Mitt Romney's Republican Convention Speech: Highlights, Bloopers and Deleted Scenes

-
Mitt's Moving Personal Story--Hatched on the double planet Xenu-Ventolin in the Galactic Confederacy and raised by members of the Cromolyn and Theophylline tribes, the being we call Mitt fell from the sky to downtown Salt Lake City and became fully realized as an individualized expression of the cosmic life force. After a spell, he took a temp job as a beat poet and quickly became a way hugely successful management consultant and part-time elementary school softball coach. Married a human female and begat. The rest you know. If not, try Wikipedia.

It's All Obama's Fault--Hurricane Isaac, Trance Music, The Jersey Shore, Rising Gas Prices, Homeopathy, Smooth Jazz, Pope Benedict XIV, Global Warming, Taxing the Superrich, Snooki & JWoww, and Geraldo Rivera. It just has to stop.

Big Ideas--Create an Interstate Highway System, Land a Man on Mars, Whoops, Hurry up and Get that Guy on Mars to Come Home--it's hot it's cold, what kind of place is this?, Get out of Vietnam--I mean when your flight arrives, Liberate France, or at least their wines, and End Both the Cold War and the War on Drugs. Mandatory Family Home Evenings. Privatize everything. Privatize privatization. 

 Get Super-Duper Tough on Terrorism--Will find, capture, and re-kill Osama bin Laden and stuff like that. But more toughly than Obama.

 Clint Eastwood--Whoops, my bad. That did not turn out like We expected. My apologies to the chair. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang

-
Image
Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse?  Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff. Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips? Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world . Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly. Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled?  Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends. Question: Hi, I’m John and
Read more

The Federal Government Shutdown and You: Fun FAQs for Federal Government Employees

-
Image
Let’s Shut This Down. Hello. Your Federal Government® sometimes operates under a little something we like to call continuing appropriations resolutions . They temporarily fund Executive Branch programs like Planned Parenthood, NPR, NASA, and Puerto Rico. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date, your Federal Government operations will cease, shut down, and stop. You Federal Government employees will be furloughed. It’s not pretty. Let’s blame it on the Tea Party. To help you during this confusing time, we have developed the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and just a little bit about zombies. How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy airshow directly over Washington DC. Oh, you’ll know.   What Will Happen? The Blue Angel’s r
Read more

Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

-
Image
Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham Manage a Papal-themed food truck : Pontificiae Victus Carrus Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna ( Papal Crush! ) Celebrity Survivor Austria Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV with Danica Patrick Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “ Molly ” Spending time with the grandkids Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee Hous e in Milan Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer Work on my moves Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about Part time school bus driver and crossing guard Going to Disneyland! (Pari
Read more