Charlie Sheen's To-Do List

-

Get today’s Groupon for customized nutrition bars & call it #WINNING
Update my LinkedIn page to include new brain and Adonis DNA.
Renew my subscription to Manic Psycho Rant Monthly magazine.
Call Qaddafi’s radio show and rant RE Libyan TV series  2،5 الرجال
Return Modern Man In Search of a Soul by Carl Jung to the library.
Drop by the church and get ashes!
Drive to Target to get a few more bottles of Tiger Blood.
Ask NATO to establish a no fly zone over my house.
Sharpen my machete for a fight in the Octogon.
Think about a new charitable cause I can support while high.
Get seven gram rocks of cocaine, because that’s how I roll.
Threaten to sue somebody. Maybe sue myself? Gnarly.
Call Daddy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mim's Handy Guide to the Mayan Doomsday End-of-the-World Apocalypse Thang

-
Image
Question: What is the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse?  Answer: The Mayans predicted that on 12/21/2012 at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, several events would occur which constitute the Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse: a horrendous meteor strike, a horrific solar flare, and a mildly unpleasant polar shift, whereby the Earth's magnetic and rotational poles would reverse with devastating consequences, oh, and—the dreaded Fiscal Cliff. Question: I have a scheduled flight from Washington Dulles to Seattle, Washington, with a connection in Chicago. Any tips? Answer: Please note that there is a winter travel advisory in the Midwest with all connecting flights to Chicago canceled followed by the end of the world . Take due notice and govern yourself accordingly. Question: The Mayan Doomsday Apocalypse occurs on a Friday. Does this mean that Casual Friday is canceled?  Answer: We will continue to observe Casual Friday until the moment that the world ends. Question: Hi, I’m John and
Read more

The Federal Government Shutdown and You: Fun FAQs for Federal Government Employees

-
Image
Let’s Shut This Down. Hello. Your Federal Government® sometimes operates under a little something we like to call continuing appropriations resolutions . They temporarily fund Executive Branch programs like Planned Parenthood, NPR, NASA, and Puerto Rico. If another appropriations act is not signed into law on or before the end date, your Federal Government operations will cease, shut down, and stop. You Federal Government employees will be furloughed. It’s not pretty. Let’s blame it on the Tea Party. To help you during this confusing time, we have developed the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) about key issues related to Federal Government shutdowns, furloughs, and just a little bit about zombies. How will I know if the Federal Government is Shut Down? Oh you’ll know. At the Precise Moment of Work Stoppage (PMOWS), the United States Navy’s Blue Angels will conduct a wicked crazy airshow directly over Washington DC. Oh, you’ll know.   What Will Happen? The Blue Angel’s r
Read more

Implausible, Unrealistic, Untrue, and/or Imaginary Retirement Plans for Pope Benedict XVI

-
Image
Recurring Downton Abbey role as the ghost of the 6th Earl of Grantham Manage a Papal-themed food truck : Pontificiae Victus Carrus Become Acting Head coach for the New Orleans Saints Flying to US to fix that fiscal cliff thing and meet Rihanna ( Papal Crush! ) Celebrity Survivor Austria Using that Groupon for that Carnival Cruise trip of a lifetime Teach Zumba and water aerobics at the local YMCA in Rome Finally get around to upgrading that kitchen An antiquing road trip in an Souped-up RV with Danica Patrick Hooking up with on Cheryl Burke on Dancing With the Stars V Festival, Bonnaroo, Coachella, Lollapalooza, SXSW with “ Molly ” Spending time with the grandkids Puttering around the house and catching up on Modern Family Manage the Pope’s Cupcake & Coffee Hous e in Milan Touring with Led Zeppelin Reunion Tour as Replacement Drummer Work on my moves Finding out what 50 Shades of Grey is all about Part time school bus driver and crossing guard Going to Disneyland! (Pari
Read more