False, Untrue, Fictitious, Improbable, and Implausible Names of Saints and the Things About Which They are Apparently Patrons

Saint Ambien—patron saint of sleep-eating
Saint Fareed the Zakaria—patron saint of truthiness
Saint Yves Saint Laurent-patron saint of le parfum et les cosmétiques
Saint Zoloft of Celexa—patron saint of vapors and melancholia 
Saint Remulon—patron saint of robots
Saint Arabica—patron saint of coffee, coffee beans, and coffee houses
Saint Scopalamine of Benadryl—patron saint of impending seasickness
Saint Flöardfull—patron saint of people putting Ikea things together
Saint Sinus the Deviated—patron saint of allergic rhinitis 
Saint Deus ex Machina—patron saint of frustrated screenwriters
Saint Groupón—patron saint now 40% off
Saint Gingrich of Newt—patron saint of Bezerkistan
Saint Yaris of Slough-upon-Avon—patron saint of F1 Karting
Saint Alzheimer—patron saint of uh, wait, um, hold on, I know this
Saint Paxil the Dizzy—patron saint of Legoland rides
Saint Cruise of Travolta—patron saint of Dianetics and Diabetics
Saint Wiener of Brooklyn—patron saint of selfies 

Mim's Handy Guide to the Odd and Unusual 2013 US Presidential Inauguration Schedule Events and Balls

07:30 The First Response® Wiccan Prayer to the Moon, Sun, and Jumbotrons
08:00 Breakfast and Parade of  Washington DC Food and Cupcake Trucks
09:00 Wake up with Jimmy Eat World and Rage Against the Machine
09:45 The General Atomics Predator Drone Surveillance Photograph Swarm
09:50 National Salute to the Jumbotron Information Technology Specialists 
09:55 Moment of Silence by Insane Clown Posse, Mel Gibson, and Jody Foster
10:00 Silence Broken by all-girl Led Zeppelin Cover Band Lez Zeppelin
10:40 National Moment of Reflection About Hippies in the Reflection Pool
10:45 The Bud Light 2013 Presidential Inauguration Air Guitar Competition 
11:00 Yahoo Presents Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen
11:45 The Viagra UFC Octagon Cage Mixed Martial Arts Competition
11:50 The Vice President Biden Poetry Slam and Yo Momma Insult Competition
12:00 Ben’s Chili Bowl Chili Eating Competition and Half-Smoke Smoke-Off
12:30 Lunch (on your own) Food Trucks!
12:45 Doritos 2013 Inaugural Swearing in of the President and Vice President
12:50 The NRA 2013 Inaugural Swearing at the President and the Vice President
01:00 The Living Social Stage Presents that indie band in that Chevy Cruze ad
01:45 The USA Jobs Stage Presents Portlandia the Musical
02:00 Groupon Presents that band with the guy who lost all that weight
02:30 The Naval Observatory Open House, Scavenger Hunt, Open Mike & Bar
02:45 Jonas Brothers Tribute Band: We Dress Like This
03:00 Kinda Like Weezer, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, & Justin Bieber
03:30 Parade led by Doctor John and the Krewe of Mona Lisa and Moon Pie
03:45 Beyonce: Incoherent Speech and Invocation About Something
4:00 The Lumineers do Jay-Z and 2 Chainz and Ke$ha
5:00 Dramatic Reading of the Names of the Lost Children and Their Parents
5:30 Dramatic Arrest and Admonishment of Parents Who Lost their Children 
6:00 Fireworks and More Arrests

INAUGURAL BALLS
08:00 The ChristianMingle.com Christian Mingle 
09:00 The Ambien-Tiger Woods Night to Remember Ball
09:00 The Scientology Thetan Eight Dynamics of Existence Shindig!
09:00 The Kimberly-Clark Hooker’s Ball and Rave with Avicii 
09:00 The Quest Diagnostics Masquerade Ball and Cholesterol Check
09:00 Charlie Sheen Presents the Lance Armstrong #Winning Ball
10:00 The Ryan Gosling Hey Girl Dreamy Ball (invited but not confirmed) 
10:30 The Zoloft-Bacardi Romney-Ryan Dance-Ball

A Few Other Things That Herman Cain Might Be Reassessing Right About Now

Waking up this morning
Advice he received from Clarence Thomas
Mixing Ambien with Southern Comfort whiskey
That stuff he told his wife this morning
Texting at 4:26 a.m.
His understanding of the phrase "sexual harassment"
A tattoo with the phrase "Tiger"
That thing he did with that lady for 13 years
That whole running for President thing
His use of the phrase "false allegations"
Why all those ladies are so mad at him
Politics
What's next for Herman Cain

Charlie Sheen & Muammar Gaddafi Quotes: Conceptual Framework

Charlie Sheen	Muammar Gadaffi	Conceptual Framework
I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood man.	There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.	Ridiculous and easily proven to be untrue
Im Not Bipolar. Im Bi-winning.	Democracy means permanent rule! There is no state with a democracy except Libya on the whole planet.	Actually false but maybe he believes it
If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! Can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from, uh...this terrestrial realm.	I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I’ll merely imprison anyone who logs in to it.	The exhilaration of improbable potentialities
We are high priest assassin warlocks.	Were it not for electricity, we would have to watch television in the dark.	Contemplative reflection and brainstorming
I have cleansed myself, I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself.	I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired. When I do, everything will burn.	Lying
I'm sorry man I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.	I am like the Queen of England.	The wish for magical powers
If you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and y our children will weep over your exploded body.	Protest however you want, but do not go onto the streets and squares!	Vicious recrimination and warnings
I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering.	They love me. All my people with me. They love me all.	Spitballing, wishing, and believing one’s own spin
Ambien. Hello. Ambien. Hello. The devil's aspirin.	They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe.	Cautionary product placement
I’m an F-18 bro.	Moammar Gadhafi is one of you.	Mystical and trippy yet dubious
You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, ‘Look, you've got to get into rehab. You have to shut it down. You're going to die.’	The invasion of Iraq was not justified because Saddam had already abandoned weapons of mass destruction.	That is actually true

Odd and Unusual Perks That Accompany the Nobel Peace Prize

Cool Nobel Bling 

Three-month free trial of Netflix

Gnarly Nobel Peace Prize tribal tattoo
2007 Toyota Yaris

Get star named after you

Can go to the front of the line at Disneyworld

All expense paid weekend package at Kandahar Hilton

Lunch with the King of Norway (Norway has a King?)

Honorary Degree from Strayer University Online

Can keep frequent-flyer miles for trip to Norway

Fareed Zakaria’s cell phone number

Gets to jam with Eazy-E, Dr. Dre, and Ice-Cube

Lifetime all you can eat Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips

New email account (Obama@NobelPeacePrize.com)

Advanced viewing of Law & Order: Norway

$1 off Pillsbury Toaster Strudel Coupon

Photo on Wheaties cereal box

Rides with Santa in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade

Becomes King of the Krew of Comus at Mardi Gras

Private audience with Lady Gaga

Nobel Peace Prize Grillz

Cameo appearance in upcoming Nicolas Cage movie

Free Ambien
An "I Won the Peace Prize" T-shirt