Monday, September 14, 2009

Myths and Facts about Influenza (The Flu, Catarrh, Grippe) and the Flu Shot

Myth: Cold weather causes the flu.
Fact: The flu is the gods' punishment for a society that tolerates feminists, liberals, humanists, tree huggers, immigrants, the United Nations, civil libertarians, the ACLU, pagans and warlocks, Barack Obama, and other sinners.

Myth: The flu shot can give you the flu.
Fact: Disease and disability result from an excess or deficit of the four humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. The flu shot restores humoral balance. It cannot give you the flu. However, the shot itself can cause brief episodes of the Vapours and rarely, Distemper. Use as directed.

Myth: The side effects of the vaccine are worse than the flu.
Fact: The side effects of the flu shot can include brief episodes in which people feel sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic. Brief bloodletting by applying 10 to 15 fresh leeches can reverse temporary humoral imbalances.

Myth: The seasonal flu is annoying but harmless.
Fact: The season flu can cause significant disability of the body and mind, including Female Hysteria, Melancholia, Nostalgia, and of course, Wandering Uterus.

Myth: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes the flu.
Fact: Going out in the cold with wet hair causes your head to be cold. And wet.

Myth: Starve a fever, feed a cold.
Fact: To rid fevers and catarrh, boil a large pot with figs and cooked onions, peeled and mixed with yeast, butter, and a cordial of wormwood, lungwort, bloodroot, and toothwort. In this water, bathe oneself for four hours. Keep the head and chest covered with the skin of a goat, to fend off a sudden chill. When finished, drink a half-pint of the mixture. It will also expel intestinal parasites.
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1 comment:

Mary said...

Love the myths and facts about flu shots. Glad we got the science out there.