Thursday, December 10, 2009

Odd and Unusual Perks That Accompany the Nobel Peace Prize




Cool Nobel Bling 
Three-month free trial of Netflix
Gnarly Nobel Peace Prize tribal tattoo
2007 Toyota Yaris
Get star named after you
Can go to the front of the line at Disneyworld
All expense paid weekend package at Kandahar Hilton
Lunch with the King of Norway (Norway has a King?)
Honorary Degree from Strayer University Online
Can keep frequent-flyer miles for trip to Norway
Fareed Zakaria’s cell phone number
Gets to jam with Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and Ice-Cube
Lifetime all you can eat Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips
New email account (Obama@NobelPeacePrize.com)
Advanced viewing of Law & Order: Norway
$1 off Pillsbury Toaster Strudel Coupon
Photo on Wheaties cereal box
Rides with Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade
Becomes King of the Krew of Comus at Mardi Gras
Private audience with Lady Gaga
Nobel Peace Prize Grillz
Cameo appearance in upcoming Nicolas Cage movie
Free Ambien
An "I Won the Peace Prize" T-shirt





Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Afghanistan Surge: Curious, Unusual, and Confusing Programs, Issues, and Promises



Iraqi shoe-thrower to throw the first shoe as the surge begins

Countrywide "Camels for Clunkers Program" begins

Surge largely paid for by sponsors Pepsi, KFC, and Toyota

Tiger Woods to lead tank and mechanized infantry battalion

The entire surge to be carbon neutral

Uninvited Visits by Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Sri Lankan Army force surges from 10 to 15 troops

Netflix pop-up ads to be banned in Afghanistan

Tourism Department: free hookah pipes for the first 100 post-war visitors

Taliban to be warned about Santa's Naughty or Nice List

New reality TV show: Is That My Goat?

Tea Bag protesters invited to Afghanistan to find something real to protest

Dick Cheney to say something horribly ridiculous every couple of weeks

Turns out that some of those Taliban caves are pretty cool

Bush to mount massive "My Bad" campaign

War to be decided by arm wrestling contest with Secretaries of State from the US, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Governor of Louisiana

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

People And Groups For Whom Priority For Obtaining the H1N1 Vaccine Has Not Yet Been Determined





Industrial steampunk Goth Girls > 40 years old
Single adult men who still live in their mom's basement
Primary caregivers of more than 10 gerbils
Fareed Zakaria
Conspiracy theorists
People who sweat too much
Drama queens
Pseudoscientists
People who pick their nose at work
Men with unicorn tattoos
Vampires
Road kill removers
Emo bands 
Amateur creation scientists
Yuppie scum
People who call suicide prevention just for fun
People who stuff their pets
People who claim to be saved but lie, cheat, and backstab
Portable toilet cleaners
People with armpit tattoos
Mall Santas
Sarah Palin

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Things Overheard While Waiting in Line for the H1N1 Flu Vaccine






"I don't want the H1N1 vaccine. I just like hanging out in line."


"Across the street, they got H1N1 vaccine mixed with ecstasy (MDMA). It's trippy."


"This is a line for the flu vaccine? Darn. I thought it was a line for the new Michael Jackson film."


"Kinda feels like we're at Disney World. But more needles and less rides."


"Say man, you want some H1N1 vaccine that’ll knock your socks off?"


"I got some bird flu vaccine from a few years ago. I think it's still good."


"Is this the line for 10 items or less?"


"I guess the iPhone doesn’t have an app for that."


"Is this the line for people who have completed Form H1N1 for their visa application?"


"Hey, is that Michelle Obama?"


"That’s so H1N1."


"I don't know nothing about no queue. This here is a line, bro."
 

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Groups and Individuals who should be Low Priority to Receive the H1N1 (Swine Flu) Vaccine


People who talk during movies at the theater
That guy on that show
Married couples who look like each other
Men with comb-overs
People with more than one hyphen in their name
First responders who are often tardy and late
Caregivers of stuffed animals between the ages of 6 to 9
People who walk too slowly in crowded malls
Chiropractors (since they don’t believe in vaccines)
People who wheeze on a good day
People who have too many cats
Individuals who are currently deceased
People who cut you off and then wave
Pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control pills
Parents who let their kids make a mess at restaurants
People who claim obesity is a charming lifestyle choice
People who live with and speak with mannequins
That guy who somehow got pregnant
Insurance company executives
People who finish your sentences
People who talk too loudly on their cell phones
People who leave their trash cans on the curb too long
Republicans and spitters

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Glenn Beck’s Delightfully Paranoid Observations of the World around Him: A Whitman's Sampler of Real Quotes














On 9/11 victims: “When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining.”

On not saying: “I'm not saying Rep Keith Ellison is a terrorist." "I'm not saying Obama is involved with black militants." "I'm not saying Obama wants to implement Nazi eugenics.”


On totalitarianism: “McCain wouldn't have turned us into Cuba or Venezuela, and there's a change that [Obama] will.”


On Marxism: “The thing that I do find about Barack Obama is that -- and I think America is starting to catch on to this -- this guy really is a Marxist.”


On being set on fire: “President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?”


On failure: “I hope Barack Obama fails. … I want America to wake up.”


On prayer: “Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”


On Mom of Slain Iraq War Veteran Cindy Sheehan: “Cindy Sheehan is a tragedy slut.”


On Al Gore: “Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however.”


On Michael Moore: “I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it.”


On imaginary FEMA concentration camps: “We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination. I have to tell you, I'm doing a story tonight that I wanted to debunk these FEMA camps…. I can't debunk them.”


On the end days: “There are people -- they said this about Bill Clinton -- that actually believe he might be the anti-Christ. Odds that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ.”


On spreading paranoia: “The Manchurian Candidate couldn't destroy us faster than Barack Obama. If you were planning a sleeper to come in and become president of the United States, this is how he would do it.”


On the State Children's Health Insurance Program: “Hey, does anybody notice this crazy thing that we’re on the road to socialism? I’m just saying. Wow. We got — we got the SCHIPs thing going for us. That’s great.”


On imaginary information: “But they -- on Friday Drudge released a report that Rockefeller, Jay Rockefeller is now introducing a presidential ability to take control of the Internet and shut it down.”


On imaginary fascism: “I am not saying that Barack Obama is a fascist. I'm not saying the Democrats are a fascist. I'm saying the government under Bush and under Obama and under -- under all of the presidents that we've seen, or at least most of the presidents that we've seen for quite some time, are slowly but surely moving us away from our republic and into a system of fascism.”


On imaginary reparations: “Everything that is getting pushed through Congress, including this health care bill, are transforming America. And they are all driven by President Obama's thinking on one idea: reparations." Beck later added that Obama's "goal is creating a new America, a new model, a model that will settle old racial scores through new social justice.”

Monday, September 14, 2009

Myths and Facts about Influenza (The Flu, Catarrh, Grippe) and the Flu Shot









Myth: Cold weather causes the flu.
Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners.


Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu.
Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed.


Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu.
Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances.


Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless.
Fact: The season flu can cause significant disability of the body and mind, including Female Hysteria, Melancholia, Nostalgia, and of course, Wandering Uterus.


Myth: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes the flu.
Fact: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes your head to be cold. And wet.


Myth: Starve a fever, feed a cold.
Fact: To rid fevers and catarrh, boil a large pot with figs and cooked onions, peeled and mixed with yeast, butter, and a cordial of wormwood, lungwort, bloodroot, and toothwort. In this water, bathe oneself for four hours. Keep the head and chest covered with the skin of a goat, to fend off a sudden chill. When finished, drink a half-pint of the mixture. It will also expel intestinal parasites.
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Ten Questions About Health Care Reform*




Q. Will I be able to keep my physician?
A. No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.


Q. Will my insurance be portable?
A. Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.


Q. How will we pay for health care reform?
A. Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.


Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea?
A. Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.


Q. What would a public option look like?
A. More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.


Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan?
A. Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.


Q. Will health care be rationed?
A. You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries.


Q. How will the Death Panel work?
A. The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination.


Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling?
A. Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.


Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor?
A. President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.

Q. What about medical marijuana?
A. Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?


* Okay, 11

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Obscure and Probably Inaccurate Facts About Obama's Health Care Death Panels












Death Panel secret handshake based on a Freemason handshake.

One Death Panel member must bring donuts on Friday mornings. Or bagels.

Death Panel follows the Casual Friday thing.

The Death Panel includes a veterinarian for obvious reasons.

The Death Panel lunch buffet rocks.

All Death Panel members like Crosby, Stills, and Nash. The song Dark Star is played before Death Panel staff meetings.

When Death Panel members disagree, they hug it out.

The Death Panel sometimes has secret meetings at Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family. Well, until you're not.

The Death Panel is actually a pretty funny group-- lots of Death Panel hijinks and pranks.

Canadian Health Care System jealous they didn't think of including a Death Panel first.

Death Panel uses some of the rules from Family Feud.

Family members of Death Panel victims get free T-shirts that say, "I went to a Death Panel and all I got was this stupid T-shirt." And a nice condolences card.

Paula Abdul has been invited but has not yet been confirmed.


Saturday, August 22, 2009

Failed TV Shows: Shame or Bewilderment











Millie T. Kraus, Undercover Horticulturist (Drama)


Star Blaze, Psychic Porn Star (Drama)


Abel B. Caine, Dyslexic File Clerk (Comedy)


Inside Mia Farrow (Horror/Adventure)


Survivor Baton Rouge (Reality Show)

Medical Error (Direct to Airline Film)


The Burka Match Game (Feature/Indie)


Awwtopsy (Gritty Reality Sitcom)


The Waiting Room (Suspense)


Those Crazy Taliban (Situation Comedy)


The Bipolar Mortician (Dramedy)

Friday, July 31, 2009

Taliban Rules and Regulations: 2009 Update











Cell Phones.
We've gone over this before. Please use disposable, untraceable cell phones. No Skype, Paktel, or Verizon.


Cell Phones Part Two. Please use the family and friends plan. Use your rollover minutes. Also, place phones on vibrate in presence of Mullah Omar. You don't want to see him annoyed.

Weapons. Mujahideen should not take weapons from others by force. Use motivational enhancement techniques (Miller and DiClemente, 1995) to strongly encourage subjects to voluntarily hand over his or her weapons.

Drugs. Do not use drugs. But if you use drugs, do not use needles. But if you use needles, clean them with bleach. Clean your works.

Discretion. What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.

Beards. A male who has not yet grown a beard may not stay in a common sleeping area with other men. A woman who has grown a beard should stay in a special area with other women who have somehow grown a beard.

Smoking. Smoking tobacco is not permitted except in special smoking areas. For instance, caves. The Taliban follow the CDC recommendations regarding tobacco.

Disfigurement. Mujahideen should not disfigure people. Just look at that whole Michael Jackson thing. No more beheadings. Let's go with the new "Hearts and Minds" campaign.

Media. Mujahideen should strictly adhere to standard formats for press releases, with a proper headline, dateline, intro, body, boilerplate, and the closing. Show up on time for press conferences.

Appearance. For Mujahideen, so-called "Casual Friday" is forbidden.

Manners. Officials, soldiers, contractors, or employee of the slave government should be addressed simply as "Infidel." The use of animal names is consider in bad taste.

Gifts. Gifts over the amount of three goats must be declared in writing. Please send a written thank you note for notable gifts, including rugs, drugs, livestock, and women.

Promptness. Whether for a wedding, trashing a CD-ROM store, or a beheading, please arrive on time. No more being "fashionably late."

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Unfortunate Names for a Planned Community Near Williamsburg, Virginia or Columbia, Maryland, or Both






Al-Qaeda Acres

The Slums of Biltmore
Guantanamo Manor
Caucasian Commons
Colonic Colony
Taliban Trace
Rabid Run
Harper's Whores
Saudi KingsMill
Madrassa Villages
Suicide Crossings
Bin-Laden Manor
Hookers' Hollow
Pigeon-Drop Meadows
Unpleasant Creek
White Folk's Luck
Bitches Brook
Syphilitic Villages

Placenta Pastures
Pandemic Flu West
Crack Whore Commons
Weak Stream

King's Spews

Savage Mill *
Neverland

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch













Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.

Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.

A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.

Sarah Palin shows up.

Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.

Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."

Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.

Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."

Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.

Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.

Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.

And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."

Friday, June 26, 2009

Just a Few Questions Left Unanswered Following the Death of Michael Jackson










Did Governor Mark Sanford totally catch a break when the press left his home to cover the funeral of the King of Pop?


What did Emmanuel Lewis see in Michael Jackson? What about Bubbles?


What was Lisa-Marie Presley thinking? Or what was she taking? What was that about? I never got that exactly.


What was Elizabeth Taylor thinking? What was she taking? Oh yeah, I remember now. But still.


Why did parents let their kids spend the night at Neverland Ranch? You do get the concept, right?


Why did he dangle his son over a balcony four stories high? No, really, why?


Why so many rhinopasty operations Michael? Was there ever going to be "good enough?" Was there anything left?


What really made Michael Jackson happy? Oh sorry, never mind. Scratch that one.


Under what conditions would Sheikh Abdullah invite Michael Jackson to live at the Persian Gulf Island of Bahrain? Michael Jackson in an Arab Islamic Kingdom? How did that work out?


How would a 70-year-old Michael Jackson look, with particular attention to the long-term effects of multiple plastic surgeries?


Was the recent exclusive in Effeminate Androgynous High Tenor Albino Celebrity Magazine really exclusive?


What was Wolf Blitzer thinking as he turned to yet another celebrity weirdo about their experience with the King of Pop? No seriously, what do you imagine he was thinking?


How will all those die-hard fans living in such complete denial go on with their lives? Who will they stalk next? I'm just saying.


What will happen to the alpacas?


What will happen to his kids?


How will this affect me?


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

An Imaginary Conversation Between Reporter Bob Woodruff, Governor Mark Sanford, and Senator John Edwards, Based on Actual Transcripts


Bob Woodruff: Let me ask you the question, did you have an affair?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake.
Governor Sanford: I'll lay it out. It's going to hurt. And we'll let the chips fall where they may.

Bob Woodruff: Is this affair completely over?
Senator Edwards: In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness.
Governor Sanford: Okay. Yeah. Right, right, right.

Bob Woodruff: I know this is a very difficult question, but were you in love with her?
Senator Edwards: There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.
Governor Sanford: We called it Jurassic Park because it was the kids' dinosaur sheets and all kinds of different folks were living there in the campaign.

Bob Woodruff: How could you have done this?
Senator Edwards: First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened.
Governor Sanford: And he was incredibly gentlemanly, as you cannot imagine, in saying here were some things that I was struggling with.

Bob Woodruff: Why did you continue to deny it and not tell the truth?
Senator Edwards: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple.
Governor Sanford: And the biggest self of self is, indeed, self; that sin is, in fact, grounded in this notion of what is it that I want as opposed to somebody else?

Bob Woodruff: There are reports that you have tried to cover up.
Senator Edwards: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved.
Governor Sanford: All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it.

Bob Woodruff: Any final thoughts?
Senator Edwards: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.
Governor Sanford: I had my own ticket. We swapped e-mails, whatever.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Correction Notices That Quite Possibly Caused Confusion or Grief















Correction: In the weekend movie review section, Stephen Baldwin was described as a "washed-up, born-again, second-rate, reality-show actor." Mr. Baldwin is a washed-up, born-again, third rate, reality-show actor. We apologize for the error.

Correction: In an article on the hidden dangers of horticulture, Mildred P. Mulligan was incorrectly described as a resident of West Side Village, a suburb of Brookside. She is currently a resident of the Indiana Women's Prison at Clarksville. She is serving seven to life.

Correction: In a caption accompanying a photograph of the Brookside Garden and Civic Club, the obese lady on the left of the table of finger sandwiches was misidentified. She is Constance "Connie" Barnham. She only looks like the late Shelly Winters during her fat years and gets that a lot.

Correction: In our recent series on child abuse, James A. Fallanger, who lives in the 400 block of Ivy Way in Brookside, and volunteers at the Senior Center on Main Street, was incorrectly characterized as a sex offender. Mr. Fallenger is an architect. We apologize for this unfortunate editing error.

Correction: A recent restaurant review of the Westside Tavern mentioned that the empanadas were "an affront to humanity." In fact, the empanadas in question are "horrid, vile, and contemptable" and the management is "an affront to humanity." Our bad.

Correction: Our review of Danny's Eatery refers to it as being next to the AMC movie complex. In fact, the tavern is conveniently next to the Brookside Gentlemen's Pleasure and Social Club. There is shared parking.

Correction: A review of the new Brookside All-You-Can-Eat Emporium described the Emporium as a "bustling family-friendly restaurant." In fact, while it bustles, it is only family-tolerant, and then only to White families. Not tolerant with hippies, Gays, or foreigners. Certainly not Gay foreign hippies.

Correction: In an article about the West Coast Hip Hop Rap artist Snoop Dogg, Mr. Dogg was incorrectly described as being one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable proteges. In fact, Mr. Dogg was one of producer Dr. Dre's most notable source for weed.

Correction: A recent article regarding the use of administration-approved torture techniques characterized Former Vice President Cheney as "a liar and an enabler of torture." We meant to say that Mr. Cheney is "technically not human, has no soul, and is therefore exempt from the laws of the country and nature."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Tips for Becoming a Successful Recovering Celebrity Addict










1. Become a celebrity (film, movies, music, porn).


2. Acquire wicked addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn).

3. Experience: (A) Compulsion, (B) Loss of control, (C) Continued use despite adverse consequences, and (D) Something about relapse.

4. Hit bottom (See B, C, and D above). Maybe bounce a bit.

5. Apologize. Renounce vice of choice. Create nonprofit and website. Replace publicist.

6. Do community service and blog about it. Or pay someone to make amends.

7. Do Letterman or Oprah. Or concert. Movie of the week.

8. Tell cute vignettes from recovery book.

9. Repeat as required.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes Again











1. Jesus said to his disciples, “To what shall I compare the Kingdom of Heaven?”


1.1 Several hands shot up toward the hot sun. “I know, I know! A poem! A lake!” one disciple said. Another said, “Wait, it's on the tip of my tongue.” “A city on a hill? Something under a bushel basket?”


1.2 Another disciple said, “Should I write this down?” Jesus replied, "Yes. Good idea."


1.3 Jesus continued, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven or yeast, which a woman took and hid in three pecks of flour until it was all leavened.”


1.4 There was stunned silence, with the ironic exception of a few flies buzzing over a piece of tossed-off naan. “Say what?” one disciple finally uttered.


1.5 “The Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast? Is this like a trick question? And what is a peck?”


2. “Okay, let’s try this,” said Jesus. “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.”


2.1 Again, silence. “So, tell me if I got this right. A dude finds a treasure buried in the dirt. Fine. He re-buries it. Gets all joyful and stuff. Then sells all he has to buy that field?”


2.2 Jesus said, “So far, so good. Tell me more."


2.4 The disciple continued, “Why doesn’t he just take the treasure? Problem solved! Why all that burying it again and then buying the field? Unnecessary complications. I don’t get the logic. Was the farmer dyslexic or something like that?”


2.3 Jesus said, “You are over-thinking it. I speak to you in parables and allegories so that you may understand deeper truths.” Under his breath he said, “My Father who art in heaven warned me that I would have days like this. But seriously....”


2.4 One of his disciples said, “Lord, among our people, it is well known that an allegory is a figurative mode of representation conveying a meaning other than the literal. The Chronicles of Narnia can be considered allegorical."


2.5 Jesus wept.


2.6 Another disciple said, “Yes, and we all know that a parable is a brief, succinct story that illustrates a moral or religious lesson. So, a parable is an allegory, but not all allegories are parables. Does that blow your mind?"


2.6 Another said, “And everyone knows that a fable is….” But just then, Jesus cut him off in kind of a huff. Adding insult to injury, he accidentally stepped in something that he really regretted having stepped in over the next few hours.


3.0 Jesus continued, “Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, collecting fish of every kind. When it is full they haul it ashore and put what is good into buckets. What is bad they throw away. Or give it to a soup kitchen. Thus it will be at the end of the age. The angels will separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth. Taking the "naughty or nice" thing to a higher level.”


3.1 "Do you understand all these things?"


3.2 Silence. Then a disciple answered, "I'm really not not getting what you are saying. So either the Kingdom of Heaven is like yeast, a buried and re-buried treasure, or a fishing net. Seriously, I’m totally lost. Do you have another performance later?"


3.3 “As a dentist, I’m really concerned about this wailing and grinding of teeth.” I hope that part is allegorical or something. My people have enough problems."


3.4 “Lord, when is the last day we can drop this class?” said a disciple. “Can we just audit it? And do you grade on a curve?” Another said, “Is this a required course?”


3.4 Jesus sighed.


3.5 Deep furrows crossing his face, Jesus said, "Let's pick this up tomorrow. Hey, falafel guy! Over here! Sure could use a brewski."


Friday, May 29, 2009

Rejected Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) Work Group












Fareed Zakaria

Zoloft Deficiency
Mixed Avoidant-Dependent Personality Disorder
Co-Occurring Stigmata-Compulsive Hand-Washing Disorder
Persistent and Irritating Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Mild or Habañero)
Mental Disorder due to Falun Gong (法輪功)
Scientology
Donald Rumsfeld’s Syndrome
Disorder Ego-Dystonic and Totally Clueless Homosexuality
Co-Occurring Apathy-Amnestic Disorder
Chronic Religious Fundamentalism Disorder
Maladaptive but Completely Understandable Relational Disorder
Manifest Destiny
Chronic Undifferentiated Maternal Whining Disorder
1. Jewish Mother Type
2. Catholic Mother Type
3. Muslim Mother Type

Antidepressants That Sound Like They Might Be Fun











Celexa—A fun, outer-space suicide cult on vacation। Maybe in France. Or a sassy stripper.

Zoloft—A magical and wonderful world of robots somewhere in the near future.

Zelapar—Another, better, more wonderful and magical world of robots in the future.

Desyrel—A world of heavily tattooed, drunk, hippie wench chicks at the local Renaissance Faire.


Zelapar, Nardil, and Marplan—A kabob house and hookah lounge in Lebanon that gets crazy at night.

Remeron—A cool place with a science fiction or friendly alien buzz.


Lustral—A land of gorgeous, luxurious, shining hair. Or a city in Egypt. Or both.

Lexapro—Masculine and professional like HomeDepot. Or a fax-photocopier.

Paxil—Peace. A pill. Peace in a pill, man. Om Shanti Om.

St. John's Wort—Spiritual whisky mash. Organic.

Asendin—Manifest Destiny in pill form. I wanna be taken higher.

Wellbutrin—Perfect well-being and overall wonderfulness. No aftertaste.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One













1. And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth."

1.1 One of his disciples said, "No, I never heard that one."

1.2 Someone said, "That's messed up. So, who said that anyway?"

1.3 Jesus slowly turned around and said, "It doesn't matter who said it. It's just a saying, you know?"

1.4 Before he could continue, another disciple said "Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It's kind of annoying. Jeez."

1.5 A young disciple said, "Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up."

1.6 Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, "Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

1.7 The crowd grew restless and dark. "Dude," one disciple said, "You want us to do what?" Another disciple questioned, "What does smite mean anyway? It that like a gay thing? I'm really not comfortable with that."

1.8 From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice saying, "Can you guys keep it down? We can't hear a thing. It's like a multitude here. Hey, Jesus, can you talk a little louder? Thanks."

1.9 Another said, "Are there any handouts? I can't stay for the whole thing."

2. Jesus spat.

2.1 He continued, "And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also."

2.2 "Okay, wait, lemme get this straight. If somebody sues me and rips me off for my coat, I gotta go buy him a cloak?", said a young disciple.

2.3 "No, you're not listening," said Jesus. "If somebody takes something from you, it makes you mad, right? So rather than get mad, just give him the damn coat and have a glass of wine. I can help. I've been there. " Jesus paused and said, "No, wait, that's not it. I got kind of lost in there. Let me start over."

2.4 "Okay, so the main idea is just to treat people with kindness even if they hurt you. You know what I mean?"

2.5 The same disciple said, "Sorry, I just don't get it."

2.6 Yet another said, "Lord, can we go back to the part about an eye for an eye?--I think I was starting to understand that one."

2.7 A voice from the back of the crowd inquired, "Will this be on the test?"

3. Just a little bit too loudly, Jesus said, "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid." His face kind of twitched a little.

3.1 "Say, where do you get this stuff from? Does that just come out of your head or did you read it somewhere?" Said a disciple.

3.2 Another disciple rushed to the front and said, "Oh sorry I'm late. It's a wicked bad traffic jam out there. What did I miss? Can I copy anybody's notes?"

4. Jesus threw his cigarette down and said, "Okay, let's just take a break for now."

British Airways Email Phrases that Sound Better with a British Accent












"Please note that for longhaul flights from Terminal 5, our baggage acceptance times remain unchanged at three hours before flight departure."


"Designed by Anya Hindmarch, our new washbag is filled with a range of products from D. R. Harris, a classic British chemist and perfumer."

"Added for your comfort is a new 400-thread count Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow with silver luster detailing to help make drifting off to sleep more blissful than ever."

"And later this year we will begin to introduce a completely redesigned cabin and service culminating in a quintessential First experience that will recapture the wonder and enjoyment of flying."

"This Galleries-style lounge is a wonderful expanse of glass and light, designed to help you relax while you wait for your flight."

"British Airways will not sell your data to any third party for direct marketing."

"View our privacy policy."

Tips for Writing Out of the Office Email Messages














Five Easy Steps:

1. Summarize your place on the space-time continuum
2. Provide imaginary reason and dates
3. Mention whether you will pretend to check email
4. Suggest useless emergency contact
5. Provide irrational disclaimer and warning

Handy Example:
I am currently out of the office, as are most of my co-workers, since executive management is on this ridiculous retreat to enhance bonding and diminish lawsuits among each other.

I find myself at a series of job interviews in an attempt to leave this wretched organization. Or perhaps I am at the Quarry House Tavern. Or playing golf. Or sleeping.

If my job interviews go poorly, I shall return three days hence. When in the office, I rarely return emails on a timely basis. Thus, it is preposterous that I would read, much less reply, to your email while out of the office.

If this is an emergency, you really need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are contacting the wrong person in the first place. You may want to think this through again. I’m not The One.

Sincerely,


Arunachalam Raajkumar (Rohit) Gnanapragasam
Associate Senior Intern
Help Desk and IT Services
Friendly and Fast Government IT Services (FFGITS) Inc.

DISCLAIMER: This email is intended solely for the use of the poor soul(s) to whom it is addressed. If you received this email in error, it means the sender (Rohit) was probably intoxicated. It happens. If so, please notify Rohit immediately (good luck with that), delete the email, and set your computer on fire. We’re serious. This stuff is confidential.

WARNING: Failure to comply with the above will result in punishments that range from the merely humiliating to an excrutiating weekend with Dick Cheney. Lots of bad juju.NOTICE: The contents in this email do not necessarily represent the views of FFGITS, Rohit, or any person whether living or dead, or any corporation, real or imaginary. We have no idea who wrote this or what it means.

LIABILITY: The sender (Rohit) does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message. He’s just that way. He’s barely responsible for his personal hygiene, much less anything work-related.