All You Ever Wanted to Know About Impeachment But Were Afraid to Ask*

The House of Representatives called for a formal impeachment inquiry of President Donald Trump. But people have questions, such as: What does it mean? What is it about? How does it affect me, an average person? Will this be on the final exam? Will there be snacks? Can I get off early?

What does the word “impeach” mean? The Word impeach comes from two Latin words: “imp” and “each”. The word “imp” is a shortened variant of the root word “imperiumisu” which refers to a style of outdoor roman toilet. The word “each” is derived from “eschatology” which is a key concept of creation science and the Mueller Report. Please note that “impeach” is different from ‘MPeach, a 1970s soul duo who kind of flamed out in 1973 after creative differences about a soul patch and bell bottom jeans. 

Why impeach the President? How much time you got? 

Seriously, why impeach the President? There are as many reasons as there are stars in the sky. Or grains of sand on earth. Or grains of sand in the sky. Lots.

Why impeach the President now? Right off the top of my head, we got Obstruction of Justice (OoJ), violating the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution, advocating violence, undermining freedom of the press, and illegally separating children and their families. And of course: Asking a foreign government to influence an upcoming election. Twice. There are more but we got tired while listing them.

How does this affect Insane Clown Posse? Just asking for a friend. Well, weed will be in very high demand during the impeachment process, especially if there are performances testimonies by principal witnesses who will be torn between the truth and their loyalty to the president, for what, I don’t know. 

It this a good use of the Taxpayer’s money? Yes. Very much so.

Why conduct an impeachment inquiry now? Why not?

Will there be an impeachment party? No. There will be many impeachment parties. Likely fireworks and rampant tattoos. Many tattoos of fireworks. A few firework displays of tattoos. Take due care and govern yourself accordingly.

What happens next? During and shortly after the impeachment process, anticipate a massive embolism, specifically a fat globule embolism from several decades of junk food and hate, lodging either in the brain, heart, or carotid artery causing a significant interruption of blood accompanied by more than normal diaphoresis, numbness and tingling, and incoherence. The average person will not readily detect any outward difference from baseline, namely sweating and incoherence. 

What happens after an impeachment?  A tremendous sigh of relief will be palpable across the land, especially across North America, South America, Central America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, and Antarctica. Things get dicey in Russia and North Korea. Sales of Xanax plummet worldwide.