Thursday, July 2, 2009

Things That Could Go Wrong At A Michael Jackson Memorial at Neverland Ranch

Elizabeth Taylor confuses Michael Jackson's ornate gold and glass casket for a piano bar and orders a scotch and tonic from a clearly-deceased Michael Jackson who is dressed in a heavily sequined faux military/marching band uniform by Kate Spade.

Due to poor communication, several buses accidentally bring people to Opryland rather than Neverland. One of them is Kate Spade.

A highly intoxicated South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford makes a crude sexual pass at 78-year-old mother of Michael, Katherine Jackson, which surprises and delights her but annoys Tito. Husband Joe Jackson confused so beats up somebody's kid.

Sarah Palin shows up.

Janet Jackson has another wardrobe malfunction that is even more unappealing and frightening than her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction. Angry crowds scream "Put that thing away, Janet!" Pedophiles cower in fear.

Wolf Blitzer accidentally stumbles into the Peter Pan/Amnesia Room at Neverland Ranch and walks out with a smile but little else. He mumbles something about wanting to live in a "make-believe world." And, "I never wanna get old."

Knock-down, drag-out, cat-fight between Diana Ross, Quincy Jones, and Chaka Kahn about the "true meaning" of his song, "Man in the Mirror." Diana bites Chaka but Quincy delivers decisive punch.

Dick Cheney voiced strong concerns that the insurgents may be awaiting “an opportunity to launch more attacks, such as the ghoul's on Mr. Jackson's Thriller music video."

Sadly, Michael's children Tater, Tott, and Blanket have what you might call a huge-assed "a-ha" moment. Without Michael around, shit starts to kinda sink in. Psychiatrists are helicoptered in.

Michael's father, Joe Jackson and the singer Joe Jackson meet and realize that they sometimes get each others' phone calls. Awkward.

Michael Jackson's nose, lips, chin, and forehead rejected by the rest of his embalmed body and his features once again return to their natural Negroid shapes and skin tones. Some claim a miracle. Joe Jackson embarrassed and walks out.

And the end of the event, the fireworks display seems to spell out, "Yes I did. So sue me."

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