Friday, August 31, 2012

Mitt Romney's Republican Convention Speech: Highlights, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes

Mitt's Moving Personal Story--Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia.

It's All Obama's Fault--Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop.

Big Ideas--Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out of Vietnam--I mean when your flight arrives, Liberate France, or at least their wines, and End Both the Cold War and the War on Drugs. Mandatory Family Home Evenings. Privatize everything. Privatize privatization. 

Get Super-Duper Tough on Terrorism--Will find, capture, and re-kill Osama bin Laden and stuff like that. But more toughly than Obama.

Clint Eastwood--Whoops, my bad. That did not turn out like We expected. My apologies to the chair. 

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