4:00 PM - Opening Prayers by Ted Haggard and Gary Busey
4:05 PM - Unintelligible Opening Rant by Ted Nugent
4:10 PM - Hologram Speech by Charlton Heston on Gun Love
4:15 PM - Cranky John McCain Accidentally Finds Podium. Lectures it.
4:30 PM - Kid Rock Speech on Rock, Roll, and Republicants
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney on "Driving From the Back Seat"
5:00 PM - Hermain Cain Speaks but Words Understood Only By Him
5:15 PM - Michelle Bachman Talk: My Husband is What? Say Again?
5:30 PM - Sarah Palin Arm Wrestles Michelle Malkin
5:45 PM - Emotional Video of the Mitt Romney's 11 Homes
6:00 PM - Dinner: Condoleezza Rice Cajun Style
6:15 PM - Herman Cain Explains What He Meant the Other Day
6:30 PM - 15 Minutes with Jeb Bush Weeping Uncontrollably
6:45 PM - How to be Against Big Government Except When You're not
7:00 PM - How to Hate the Government But Want to Work There
7:15 PM - Lecture: When Truth is Just Not Enough
7:30 PM - Restroom Break with Larry Craig
7:45 PM - Lecture by a Vial of Ronald Reagan's Blood
8:00 PM - Zombie Preparedness by the CDC
8:15 PM - Lecture: Why Obama Hates America, Kids, and Senior Citizens
8:45 PM - Video of John McCain Being Really Cranky
9:15 PM - Mitt Accepts Nomination and Electrifies the Nation. Psych!
10:00 PM - Lynyrd Skynyrd Plays Something Really Old
10:15 PM - A Very Late Geraldo Rivera Arrives Wet From Hurricane Isaac
11:00 PM - John McCain Leads Entire Delegation to Tampa Strip Clubs
11:15 PM - Romney Makes Bold Presidential Move to Go to Bed Early