Ten Questions About Health Care Reform*
Q. Will I be able to keep my physician?
A. No. But you will be provided the option of autographed and framed photographs from George Clooney, Doogie Howser, Marcus Welby, Dr. Dre, or Doc Severinsen, depending on your personal preferences.
Q. Will my insurance be portable?
A. Yes, it will be portable, potable, solid state, Y2K compliant, water resistant, unscented, nonrefundable, biodegradable, and pesticide-free. Batteries not included.
Q. How will we pay for health care reform?
A. Mostly through car washes, bake sales, taxes on marijuana and Orange Crush, and selling gold from the teeth of the elderly. We might sell the State of Arizona, since it is not used that much.
Q. Is the so-called “public option” a good idea?
A. Yes. A government-run health-insurance program would be more affordable, portable, reliable, fair, and secure than its private-sector counterparts. Thus, there is no way that Republicans would ever support it. Yes we can? No they can't.
Q. What would a public option look like?
A. More or less like an upside Toyota Tundra would look like after it fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the Acadian Waste Disposal booth at the Jambalaya Festival in Gonzales, Louisiana during an active hurricane. Or Mardi Gras.
Q. Will people with pre-existing conditions be covered under the new plan?
A. Yes. Let's take Michael Jackson as an example. He had pre-existing mental health problems, emotional problems, dermatological problems, and a lost-nose problem. Under the new health care program, we would, um ... okay, let’s not take Michael Jackson as an example.
Q. Will health care be rationed?
A. You bet. The Health Care Ration Board will employ the “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe” protocol, considered a Best Practice in many countries.
Q. How will the Death Panel work?
A. The members will assemble in silence at dusk each workday. After putting on the hooded Death Panel Garments and greeting each other with the secret handshake, they will light a candle and read aloud the names of citizens who are within 30 days of turning 75 years of age and thus selected for termination.
Q. Will the new system include end of life counseling?
A. Yes. Medicare will provide an end of life counselor, typically an unlicensed and out of work social worker, to have a little chit-chat with you about living wills, Death Panels, and such things. It’ll be fun. Free balloons and ice cream. Every Friday: Luau Night.
Q. Why does President Obama hate the elderly and the poor?
A. President Obama does not hate the elderly or the poor. You are thinking of Glenn Beck at Fox News. Or that other guy at Fox News. Or all of them.
Q. What about medical marijuana?
A. Good question. Thanks for asking. Wow, look at that! This potato chip kind of looks like Billy Tauzin. No, hold it the other way. Isn't that cool? His eyes follow you no matter where you walk. Wow. Bonus. What were you asking, man?
* Okay, 11
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