Apologies & Acknowledgments

The author apologizes to all of his past, present, and future employers, coworkers, clients, wives, children, and other family members, for all of the things that I have done, am doing now, will do in the future, and may be doing right now in a parallel universe. Sorry. That’s just so messed up. I apologize.

The author acknowledges that there is no situation on earth that could not be made worse by the presence of a uniformed police officer. And I mean that in a good way. The author acknowledges a greater than normal fear of germs. However, the author feels relatively justified during the cold and flu season. Lots of hand washing and gloves.

The author acknowledges that he is not really a “cat person” but more like “cat tolerant.” The author acknowledges that during his undergraduate college education years, he used his National Direct Student Loan to purchase two pounds of marijuana, chiefly to pay rent and attend rock concerts. But still.

The author acknowledges that he understands only 60 percent of the National Football League rules. The author acknowledges a vague interest in the Raellean cult, but not enough to act on it. The author acknowledges that he owns Altria stock and is obsessed with Charlie Sheen. Well, with his colorful collapse. How cool was that?

The author acknowledges that during his freshman year of college, he bribed his Algebra 101 teacher with limitless and free Mai Tais at the Golden China restaurant in Lafayette, Louisiana. The author acknowledges that he felt this was fairly creative, due to his math anxieties, which can be debilitating in direct relation to his proximity to math, math-related things, numbers, or letters that resemble numbers. He is quite uncomfortable with the letter h, for instance.