the space-time continuum 2. Provide imaginary reason and dates 3. Mention whether you will pretend to check email 4. Suggest useless emergency contact 5. Provide irrational disclaimer and warning Handy Example: I am currently out of the office, as are most of my co-workers, since executive management is on this ridiculous retreat to enhance bonding and diminish lawsuits among each other. I find myself at a series of job interviews in an attempt to leave this wretched organization. Or perhaps I am at the Quarry House Tavern. Or playing golf. Or sleeping. If my job interviews go poorly, I shall return three days hence. When in the office, I rarely return emails on a timely basis. Thus, it is preposterous that I would read, much less reply, to your email while out of the office. If this is an emergency, you really need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are contacting the wrong person in the first place. You may want to think this throu

Genesis 1:1-4 Alternate Versions

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Genesis 1:1-4 (King James Version) In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Genesis 1:1-4 (Valley Girl Version) So like God totally created the heaven AND the earth! Bonus! Awesome! BUT like the earth wasn’t accessorized (barf) and the waters weren’t pretty (gag me). And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters and junk. Like whatever. And so He was like “Let there be light” and stuff. And like OMG, there was light! You know? Awesome! Genesis 1:1-4 (Cockney Rhyming Slang Version) In the bloody beginnin’ God created the chuffin’ ‘eaven and the earf. and the earf was wifaht form, and void; and darkness was upon the Chevy Chase of the deep. and the spirit of God moved upon the Chevy Chase of the waters. And God said, let there be light: and there was Isle Of Wight. G