Saturday, December 3, 2011

A Few Other Things Being Suspended at the Herman and Gloria Cain Household

Not going to sleep mad
The use of pet names
Herman's Hotmail account
That Groupon for the Inside CNN Studio Tour for Two
The Atlanta Federal Credit Union joint checking account
Peace and quiet
Conjugal visits
That trip to Aruba
Dinner conversation
Dinner 
That other cell phone
The Netflix three disks at a time subscription
WomenForCain.com
Christmas

Friday, December 2, 2011

A Few Things Flying Through the Room While Mr. and Mrs. Cain Discuss his 13-Year "Friendship" with and Payments to Ginger White

A half-empty bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996
One Sergio Rossi Platform Pump from Nordstrom
Their entire set of Cece Winans albums
All copies of his book My Journey to the White House
Several pots. Numerous pans.
Many Atlanta Braves tickets
The entire Oneida Satin Garnet 65-Piece Flatware Set Service for 12
An autographed photo of Sean Hannity
Looks that could kill
Several cell phones
That photo of their 43rd wedding anniversary taken earlier this year
A plaque from WomenForCain.com
A piece of the quartz countertop from Atlanta Kitchen, Inc.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Herman Cain’s Logic Model for Lies and Deceit Regarding Sexual Harassment, Affairs, and Such

Step 1: Issue Absolute Denial About Sexual Harassment
Example: I have never sexually harassed anyone.

Step 2: Issue Absolute Denial About Affairs
Example: The accusations are not true. 
Example: It was just a friendship relationship.

Step 3: Issue Impossible and Implausible Denial
Example: I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period.

Step 4: Become a Victim Yourself!
Example: I am falsely accused.

Step 5: Blame the Media for Your Sexual Harassment
Example: It’s a liberal media conspiracy [for releasing report].

Step 6: Blame the Ladies for Your Sexual Harassment
Example: She is a troubled woman.
Example: She was out of work and destitute, desperate.
Example: They are all lying.

Step 7: Blame Vague but Sinister Forces
Example: [I blame] factions that are trying to destroy me [i.e., Rick Perry].

Step 8: Blame Imaginary but Malevolent Entity
Example: The Democratic Machine is making false accusations.

Step 9: Issue False but Cute Falsehood
Example: Most of my supporters have stayed on the Cain train.

Step 10: Inject Unnecessary and Confusing Race/Racism Comment
Example: African-Americans have been brainwashed….

A Few Other Things That Herman Cain Might Be Reassessing Right About Now


Waking up this morning
Advice he received from Clarence Thomas
Mixing Ambien with Southern Comfort whiskey
That stuff he told his wife this morning
Texting at 4:26 a.m.
His understanding of the phrase "sexual harassment"
A tattoo with the phrase "Tiger"
That thing he did with that lady for 13 years
That whole running for President thing
His use of the phrase "false allegations"
Why all those ladies are so mad at him
Politics
What's next for Herman Cain

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Some Other Things That Herman Cain Suddenly Just Remembered


Clarence Thomas told me that this might happen.
Oh yeah. Now I remember doing that thing with that lady that time.
I remember drinking heavily and then allegations. No connection.
I remember the tattoo but not why I got it or who "Hazel" is. 
I don't remember what I did, but I remember that I didn't do it.
I remember the Titans.
I remembered to get the milk but not the dry cleaning.


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. --- Mark Twain





Tuesday, October 11, 2011

What Do Mormons Believe?


Most Mormons believe that Oprah Winfrey is awesome.
Many Mormons believe that Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles.
All Mormons believe that this video from OK Go is ridiculously amazing.
Mormons tend to believe that marriage is pretty darn important.
Mormons generally believe that the 2011 Porsche 911 Cabriolet is a sweet ride.
Most Mormons think that Drone Predator virus thing needs to be attended to.
Mormons largely believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
More Mormons trust/trusted Wilfred Brimley more than Glenn Beck.
Mormons do not believe that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Does not work.
Most Mormons not San Diego Chargers’ fans adored 49er quarterback Steve Young.
Several Mormons believe that Maroon 5 totally rocks.
Many Mormons believe that the Osmond Brothers were better than the Allman Brothers.
Most
Most Mormons believe that Oprah Winfrey is awesome.
Many Mormons believe that Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles.
Mormons tend to believe that marriage is pretty darn important.
Mormons generally believe that the 2011 Porsche 911 Cabriolet is a sweet ride.
Most Mormons think that Drone Predator virus thing needs to be attended to.
Mormons largely believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
More Mormons trust/trusted Wilfred Brimley more than Glenn Beck.
Mormons do not believe that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Does not work.
Most Mormons not San Diego Chargers’ fans adored 49er quarterback Steve Young.
Several Mormons believe that Maroon 5 totally rocks.
Many Mormons believe that the Osmond Brothers were better than the Allman Brothers.
Most Mormons believe that Oprah Winfrey is awesome.
Many Mormons believe that Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles.
Mormons tend to believe that marriage is pretty darn important.
Mormons generally believe that the 2011 Porsche 911 Cabriolet is a sweet ride.
Most Mormons think that Drone Predator virus thing needs to be attended to.
Mormons largely believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
More Mormons trust/trusted Wilfred Brimley more than Glenn Beck.
Mormons do not believe that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Does not work.
Most Mormons not San Diego Chargers’ fans adored 49er quarterback Steve Young.
Several Mormons believe that Maroon 5 totally rocks.
Many Mormons believe that the Osmond Brothers were better than the Allman Brothers.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Odd, Unusual, and Imaginary Groupon Deals

Half off for last year’s flu vaccine
$100 Borders gift certificate
$300 for a week-long George W. Bush Wilderness Adventure Camp
$150 to tell your wife that yes, that outfit does makes her look fat
$7 for somebody to taste that green stuff for you at that Indian place
$30 for a half-hour in a hot tub with Donald Rumsfeld
Half off for an official Donald Trump comb-over lesson
Half off for all-expense-paid one-week vacation in Tripoli, Libya
$20 to to tell your neighbor to take their garbage can from the curb
Half off history lessons by Michele Bachmann and Sara Palin
$35 to sit at table next to Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner arguing
$7 for seven cases of Gluten Free Cheddar Cheese Curls
$40 for avocado facial treatment at the new Dick Cheney Spa!
Half off (!) for transgender reassignment surgery
 
$45 to watch Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin mud wrestle Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert while Charlie Sheen becomes intensely intoxicated and looks for "my tilapia," Tim Pawlenty gently cries, David Petraeus referees, and Newt Gingrich solves the budget crisis. Ten percent goes to the Red Cross.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The US Debt Crisis: More FAQs Than You Need

Introduction
So. The United States faces the possibility of defaulting on its debts. That’s something that might happen in, oh let’s say, Haiti. And it’s kind of a big deal. Your Congress and the White House struggle in vain to negotiate a deal that would prevent a default. Democrats and Republicans have repeatedly failed to agree on spending cuts. Not gonna happen.

Meanwhile, Tea Party-sponsored lawmakers agree only that taxes are worse than immigrants, closing tax loopholes leads to heroin addiction, and Reagan would never do that, although he did exactly that um, about a dozen times.
Oh, and it seems that nearly every bonehead on Capitol Hill is making his or her own debt proposal which don’t stand a chance in hell of doing anything except making underpaid staffers pull all-nighters and have to work on weekends. Thank you for your service, kids.

Just the FAQs, Ma’am
During these difficult and challenging times, persistent questions about what will happen next continue to swirl around like the late Amy Winehouse’s beehive on a blustery day. To help you navigate your way through the swirl, we have provided more FAQs than you want or need regarding the debt ceiling, defaulting, and of course, Zombies.
Hey, What is Debt, Anyway?
Good question. Let’s start at the beginning and see what the Bible has to say about debt. To paraphrase:

God wants us to lend to others. However, it’s kinda tough if you don’t have anything to lend. (Deuteronomy 15:6, 28:12, Matthew 5:42)

We must pay back what we borrowed. Or said another way, if we borrowed it, we should pay it back. (Psalm 37:21, Ecclesiastes 5:4).

Hmm, that last one is kind of interesting.

What is a Debt Ceiling?
The debt ceiling is the legal limit that your US Federal Government can borrow money. Kind of a budgety thing. Math.
Can the Debt Ceiling be Changed?
You bet! Since the late 1950s, your US Federal Government increased its borrowing from the public in all years, except in FY1969 following imposition of a war surcharge and in the period FY1997-FY2001. You should try it!

No Way!
Way! Members of Congress don’t like to talk about it openly, but every time they vote for a spending hike or tax cut, they tacitly agree to raise the debt ceiling.
How Much $ is the Debt Ceiling?
The debt ceiling is $14.3 trillion, give or take. If the debt crisis continues, your US Government reaches a point in which it cannot borrow the money it needs to run stuff. And that would be a bad thing.

Is That a Lot of Money?
Yes.

What’s the Big Deal?
The nation’s debt is slouching toward the legal limit of $14.3 trillion. Treasury Secretary/boy-wonder Timmy Geithner says the ceiling could be breached any minute now. You can almost feel it.

Say, You Got a Chart About All That?
Sure. Check this out. It lists the gross US federal debt as a percentage of the GDP by Presidential term. You know, for a while, your US Government ran a profit. Actually made money. I’m just saying.
President
Term Years
Increase Debt/GDP
Nixon
69-73
-3.0%
Nixon/Ford
73-77
+2.0%
Carter
77-81
-3.3%
Reagan
81-85
+11.3%
Reagan
85-89
+9.3%
Bush 1
89-93
+13.0%
Clinton
93-97
-0.7%
Clinton
97-01
-9.0%
Bush 2
01-05
+7.1%
Bush 2
05-09
+20.7
Obama
09-
+9.0%

Hey, I thought Reagan…Wow. Really?
Yep. Funny thing—people believe what they want to believe, despite the facts.

So What Now?
Lawmakers must raise the ceiling by $2.2 trillion, simply to help the government make it through next year.

Is That Really a Lot?
That is more than the amount Newt Gingrich owes Tiffany and Co. for jewelry purchased for his current and third wife, the one they fear and call Callista.

 Why Does the US Have So Much Debt?
Funny story. Under President George W. Bush, the national debt soared to $4.36 trillion to pay for the wars conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, massive government expansion, and new tax cuts. Under Obama, $3.9 trillion was added for the stimulus to avoid economic meltdown and due to decreased tax revenue during a recession. Also, Michelle Obama bought a new White House tea set.

Wasn’t There a Commission About This?
Yes sir. That would be the bipartisan National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. Bye-Partisan.

Well, What Did They Propose?
They proposed a six-part plan to put our nation on a path to fiscal health, promote economic growth, and protect the most vulnerable among us. Like zombies.

Did Our Lawmakers Adopt the Plan?
Oh heavens no. They are indebted to lobbyists who would slap their hands if they tried to change anything. But Representative John Boehner proposes another commission to seriously study the situation again. Mo better, I suppose.

What Has the Government Been Doing?
Your US Government has managed to avoid default for the past few weeks by using what the Treasury describes as "extraordinary measures to create additional headroom under the debt limit." Kind of like what bordellos do when they have obese clients.

What Happens If We Default?
First, if the deadline is not met, the country would likely enter a super serious recession which would cause super bad chaos in the global economy. Bad things would happen. Gloom would prevail. Goth bands would be taken seriously.

Second, Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion would reduce the country’s credit ratings from the 900s down to the 300s. The country couldn’t get a credit card, buy a used car, or pay for hookers. Things would be grim. End times.

Third, it would cost more for the government to borrow money. Higher interest rates for mortgages, loans, and credit card balances. People will sell their gold fillings, relatives, and body organs. Many Americans would move to Canada.

Fourth, the country’s economic reputation would take a major hit in the markets, creditors would demand higher interest rates, and investors would drop their holdings in US dollars. The country would be renamed North Mexico.

Say What?
In the event of a default, the rating agency Standard & Poor's would cut America's credit rating by one notch, from the top level, AAA, to the next level, AA+. At that point, millions of investors, Government officials, and retirees would take a series of steps that eventually lead to joining AA themselves.

How Does All This Affect Me?
If your US Government defaults, it may not be able to pay Social Security and Medicare benefits, military salaries, interest on the national debt, tax refunds, or Groupons. 

How Will this Affect my 401(K)?
Hopefully, your retirement funds are diversified in relation to capitalization ranges, fundamental characteristics, and region. Nevertheless, your portfolio will be affected in ways that you can’t wrap your mind around just yet. You are doomed. Sell now. Buy gold. Avoid bonds.

What Happens to Govt. Employees?
For the most part, Federal Government employees will have a lot of time to gently reflect on the myriad mistakes in their lives that led them to become Federal Government Employees in the first place. The question “Why” will come up a lot, followed by “What just happened?” 

What About Zombies?
In the event of a default, a Zombie Apocalypse is likely. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has set up Zombie Preparedness Centers throughout the country. The CDC will provide critical information regarding Zombie-related prevention, treatment, and evaluation routes, primarily through Facebook and Twitter.

PDF version with nice photos: 







Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Few More Things that God Presumably Told Presidential Candidate Rick Perry the Other Day


  • Um, Rick. I did not issue a Divine Calling for you to run for the US President. If I make a Divine Calling, you'll know. Ask Anthony Weiner.
  • Michelle Bachman's migrane headaches? Yeah. Now that's Me.
  • Rick, stop invoking My name about natural disasters. They are: Natural disasters.
  • Rick, about your hair: Cut, Cap, and Balance, dude.
  • You wondered "Is Michelle Bachman's husband an anti-gay gay?" "Is Glenn Beck berzerk?" Duh.
  • Tim Pawlenty should worry less about Bachman's migranes and more his upcoming anyeurism.
  • Michelle Bachman: Hates Government Health Care and Gays but has Gay husband and Government Doctor.
  • Neither Sean Hannity nor Bill O'Reilly will join Me in heaven. Brit Hume is a "Maybe."
  • Pawlenty ripping Bachman's record of achievement is fun, right? Just say thanks.
  • I see another bus in Sarah Palin's future.
  • Even I don't understand why people who say Government is the problem want to get a job in the Government.What's that about?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Few Questions That I Would Like To Ask Osama Bin Laden's Wives



Hi ladies! Can I just call you all all Ms. bin Laden?
Or do you guys have a numbering system?
So you are 3 of bin Laden’s 5 wives. What’s up with that?
Nice burqa. Who are you wearing today?
Say, nice place! Whose your decorator?
I knew a Verna and Al Qaeda from Toronto. Any relation?
So tell me, what’s HE REALLY like?
Did he have cute pet names for you guys?
Sorry to ask but what in the world were you thinking?
So, which one of you is the cute wife?
Finish sentence: The best part about being Ms. bin Laden is....
When they make the movie, who do you want to play you?
Do you know John Edwards by any chance?
So seriously, what in the world were you thinking?
I always wondered, does Al Qaeda have an HR department?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Sorry, trick question.
So what's next for Ms. bin Laden? You go first.
Finish sentence: If I had to do it all over again, I would....
Did you guys check out Lady Gaga's new album yet? 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Abbottabad House for Sale!

Abbottabad House for Sale. Perfect for the fundamentalist extremist in the family, this spacious yet severely private complex sports a three-story home, a cozy guest cottage, and lots of room for the kids or goats to run around behind bomb-proof 15 foot high walls. Secluded and safe, this concrete block Arts and Crafts beauty can be a perfect hide-away or a cool summer home to help you escape the heat. Bring your hammer and saw because this lady is a fixer-upper! A handyman’s dream!
 
The Area. The bucolic city of Abbottabad is bounded at all four sides by the Sarban hills, from which you can see breathtaking views of the region and city. The Karakoram Highway, which runs through Abbottabad traces one of the paths of the ancient Silk Road, now called Highway N35. Abbottabad is home to the Pakistan Military Academy, so there’s that. There are complexes for cricket, hockey, squash, and militant training. The city provides easy access to the Tarbela Ghazi Air Base, used by the CIA for to conduct drone strikes in Waziristan. Whether tourist, resident, CIA, or terrorist, “Abbottabad Ain’t Bad!”


The Compound. Security and privacy, this compound has it all! Everything is safely tucked within massive high privacy walls to keep those kids, chicken, or goats either in or out as is your preference. Whimsically decorated with barbed wire, the compound evokes a posh penitentiary feel that suggests, “I really like my privacy.” Within this 1-acre complex stand two watchtowers to help you keep an eye on things. The former owners installed security cameras and a handy trash-burning area. A second wife’s delight.

 
The Main House. Three floors, 7 bedrooms, and a full bathroom with running water, there’s enough space for a large joint family. The home has great feng sui. As you enter the first floor, you will be greeted by a light-filled atrium and quite possibly an armed guard. Natural light flows down from above, in part because of recent bullet and blast holes. The Great Room is perfect for entertaining guests and the previous owner installed built-in cabinets for AK-47s that open with a remote control. The Great Room flows into a gourmet kitchen perfect for families with 15 to 20 children and multiple wives. Bedrooms are located on the second and third floors, as is a hookah room and a home office, used by the previous owner as a Command, Control, and Intelligence Center.

  • Sold as-is
  • Off Karakoram Highway
  • Gammi Adda Bus Stop
  • Near Military Training Academy
  • Near militant training camps
  • Bullet holes circulate air
  • Barbecue/trash pit
  • Sauna (when raining)
  • Goats and chickens convey
  • Lots of history!
Even Better PDF Version

Monday, April 25, 2011

Unlikely, Unusual, Strange, and Immaginary Locations for the Next Law & Order Franchise


Law & Order: Syria
Law & Order: Chernobyl
Law & Order: Tehran
Law & Order: Sudan
Law & Order: Mogadishu
Law & Order: Bangladesh
Law & Order: Pyongyang
Law & Order: Zambia
Law & Order: Baton Rouge
Law & Order: Kazakhstan
Law & Order: Slough
Law & Order: Reykjavík
Law & Order: Calcutta 
Law & Order: Fukushima Prefecture 
Law & Order: Bucklebury