Tuesday, October 1, 2013

U.S. Federal Government Shutdowns: More FAQs Than Really Necessary

Your Federal Government increasingly operates under “continuing appropriations resolutions.” These temporarily fund government programs and activities that have already been authorized. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date—either a continuing resolution or a regular appropriation bill—Federal Government operations will shut down and Federal Government employees will be furloughed. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. No more Panda Cam.

The following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) provide answers to key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and of course, zombies.

How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy air show over Washington DC and a few other cities. Oh, you’ll know. It’ll be loud and scary. Like dinner time at the Assad’s in Damascus.

The Blue Angel’s routine will begin with a Fat Albert (C-130) high performance takeoff and Flat Pass, a FA-18 Diamond Take-off with a Half Squirrel Cage, an Opposing Knife-Edge Pass, several Diamond Rolls, and a Double Farvel. They will do several Sneak Passes, Vertical Breaks, Delta Rolls, and a Loop Break Cross. It will be huge and posted to the YouTube, which is located inside the Internet. You should get that if you don’t already.

But aren’t the Blue Angels Part of the Federal Government? You bet they are. But they get permission from their commanders to rock on. And so they do.

Say, What is a Furlough? Isn't that French? A furlough involves placing an employee in a temporary nonduty, nonpay status because of lack of work or funds. During a furlough, Federal Government employees are prohibited from conducting official work duties, if any. For some Federal Government employees and government contractors, the difference between nonduty and duty is negligible. 

Can I go to My Office During a Furlough? Nope. Remember: Nonduty-nonpay. You gotta go home. Chill. Out.

Can I Volunteer to do my Job on a Nonpay Basis During a Furlough? HAHAHA. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Can I Work at Home During a Furlough? You may tinker in the garden, putter around the garage, and work in the kitchen. You may work on your car or your vocabulary. But if you check your Federal Government email or turn on your Government-issued Blackberry, the Federal Government will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you will know that this is your Government when We lay Our vengeance upon thee. 

Can I Work as an Exotic Dancer During a Furlough? You bet. It’s heart healthy! Your Federal Government fully supports your interest to work as an exotic dancer while on furlough. Simply provide your supervisor the address and times of your upcoming performances and you are good to go.

I am in the middle of a battle outside of Kabul, Afghanistan. What should I do? Thank you for your service. Stay put for now. Download form SR-634-B, complete it online, and forward it to your commander. That will provide permission to continue fighting until the next continuing resolution. Keep your head down. Boo-yah.

What about the National Zoo Panda Cam? Sadly, the National Zoo Panda Cam will go dark during a shutdown. I know, right? However, ladies can amuse themselves via Jezebel.com and there is no shortage of online entertainment for the guys, if you know what I mean. Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly.

Do Furloughed Federal Employees Get Paid? You will receive retroactive pay following the furlough in Rupees or IOUs.

What Happens to my Employee Benefits During a Furlough? They will be put in a locked box. Al Gore has the key. 

What Happens if I Die During the Furlough? If you were in a government-approved and registered religion in good standing, lived a good life, helped others, and filled out form AL-6501, you are likely to go to Heaven and/or a pleasant and/or meaningful alternative destination. Please note that your Federal Government wishes you a pleasant afterlife. Enjoy.

I am a Prisoner in a Federal Penitentiary. Can I Leave Now? No. The rules for Federal Government employees and Federal Government prisoners are slightly different. Shelter in place. We’ll get to you when we can.

How Does This Affect Obamacare? Business as usual. The Death Panels will continue to operate, but from a secret location, such as Mississauga, Canada. Medical marijuana shoppes will remain open 24/7 with happy hour from 5-6. Flu shots will be provided free-of-charge to seniors at all Nando’s Peri-Peri locations. Senator Ted Cruz will continue his marathon speech against Obamacare at Hooter’s in Fiscal Cliff, Texas and rant something about his new universal lawn-care bill. Unfortunately, Medical conditions developed during a shutdown will be considered pre-existing conditions when your Federal Government turns back on again. Sorry about that.

What About Zombies? Technically deceased, Zombies pay only sporadic attention to the news, social media, and email. They are notably disorganized. Thus, they may not fully appreciate the fact that there has been a government shutdown. Their primary focus will likely be the acquisition and consumption of brains. That’s what they do. Keep some distance. Note that Zombies are nearly always considered nonessential personnel and will thus be barred from entering Federal Government property and “working.”

How will I know that the Shutdown is Over? Oh don’t worry about that. Your Federal Government will find you and let you know when the coast is clear and that you can resume the fine and productive work that you presumably provide now. No phone calls, please. We’ll call you.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

False, Untrue, Fictitious, Improbable, and Implausible Names of Saints and the Things About Which They are Apparently Patrons

Saint Ambien—patron saint of sleep-eating
Saint Fareed the Zakaria—patron saint of truthiness
Saint Yves Saint Laurent-patron saint of le parfum et les cosmétiques
Saint Zoloft of Celexa—patron saint of vapors and melancholia 
Saint Remulon—patron saint of robots
Saint Arabica—patron saint of coffee, coffee beans, and coffee houses
Saint Scopalamine of Benadrylpatron saint of impending seasickness
Saint Flöardfull—patron saint of people putting Ikea things together
Saint Sinus the Deviated—patron saint of allergic rhinitis 
Saint Deus ex Machina—patron saint of frustrated screenwriters
Saint Groupón—patron saint now 40% off
Saint Gingrich of Newt—patron saint of Bezerkistan
Saint Yaris of Slough-upon-Avon—patron saint of F1 Karting
Saint Alzheimer—patron saint of uh, wait, um, hold on, I know this
Saint Paxil the Dizzy—patron saint of Legoland rides
Saint Cruise of Travolta—patron saint of Dianetics and Diabetics
Saint Wiener of Brooklyn—patron saint of selfies 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham

Manage a Papal-themed food truck: Pontificiae Victus Carrus
Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints
Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna (Papal Crush!)
Celebrity Survivor Austria
Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime
Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome
Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen
An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV withDanica Patrick
Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars
V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “Molly

Spending time with the grandkids
Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family
Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee House in Milan
Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer
Work on my moves
Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about
Part time school bus driver and crossing guard
Going to Disneyland! (Paris) with the boyz

Assistant manager at local Nandos Peri Peri

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Odd, Unusual, False, and Imaginary Reasons why the Electricity Went Out During the Superbowl

Saving electricity for Mardi Gras
Excessive power needed to remove Beyonce's Spanx
So 49er quarterback Colin Kaepernick could get another tattoo
King Richard III kind of angry finding self buried in parking lot
PBS turned it off so people would watch Downton Abbey
Louisiana Voodoo, Curses, and Gris-Gris
Beyonce flashed the Illuminati Sign signaling New World Order
To give the 49ers something to think about
New Orleans just ran out of electricity 
Saints Coach Sean Payton Gets Payback After Suspension
So CBS could run a few more commercials
So Oreo could tweet the instant ad: You can still dunk in the dark
Some nonesense about substations and wires

Friday, January 18, 2013

Mim's Handy Guide to the Odd and Unusual 2013 US Presidential Inauguration Schedule Events and Balls

07:30 The First Response® Wiccan Prayer to the Moon, Sun, and Jumbotrons
08:00 Breakfast and Parade of  Washington DC Food and Cupcake Trucks
09:00 Wake up with Jimmy Eat World and Rage Against the Machine
09:45 The General Atomics Predator Drone Surveillance Photograph Swarm
09:50 National Salute to the Jumbotron Information Technology Specialists 
09:55 Moment of Silence by Insane Clown Posse, Mel Gibson, and Jody Foster
10:00 Silence Broken by all-girl Led Zeppelin Cover Band Lez Zeppelin
10:40 National Moment of Reflection About Hippies in the Reflection Pool
10:45 The Bud Light 2013 Presidential Inauguration Air Guitar Competition 
11:00 Yahoo Presents Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen
11:45 The Viagra UFC Octagon Cage Mixed Martial Arts Competition
11:50 The Vice President Biden Poetry Slam and Yo Momma Insult Competition
12:00 Ben’s Chili Bowl Chili Eating Competition and Half-Smoke Smoke-Off
12:30 Lunch (on your own) Food Trucks!
12:45 Doritos 2013 Inaugural Swearing in of the President and Vice President
12:50 The NRA 2013 Inaugural Swearing at the President and the Vice President
01:00 The Living Social Stage Presents that indie band in that Chevy Cruze ad
01:45 The USA Jobs Stage Presents Portlandia the Musical
02:00 Groupon Presents that band with the guy who lost all that weight
02:30 The Naval Observatory Open House, Scavenger Hunt, Open Mike & Bar
02:45 Jonas Brothers Tribute Band: We Dress Like This
03:00 Kinda Like Weezer, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, & Justin Bieber
03:30 Parade led by Doctor John and the Krewe of Mona Lisa and Moon Pie
03:45 Beyonce: Incoherent Speech and Invocation About Something
4:00 The Lumineers do Jay-Z and 2 Chainz and Ke$ha
5:00 Dramatic Reading of the Names of the Lost Children and Their Parents
5:30 Dramatic Arrest and Admonishment of Parents Who Lost their Children 
6:00 Fireworks and More Arrests

08:00 The ChristianMingle.com Christian Mingle 
09:00 The Ambien-Tiger Woods Night to Remember Ball
09:00 The Scientology Thetan Eight Dynamics of Existence Shindig!
09:00 The Kimberly-Clark Hooker’s Ball and Rave with Avicii 
09:00 The Quest Diagnostics Masquerade Ball and Cholesterol Check
09:00 Charlie Sheen Presents the Lance Armstrong #Winning Ball
10:00 The Ryan Gosling Hey Girl Dreamy Ball (invited but not confirmed) 
10:30 The Zoloft-Bacardi Romney-Ryan Dance-Ball