Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mim's Election Day FAQs

Where do I vote?
Republicans vote at a secret Masonic Lodge downtown.
Democrats vote at the Cajun Lounge and Social Club. Gumbo!
Libertarians somberly vote at bookstores that sell Ayn Rand books.
Green Party members vote at Burning Man or out in the woods.
Scientologists don’t vote. They focus on the expression of the cosmic source.

Do I need identification?
Yes, we accept VISA, Mastercard, American Express, and PayPal.

My precinct does not have electricity. How can I vote?
Under emergency procedures, you may vote by email and FAX. 

Um, we don’t have electricity for computers or FAX machines.
Okay then, give us a call and take care of it for you. Trust us.

We don’t have phone service. What can I do?
Send us your votes using ESP, telepathy, clairvoyance, or retrocognition.

What if I change my mind?
If you change your mind before the end of the day, return to the place where you voted and explain to the officials that you changed your mind and would like a do-over, also called a re-vote. It happens all the time. You might end up on America’s Funniest Videos.

If you change your mind after the election has ended, you have many options. You may write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper, conduct a seance, complain to one of my well-meaning aunts, or speak with your minister or psychotherapist. Also, you have four years to make your decision next time.  

What is the Electoral College?
Technically not an accredited college. More like continuing ed.
Seriously hard to get a copy of your Electoral College transcript. 
The Sorority Sisters at the Electoral College are fine, phat, and thick!
Newt Gingrich was held back a year for well, you know.
The Electoral College Marching Band is kind of a rag-tag affair but fun.

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