Friday, July 31, 2009

Taliban Rules and Regulations: 2009 Update

Cell Phones.
We've gone over this before. Please use disposable, untraceable cell phones. No Skype, Paktel, or Verizon.

Cell Phones Part Two. Please use the family and friends plan. Use your rollover minutes. Also, place phones on vibrate in presence of Mullah Omar. You don't want to see him annoyed.

Weapons. Mujahideen should not take weapons from others by force. Use motivational enhancement techniques (Miller and DiClemente, 1995) to strongly encourage subjects to voluntarily hand over his or her weapons.

Drugs. Do not use drugs. But if you use drugs, do not use needles. But if you use needles, clean them with bleach. Clean your works.

Discretion. What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul.

Beards. A male who has not yet grown a beard may not stay in a common sleeping area with other men. A woman who has grown a beard should stay in a special area with other women who have somehow grown a beard.

Smoking. Smoking tobacco is not permitted except in special smoking areas. For instance, caves. The Taliban follow the CDC recommendations regarding tobacco.

Disfigurement. Mujahideen should not disfigure people. Just look at that whole Michael Jackson thing. No more beheadings. Let's go with the new "Hearts and Minds" campaign.

Media. Mujahideen should strictly adhere to standard formats for press releases, with a proper headline, dateline, intro, body, boilerplate, and the closing. Show up on time for press conferences.

Appearance. For Mujahideen, so-called "Casual Friday" is forbidden.

Manners. Officials, soldiers, contractors, or employee of the slave government should be addressed simply as "Infidel." The use of animal names is consider in bad taste.

Gifts. Gifts over the amount of three goats must be declared in writing. Please send a written thank you note for notable gifts, including rugs, drugs, livestock, and women.

Promptness. Whether for a wedding, trashing a CD-ROM store, or a beheading, please arrive on time. No more being "fashionably late."

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Unfortunate Names for a Planned Community Near Williamsburg, Virginia or Columbia, Maryland, or Both

Al-Qaeda Acres

The Slums of Biltmore
Guantanamo Manor
Caucasian Commons
Colonic Colony
Taliban Trace
Rabid Run
Harper's Whores
Saudi KingsMill
Madrassa Villages
Suicide Crossings
Bin-Laden Manor
Hookers' Hollow
Pigeon-Drop Meadows
Unpleasant Creek
White Folk's Luck
Bitches Brook
Syphilitic Villages

Placenta Pastures
Pandemic Flu West
Crack Whore Commons
Weak Stream

King's Spews

Savage Mill *

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch

Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.

Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.

A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.

Sarah Palin shows up.

Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.

Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."

Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.

Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."

Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.

Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.

Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.

And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."