Friday, August 31, 2012

Mitt Romney's Republican Convention Speech: Highlights, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes

Mitt's Moving Personal Story--Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia.

It's All Obama's Fault--Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop.

Big Ideas--Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out of Vietnam--I mean when your flight arrives, Liberate France, or at least their wines, and End Both the Cold War and the War on Drugs. Mandatory Family Home Evenings. Privatize everything. Privatize privatization. 

Get Super-Duper Tough on Terrorism--Will find, capture, and re-kill Osama bin Laden and stuff like that. But more toughly than Obama.

Clint Eastwood--Whoops, my bad. That did not turn out like We expected. My apologies to the chair. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

2012 Republican Convention Schedule

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey
4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent
4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love
4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it.
4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat"

5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him
5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again?
5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin
5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes
6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style
6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day
6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably
6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not
7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There

7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough
7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig
7:45 PM - Lecture by a Vial of Ronald Reagan's Blood 
8:00 PM - Zombie Preparedness by the CDC
8:15 PM - Lecture: Why Obama Hates America, Kids, and Senior Citizens

8:45 PM - Video of John McCain Being Really Cranky
9:15 PM - Mitt Accepts Nomination and Electrifies the Nation. Psych! 
10:00 PM - Lynyrd Skynyrd Plays Something Really Old

10:15 PM - A Very Late  Geraldo Rivera Arrives Wet From Hurricane Isaac
11:00 PM - John McCain Leads Entire Delegation to Tampa Strip Clubs 
11:15 PM - Romney Makes Bold Presidential Move to Go to Bed Early