Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shocking Wikileaks Revelations

Mercurial Libyan ruler Muammar Qaddafi feels splendid and posh wearing Channel haute couture while watching Eddie Izzard in concert.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad craves polyester, believes that Wikipedia caused 9/11, and desperately wants to meet Justin Bieber and "ask him to stop it."

U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told leaders of Israel and the PLO to “Just hug it out.”

It turns out that Kazakhstan is an actual country with a capital city, its own language, a government, a military, a currency, roads, hookers, and something called the Baikonur Cosmodrome.

U.N. Secretary Ban Ki-moon reveals that he actually prefers the new aggressive pat-down searches at the airport. He sometimes pats himself down. Harshly.

Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe is corrupt, repressive, and dictatorial. But he can’t miss an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sexcapades, womanizing, booze and drug parties, and bunga-bunga party games have been good for the escort girl business during these tough times.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton: Same size 48 pant suit, sometimes switch suits during sleepovers, and think that David Cameron is "dreamy."

Hasni Mubarak has been to every Yanni concert in the past four years. Misses Gino Vannelli.
Prince Andrew (who is he anyway?) has his own Captain Kirk chair and likes to “fire rockets” to impress his guests. 

Kim Jong Un likes to take the ladies to the Yongbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center and chat them up about fissile material and stuff while listening to Michael Jackson.

Osama bin Laden hates America but wow does he love www.bettycrocker.com and the recipe for potato au gratin. Add Portobello shrooms and broccoli. Also hates bedbugs, the kind they got in caves.

Prince Charles was really mad that he was not invited to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. He bought a gift and everything.

Long before Wikileaks, Camilla Parker had her own problem with leaks, if you know what I mean.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has all the same tattoos as Snoop Dogg. And then some.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jesus Tries Hard to Teach the Multitudes, Again

The Parable of the Sower

And again Jesus began to teach by the sea. A great multitude had gathered, so He hopped into a boat and sat in it on the sea, looking very wise and nautical.

Although many in the multitude were not the brightest lights in the house, He tried to teach them using parables, and said to them: “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow."

Someone in the multitude interrupted Him and said, "Hey mate, is that s-e-w or s-o-w? It's a bit loud back here." The crowd awkwardly stirred.

Jesus repeated Himself and more loudly said, "Behold, a sower went out to sow (s-o-w). Can you hear me now?"

And He continued the parable: "As he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it."

"Say, Brother, what kind of seed are we talking about? And are they special birds or just any old birds?"

Jesus said, "It doesn't matter. It's a parable, dude. Just try to keep up."

And He continued, "Some fell on stony ground, and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth. Since it had no root it withered away. And some seed fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up and produced: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.” And He said to them, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear! You know what I'm saying?”

"A loud voice came from the multitude: "I just don't get it. What you talking about, man?"

Frustrated, Jesus put His hands on His hips, glared at the crowd and said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable?"

The crowd answered in unison, "No, it's bloody hard to follow. We're a bit gobsmacked. Can you kindly walk us through it? That might help."

Jesus Tries The Cliff Notes Version

Jesus drew a long puff from his cigarette, threw it to the ground, and said, "Chill, dude, I'm going to lay the Cliff Notes version on you."

Jesus continued, "Let me break it down for you."

"The farmer sows the word. Get it? Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan (ask me later about a funny story about him) comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. You still with me?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Awright geeezzaa! Dude that is seriously heavy. Keep going. I'm curious where you are going with this."

"Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble comes, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life and other stuff choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

A voice from the multitude said, "Okay I think I got it. Why didn't you just say it that way in the first place?" Another said, "So it means that you want us to grow gardens? Do some weeding? Something like that?"

Jesus Tries out a new Bit: A Lamp on a Stand

Jesus said, "Oh Jeez. Okay, here's a bit I like to call 'A Lamp on a Stand.' It's short, so maybe you can get this one."

He said to them, “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand?"

A voice from the multitude said, "Is that a trick question?" Another said, "Is this going to be on the test?" Another said, "How big is the lamp?"

Jesus turned away from the multitudes, mumbling under his breath, "Boneheads."

Jesus skedaddled.