-

The Trump Administration:
Highlights from Next Month or so In the Future


White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gradually realizes the metaphysical, existential, and epistemological impossibility of continuing to carry out this, the most impressive job of his life, with a straight face. No emoji can adequately describe his despair.

 Suddenly, the imaginary Death Panels that were purposefully used as scare tactics against the Affordable Care Act now seem like plausible options for White House interns who dreamed of being White House interns during their high school and college years but have now sunk into Level Six depressions.

 Alt Right Muslim Travel Ban situation gets confusing after the alt rock Muslim Travel Band does a Southern tour with Korn and Green Day. Tickets available at ticketmaster.com. 

 Due to clerical error by Betsy DeVos, trans fats now banned from public elementary, middle, and high school bathrooms, which is good. Meanwhile, trans kids pee in special Betsy DeVos Unisex Toilette de Trans, which is good enough for now. Every time a trans kid flushes the toilet, Betsy receives a text message with the song “Believe in Yourself” from The Wiz.

 Kim Jong Un anonymously sends his resume to the Trump transition team (Senior Analyst) but gets bummed out about the federal government hiring freeze and decides to test another Taepodong intercontinental ballistic missile, kill his half-brother, and tweets Dennis Rodman.

 Uber-racist and hottie fascist Steve Bannon takes a break from the White House Administration to join the cast of Hamilton at the Richard Rodgers Theater in New York City. Says Bannon, “This cast is fabulous! Just fabulous! Who knew? Lin-Manuel Miranda is my new politics!”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang

-
Image
Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse?  Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff. Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips? Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world . Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly. Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled?  Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends. Question: Hi, I’m John and
Read more

The Federal Government Shutdown and You: Fun FAQs for Federal Government Employees

-
Image
Let’s Shut This Down. Hello. Your Federal Government® sometimes operates under a little something we like to call continuing appropriations resolutions . They temporarily fund Executive Branch programs like Planned Parenthood, NPR, NASA, and Puerto Rico. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date, your Federal Government operations will cease, shut down, and stop. You Federal Government employees will be furloughed. It’s not pretty. Let’s blame it on the Tea Party. To help you during this confusing time, we have developed the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and just a little bit about zombies. How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy airshow directly over Washington DC. Oh, you’ll know.   What Will Happen? The Blue Angel’s r
Read more

Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

-
Image
Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham Manage a Papal-themed food truck : Pontificiae Victus Carrus Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna ( Papal Crush! ) Celebrity Survivor Austria Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV with Danica Patrick Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “ Molly ” Spending time with the grandkids Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee Hous e in Milan Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer Work on my moves Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about Part time school bus driver and crossing guard Going to Disneyland! (Pari
Read more