Your Handy Guide to the Republican Presidental Candidate Position on a few Key Issues

Family Values

Romney—With the same lady since 1969. But she’s in it for the money.

Paul—Dude, he has been with the same lady since 1957. But kinda racist in a grandfatherly sort of way.

Santorum—He’s probably married or something because he has seven kids. Way homophobic.

Gingrich—Let’s see now. He married his high school teacher (he was 19 and she was 26—discuss); while married, he had an affair with and then married Marianne Ginther; while married, he had an 6-year affair with and then married Callista Bisek (23 years difference-discuss). Whoops, we forgot about another affair between wives 1 and 2.

Torture

Romney—Not sure if waterboarding is torture. “Get back to you later.”

Paul—Against it.

Santorum—Believes the lie that torture has been “proven to be successful.” Also big fan of Opus Dei, a controversial right-wing organization that promotes self-flagellation and corporal mortification.

Gingrich—Kind of into it.

Same-Sex Marriage

Romney—Tells Fox News he supports constitutional amendment. Tells gays “I’m all in.”

Paul—“If gay people want the same headaches and as straight married people, good grief, let em have it!”

Santorum—Compares homosexuality with bestiality, child molestation, and incest, and not in a good way. Also believes same-sex marriage would usher in the Apocalypse.  

Gingrich—Would send his openly lesbian half-sister Candace to Guantanamo Bay.  

Birth Control

Romney—Glad that Gingrich uses contraception.  

Paul—Has prescribed contraceptives.  

Santorum—Believes contraception is the leading danger to the country.  

Gingrich—“Are you kidding me? If I didn’t use a rubber, you know how many kids I would have today?”

Immigration

Romney—Pro-fence. Now anti-amnesty but was previously for “path to citizenship.”  

Paul—Anti-fence. Would place Michelle Bachman at border.

Santorum—Would deputize and move all 311 On The Border franchises to the actual border.

Gingrich—Ridiculous call for “100 percent control” of the Mexican border. Good luck with that.

China

Romney—Says “China is a currency manipulator” but he likes Kung Pao Chicken.

Paul—Advocates “peaceful engagement” and Peking Duck.

Santorum—Wants to avoid trade war and likes Hot and Sour Soup.

Gingrich—Build "Double Fence," beef up US military in Australia “just in case” and only eats American.